WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW"!
I'M STEPHEN COLBERT, AND I'M HAPPY TO BE WITH ALL OF YOU
TONIGHT.
NICE TO BE WITH A WONDERFUL CROWD.
TO BE WITH YOU PEOPLE TONIGHT MAKES ME FEEL WARM AND SAFE
BECAUSE WE ARE 12 AND A HALF HOURS AWAY FROM DONALD TRUMP'S
INAUGURATION.
IT'S REAL!
YOU KNOW, IT'S HAPPENING!
WE ALL KNEW THIS DAY WOULD COME.
IT'S INEVITABLE -- LIKE DEATH, AND NEVER SEEING HIS
TAXES.
( LAUGHTER ) I DON'T KNOW IF YOU WERE
WATCHING THE TV THIS AFTERNOON.
TRUMP FLEW TO WASHINGTON ON A PLANE THAT LOOKED EERILY LIKE
AIR FORCE ONE.
WHEN I SAY "FLEW," I DON'T MEAN HE FLEW THE PLANE.
I MEAN, YOU WOULDN'T WANT TO TRUST SOMETHING THAT IMPORTANT
TO SOMEONE WITH ZERO EXPERIENCE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
WOULD BE VERY DANGEROUS.
TO ALL THE PASSENGERS.
( APPLAUSE ) HE WAS ACCOMPANIED, OF COURSE,
BY FUTURE FIRST LADY MELANIA, WHO DRESSED IN MR. TRUMP'S
FAVORITE STYLE: RUSSIAN SPY.
( LAUGHTER ) NO ONE IS REALLY SURE WHAT
TRUMP'S GOING TO DO ONCE HE IS IN OFFICE, BUT THIS WEEK HE
EXPLAINED TO "THE WASHINGTON POST" HOW HE PLANS TO DELIVER ON
HIS HAT'S CAMPAIGN PROMISE.
>> HOW ARE PEOPLE GOING TO KNOW THAT AMERICA IS GREAT AGAIN?
IT'S A SUBJECTIVE THING-- >> I'M GOING TO TELL THEM.
>> STEPHEN: YEAH, HE'S GOING TO TELL 'EM.
AMERICA WILL BE GREAT WHEN HE SAYS IT IS.
LIKE YOUR DAD SAYING, "YOU LOVE COLONIAL WILLIAMSBURG!
WE DROVE ALL THE WAY HERE FROM ST. LOUIS, SO YOU ARE HAVING
FUN, MISTER!" THIS IS FUN!
♪ WE DROVE HERE IN AN 18-WHEELER!
I'M JAC JACKKNIFING!
( LAUGHTER ) AND TRUMP KNOWS THE ONE WAY TO
MAKE THE PEOPLE FEEL GREAT IS MILITARY PARADES.
>> AND WE'RE GOING TO SHOW THE PEOPLE, AS WE BUILD UP OUR
MILITARY, WE'RE GOING TO DISPLAY OUR MILITARY.
WE'RE GOING TO DISPLAY IT.
THAT MILITARY MAY COME MARCHING DOWN PENNSYLVANIA AVENUE.
THAT MILITARY MAY BE FLYING OVER NEW YORK CITY AND WASHINGTON,
D.C.
>> STEPHEN: YES, HE'S GOING TO SHOW OUR MILITARY IN TOTALLY
NON-THREATENING WAYS BY FLYING IT OVER TWO CITIES FULL OF
PEOPLE THAT DIDN'T VOTE FOR HIM.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I WILL PULL THIS F-14 AROUND, SIR!
( LAUGHTER ) SOUNDS A LITTLE SPOOKY, BUT
PRESIDENT-ELECT TRUMP IS JUST TAKING INSPIRATION FROM SOME OF
THE GREATEST DEMOCRACIES IN HISTORY, LIKE NORTH KOREA,
RUSSIA, AND CHINA.
SEE?
THAT GUY WAS SO EXCITED, HE WANTED TO BE THE HEAD OF THE
TANK PARADE.
I CAN'T WAIT FOR NEXT YEAR'S MACY'S PARADE, WHEN SNOOPY IS
REPLACED BY AN F-15.
OF COURSE, IF TRUMP REALLY WANTS TO REVIEW THE MILITARY MARCHING
DOWN PENNSYLVANIA AVENUE, HE'S GOING TO NEED A NEW HAIRCUT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: GOT TO GET A NEW DOO
TO GO TO THE BALL.
>> Stephen: I DON'T WANT ANYBODY TO BE AFRAID HE'S GOING
TO BE A DICTATOR.
I'M SURE HE'S GOING TO BE WARM AND LOVING.
HE WON'T CRUSH ANYBODY UNDERNEATH HIS HOB-NAIL BOOT.
THEY HAVE A CONCERT IN FRONT TO HAVE THE LINCOLN MEMORIAL, AND,
OF COURSE, THE PRESIDENT IS ALWAYS THERE, AND HE ENTERS TO
MUSIC, BUT INSTEAD OF "HAIL TO THE CHIEF," OUR NEW LOVING
PRESIDENT ENTERED TO -- ♪
♪ ♪
>> Stephen: HE ENTERED TO HEART OF STONE.
>> Jon: WOW, WOW.
>> Stephen: I HOPE HE WAS TALKING ABOUT THE STATUE OF
LINCOLN BEHIND HIM.
WHAT ELSE IS GOING ON?
SENATE HEARINGS BEGAN TODAY FOR FORMER TEXAS GOVERNOR RICK PERRY
TO BECOME OUR NEW SECRETARY OF ENERGY.
WHICH IS KIND OF AWKWARD, I THINK THERE'S A HERD OF TEXAS
CATTLE IN HERE!
IN 2011, PERRY SAID HE WANTED TO ABOLISH THE DEPARTMENT OF
ENERGY... SORT OF.
>> IT'S THREE AGENCIES OF GOVERNMENT, WHEN I GET THERE,
THAT ARE GONE.
COMMERCE, EDUCATION, AND THE-- WHAT'S THE THIRD ONE THERE?
LET'S SEE.
>> STEPHEN: HA, HA!
REMEMBER WHEN WE THOUGHT SOMEONE COULD BE TOO DUMB TO BE
PRESIDENT?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THOSE WERE GOOD TIMES!
MMM!
THIS MORNING, PERRY CHANGED HIS, I WANT TO SAY, MIND?
>> MY PAST STATEMENTS MADE OVER FIVE YEARS AGO ABOUT ABOLISHING
THE DEPARTMENT OF ENERGY DO NOT REFLECT MY CURRENT THINKING.
IN FACT, AFTER BEING BRIEFED ON SO MANY OF THE VITAL FUNCTIONS
OF THE DEPARTMENT OF ENERGY, I REGRET RECOMMENDING ITS
ELIMINATION.
>> STEPHEN: NOW THAT HE KNOWS WHAT THE DEPARTMENT DOES, HE
LIKES IT!
I REMEMBER HITTING PUBERTY AND FEELING THE SAME WAY ABOUT MY
MAN PARTS.
( LAUGHTER ) OH!
OH!
WHAT'S HAPPENING?!
OH!
SO THEY'RE NOT JUST IN THE WAY WHEN I RUN?
THEY SERVE A PURPOSE.
I'M NOT GOING TO ELIMINATE THEM.
( LAUGHTER ) ACCORDING TO "THE NEW YORK
TIMES," PERRY ORIGINALLY THOUGHT THE JOB OF SECRETARY OF ENERGY
WAS BEING A GLOBAL AMBASSADOR FOR THE AMERICAN OIL AND GAS
INDUSTRY, BUT NOW HE KNOWS HE'LL BE IN CHARGE OF THE UNITED
STATES' NUCLEAR ARSENAL.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) AND AS ONE MEMBER OF THE
TRANSITION TEAM PUT IT ABOUT PERRY'S EDUCATION, "IT'S BEEN A
LEARNING CURVE."
BUT COME ON, HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
IT'S NOT LIKE UNDERSTANDING OUR INTERCONTINENTAL BALLISTIC
MISSILE SYSTEM TAKES A ROCKET SCIENTIST.
I MEAN, THE OUTGOING SECRETARY ERNEST MONIZ IS ONLY A NUCLEAR
PHYSICIST.
MEANWHILE, IN COLLEGE, PERRY STUDIED ANIMAL HUSBANDRY.
( LAUGHTER ) WHICH MEANS HE KNOWS HOW SHEEP
DO IT.
( LAUGHTER ) THAT COULD COME IN HANDY IN THE
AFTERSCAPE.
GOT TO RAISE THE SHEEP TO TRADE THEM FOR, LIKE, POTABLE WATER
AND WOMEN.
( LAUGHTER ) EVERYBODY CALM DOWN.
LOOK, WE CAN TRUST THE GUY WITH THE NUKES.
HE WAS GOVERNOR OF TEXAS, FOR GOD SAKES.
HE WAS ON "DANCING WITH THE STARS."
( SQUARE DANCE MUSIC ) >> STEPHEN: TELL MY WIFE I LOVE
HER.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
FROM "THE BIG BANG THEORY," JOHNNY GALECKI IS HERE.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, WE'LL BE JOINED BY AN OLD FRIEND TO DO
"THE WERD."
SO STICK AROUND.