THANKS, EVERYBODY.
WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NOW, IT IS-- IT'S FRIDAY.
JON, TIME FLIES.
IT WAS JUST LIKE-- IT FEELS LIKE 15 MINUTES AGO IT WAS THURSDAY.
>> Jon: RIGHT, IT WAS JUST-- IT WAS JUST THURSDAY.
>> Stephen: AND THEN THE NEXT THING YOU KNOW IT'S GOING TO BE
FRIDAY AGAIN.
>> Jon: RIGHT, RIGHT.
>> Stephen: WELL, IT'S GOT-- I GOT BIG PLANS THIS WEEKEND?
>> Jon: OH, YEAH.
>> I'VE GOT A HONEY-DO LIST MY WIFE WANTS ME TO DO.
I'M A GOOD HUSBAND.
WHAT I WILL PROBABLY NOT BE DOING THIS WEEKEND IS BOMBING
SYRIA.
I'LL SALE YOU WHO MIGHT BE, THOUGH-- DONALD TRUMP, BECAUSE
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO FLY DUNE TO LIMA, PERU FOR SOMETHING CALLED
THE SUMMIT OF THE AMERICAS, WHICH WOULD HAVE BEEN TRUMP'S
FIRST VISIT TO LATIN AMERICA AS PRESIDENT, TECHNICALLY.
HE COUNTS THE TACO BELL DRIVE- THRU AS A GOODWILL TOUR.
( LAUGHTER ) "I'M SO PLEASED TO MEET YOU,
AMBASSADOR GORDITA."
BUT ON TUESDAY, TRUMP CANCELLED HIS TRIP TO MONITOR EVENTS IN
SYRIA.
SARAH HUCK-A-SANDERS EXPLAINED THAT TRUMP'S "NATIONAL SECURITY
TEAM THOUGHT IT WAS BEST HE STAY IN THE UNITED STATES."
ADDING, "MAR-A-LAGO HAPPENS TO BE WITHIN THE UNITED STATES."
BUT THANKS TO GLOBAL WARMING, IT'LL SOON BE IN INTERNATIONAL
WATERS.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW WHITE HOUSE OFFICIALS, WHITE
HOUSE OFFICIALS -- GLOBAL WARMING FANS.
GREAT.
IF YOU CAN'T FIGHT IT, GET USED TO IT.
WHITE HOUSE OFFICIALS SAID THAT IN TRUMP'S PLACE, THE SUMMIT
WOULD BE ATTENDED BY VICE PRESIDENT MIKE PENCE.
PERFECTO POR ESTA TRABAJO.
THEY LOVE HIM DOWN THERE.
DOWN IN LATIN AMERICA PENCE IS KNOWN AS "EL GUAPO BLANCO,"
THE WHITE TORTILLA, SENOR SALSA WITH EXTRA MAYONNAISE.
AND HE'S PROVEN HE'S FLUENT IN ESPANOL.
>> BUENAS TARDES A TODOS-- AND FELIZ CASI CINCO DE MAYO.
>> Stephen: WAIT, WHERE'S MIKE PENCE?
JIM, WHY DID YOU PLAY A CLIP OF GAEL GARCIA BERNAL UP?
NOW, LATIN AMERICAN LEADERS TOOK THE SNUB IN STRIDE, IN PART
BECAUSE MANY OF THEM "DREADED SHAKING HANDS WITH THE AMERICAN
LEADER."
I DON'T BLAME THEM.
TRUMP THINKS YOU SHAKE HANDS THE SAME WAY YOU START A LAWN MOWER.
( LAUGHTER ) PLUS-- PLUS-- HE'S TRYING TO
RESET THEIR SHOULDER.
"HOLD ON!" >> Jon: DISLOCATE.
>> Stephen: PLUS ACCORDING TO GALLUP, LAST YEAR TRUMP'S
APPROVAL RATING IN LATIN AMERICA WAS 16%.
AT THIS POINT, THEY'D RATHER BE PHOTOGRAPHED NEXT TO SOMEONE
MORE POPULAR, LIKE AMBASSADOR CHUPACABRA.
( LAUGHTER ) ACTUALLY, TRUMP MIGHT WANT TO BE
OUT OF THIS COUNTRY NEXT WEEK, BECAUSE THAT IS WHEN JAMES COMEY
RELEASES HIS NEW BOOK "A HIGHER LOYALTY: TRUTH, LIES, AND
LEADERSHIP"-- WHICH IS SLIGHTLY SUBTLER THAN ITS ORIGINAL TITLE:
"IT'S PAYBACK TIME, YOU PUMPKIN BITCH."
THEY DIDN'T DO IT.
I DON'T KNOW WHY THEY CHANGED IT.
>> Jon: ASK HIM TUESDAY.
WE'RE ALREADY GETTING SOME JUICY TIDBITS.
IN AN INTERVIEW WITH GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOS, COMEY COMPARED
TRUMP TO A MOB BOSS.
WELL, THAT'S NOT FAIR.
MOB BOSSES KNOW HOW TO RUN A CASINO.
ALLEGEDLY.
>> Jon: TAKE THE GLOVES OFF.
>> Stephen: ALLEGEDLY.
THE WHITE HOUSE IS PREPARED, BECAUSE CNN GOT A HOLD OF THE
G.O.P. PLAN TO DISCREDIT COMEY, WHICH INVOLVES ASSAILING HIS
CREDIBILITY, SHINING A NEW LIGHT ON HIS CONDUCT, AND POINTING OUT
HIS CONTRADICTIONS-- OR AS THEY'RE CALLING THEM, "THE THREE
Cs."
WHICH REMINDS ME OF THE OTHER THREE Cs: "COMEY'S COMING ON
COLBERT" TUESDAY.
RIGHT OVER THERE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I'M GOING TO GRILL HIM.
I'M GOING TO EAT HIM ALIVE!
AM I GOING TO DO THAT?
NOTICE?
APPARENTLY, THE G.O.P.'S PLAN CALLS FOR BRANDING THE NATION'S
FORMER TOP LAW ENFORCEMENT OFFICIAL AS "LYIN' COMEY."
WAIT.
YOU CAN'T CALL HIM "LYIN' COMEY."
TRUMP ALREADY USED THAT NAME FOR TED CRUZ.
HE'S "LYIN' TED."
I'M GOING TO START CALLING YOU "REPEATIN' DON."
( LAUGHTER ) BUT THEY'RE SO COMMITTED TO THE
STRATEGY THAT THEY'VE STARTED A WEBSITE: lyincomey.com.
REMEMBER, IT'S LYIN'-- THE "G" IS SILENT, UNLIKE ALL THE
DOORMEN AND PORN STARS.