- So you know, resting angry face, right?
And it can be applied to men or women.
Sometimes we call it resting face.
And they might be listening
or they might be looking at something
and they just look angry.
And then you go up there and talk
to 'em and you ask 'em what's going on?
And they're like, oh no I'm not.
I'm not feeling angry at all.
I remember delivering this seminar
and the woman in the front row was just searing at me like
she was scowling and just her eyebrows all furled.
And she's like this. And she sits there the whole time like
this angry
after the seminar I'm like, oh,
this woman did not like this content at all.
She waited in line to talk to me.
I was like, oh, she's gonna give me like an earful.
She gets all the way to the front of the line
and I'm like, hi, it's nice to meet you.
And she was like, oh my gosh, I love this content.
It was so great.
And she told me like four or five things
that she's gonna take and use.
And I went, can I ask you a question? And she goes, sure.
And I said, you were sitting in the front row, I noticed you
and I thought you hated the content
because you have this look on your face of just like angry.
And she was like, sometimes get
that way when I'm concentrating
'cause I really wanna absorb it.
I get this, this look on my face.
And I said, okay, interesting.
And here's what's fascinating.
We can often engage in a behavior
that we might not be feeling a certain way,
but other people are interpreting it that way.
That woman wasn't feeling angry
or wasn't disliking the material.
I was simply interpreting it that way.
And so today I wanna share with you some behaviors
that while you might not be desperate at all,
these particular behaviors are super common for men
to interpret that this is a desperate behavior.
The first behavior that can be interpreted
as desperate is if you're complaining
that there are no good men out there when you're on a date,
you see the person who doesn't have a lot of options,
the person who there are really no great men
that they're finding when they finally find a guy,
they'll latch on.
I remember going on this date with this woman,
that was the first thing she, we sit down at dinner,
first thing she says is, oh my gosh, you are normal.
Thank God. It came across as like,
oh this woman isn't being pursued by normal guys.
This woman doesn't have a lot of options.
And instead of making me feel special, which is often what
that comment is meant to do, like you're telling 'em
how bad everything else out there
because you want them to feel special.
It has the opposite effect of coming across as desperate
because you don't have a lot of options where the truth
of the matter is you do have options.
The truth of the matter is there are a lot
of great guys out there,
whether they're in your current vicinity,
whether you've actually met them right now or not.
Put on the beingness that there are great guys out there.
You are in a state of abundance
because that beingness is highly attractive, that beingness.
Then when you choose the guy that's in front of you,
he's gonna feel special because you're choosing him.
Not 'cause he's the last option available, but
because he's the best option
among all these other great options.
And that's what feels really great.
The second behavior that's misinterpreted
as desperate energy is over communicating.
And over communicating.
Looks like having a great time on a date
and then immediately launching into communicating
with him like he's your best friend
where you send him a text, you say, Hey,
had a really great time last night.
Hey, good morning, hope you're having a great day.
Hey, how was your coffee?
Hey, did you see the pigeon outside your window?
Like, like you're just boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.
Now I know I'm exaggerating,
but we tend to do this when we really like someone,
we have a connection like our mind is running on them
and we can start sending too many texts.
And so if you're in the blue, you're sending text, text,
text and they haven't responded yet,
that's over communicating.
The other thing that you want to avoid in over communicating
is describing your day in detail via text
where it's this long paragraph
where you're telling 'em a story about
what happened and this and that.
When you're early in the relationship,
that can feel like a lot like, oh wow, is this
how this is gonna go?
Way better to save stories about your day,
details about your day
for when you guys are talking on the phone.
What you wanna do is just match his level of communication
and start slightly underneath him.
Respond, Hey, thank you so much for last night.
It was super fun. He responds back,
you could throw out a question, see how long he responds.
And then you guys match that kind of interaction
and communication that feels way more of a woman
who has choice versus a woman who's finally found this one
guy and she's clinging on.
And the third behavior that's misconstrued
as desperate is bending over backwards to see him.
And this could often come about, not
because you've got desperate energy, you're just a giver.
You wanna make time to see him, you like him.
And so you also wanna make it easy.
You wanna take the burden off of other people.
And so you're like, well, I can do it.
He'll call you and say, Hey, I really want to go
to this particular restaurant, but it's up by me.
And he lives three hours away.
And so in that moment you're like,
yeah, I'll drive this time.
And so you drive three hours to go to dinner with him.
You make it really easy on him like he's hanging out just
for a weekend, he's back in town.
He calls you last minute
and says, Hey, I'm in town last minute.
Can we get together for drinks?
And you're like, oh, well I had plans with friends,
I'll cancel those plans with friends
and I'll go out with you.
What you're doing is you're demonstrating
that his time is more valuable than yours,
that his preferences are more valuable than yours.
Instead of him seeing this as, oh, she's just generous
and she's just a giver, it comes across as wow,
she doesn't value herself as much
and it actually lowers the attraction
because it comes across as a little bit desperate.
Way better is for you to invite him
to match your level of investment.
If he wants to take you to this amazing restaurant,
let him know that you would love to go to that restaurant.
That sounds amazing. And this early in the dating process,
you would feel really served if he would meet you halfway
since it's a three hour drive.
See if he's willing to do that.
He shows up last minute, says, Hey,
can you together for drinks?
Do not cancel plans
with your friends If you've got plans already.
Say, you know what, I would love to but my friends
and I, we made plans to hang out.
I would love, just give me a little bit more notice next
time and I would love to get together.
And in that case, you're showing him you value your plans,
you value yourself
and you're inviting him to invest at an equal level as you
and that is highly attractive.
The fourth behavior that we can do is excessive gift giving.
And this one kicks in.
If your love language is giving gifts
and his is not, it can be interpreted
as desperate or clingy.
It's like you go out with him
and you realize that he has this favorite author.
You go and you buy a book that's signed by that author
and you give it to him because you want to show
that you like him or you learn
that he likes a particular kind of food
and you're an epic cook.
So you invite him over to dinner,
cook 'em like this five course meal, super impressive
and it's a major gift.
These kinds of demonstrations, while they're cool
and while they feel good in the moment,
sometimes they can come across as desperate
because they feel like, wow,
this person wouldn't be giving this much if they weren't
already in love with me.
Because he interprets what he does when he's in love.
The amount of gifts that he gives
only kick in when he's got a certain level of emotion.
I remember this interaction I had with a woman
that I was dating very similar to this.
We had dated for about a month, hung out a few times,
I liked her and we were getting closer.
And then on my front porch arrives this like package some
of the favorite candy that I had talked about
and some other cool things in a car that she had made me.
And it was all decorated and I immediately went, huh,
ooh man, she probably likes me way more than I like her
and I should probably really slow things down.
This is getting lopsided.
And I called her up and we actually had an honest
conversation about it and she goes, I almost didn't send it
'cause I didn't wanna scare you off.
I like you but I'm not like in love with you yet.
I'm just a giver, I'm a gift giver.
So just something to be mindful of as you're dating,
the amount of gifts that you give and the size
and degree of those gifts can sometimes backfire if you're
not measured in how you give those gifts.
Number five is assuming the future.
And this is where you assume that the two
of you are gonna be together in the future
and you start planting the seeds for future plans together.
So let's say you two of you're talking about favorite
holidays and he talks about how one
of his favorite holidays is Christmas.
And so you're like, oh my gosh, I cannot wait for you
to meet my family because they go nuts at Christmas
and we have the best time and it's February.
And he's like, are we already like thinking we're gonna
be together in Christmas?
Those types of moments,
while you could just be casually mentioning this, not
because anything other than you think it would be cool
'cause it meets the moment.
He interprets that of like, oh,
she's already like fully sold hook, line
and sinker on this relationship and I'm still uncertain.
That type of imbalance can cause someone to pull back.
If you do want to make comment about the future,
it can easily be tempered down
and actually infused with some attraction language
by saying something like this.
Oh, you like Christmas?
Well let me say, if you play your cards right,
this thing actually works out.
You would love to meet my family at Christmas time
'cause they go all out
and that lets know that you're not sold,
you're still discovering,
but there's this great thing in the future that the two
of you could enjoy together.
Number six is over agreement.
Now in any kind of interaction, we're always looking
for common ground, we're always looking for ways
that we align with one another.
But when you take it to an extreme where you disagree
with everything he says, or everything he does is super cool
or there's no contrary
opinions, there's two things that happen.
Number one is it starts to feel vanilla.
But two, he can feel that from you
and he can feel that you're trying really hard to connect,
you're trying really hard to find that common ground
and maybe amplifying things that don't really deserve to be
celebrated or acknowledged like, oh my gosh, you love air.
I breathe air every day. Like we, we should get together.
Stuff like that. Don't be afraid to say, oh yeah,
I'm not really into car racing
or that's not really my thing.
Or the slight places where you diverge make the places
that you connect even stronger.
And number seven, a behavior
that often we think makes the other person feel special
but actually comes across as desperation and decreases.
Attraction is not holding your boundaries,
not holding your standards.
It's easy when we meet someone who's super special
and we really connect with them
and like we're on a whole nother level to make exceptions
for them to go home with them the first night
or sleep with them the first week,
or make all these exceptions that we wouldn't do
because they're so special.
The challenge is when we don't hold our boundaries,
when we don't hold standards,
then he doesn't have the chance to earn anything.
And if it comes easy, then he feels like, well,
I might not be that special.
He probably does this with, with everybody, regardless of
what you say, that's how he feels,
that's what he experiences.
On the other hand, if you do hold your standard or boundary
and you take things slow, you let him earn it.
Then when you actually take the relationship there,
like sleeping together or introducing him to your family
or whatever the standard is, he feels special at that point
because he's earned it.
And ultimately, here's the good news, it is really hard
to screw up the right thing.
So if you've noticed one of these things
that you've been engaged in
or doing, know this, it won't throw off a relationship
that's rooted on solid ground.
And so my question for you is, what are the behaviors
that come across as desperate to you that they engage in?
Go ahead and post those in the comment section below.
I appreciate you.
I hope this serves you here as to your amazing love life
and I'll see you soon.