To be, or not to be, that is the question:
whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
and by opposing end them: to die, to sleep,
to sleep, perchance to dream; ah, the ...
You get the idea.
The MicroMachine Man, here, presenting a genuine original,
colossally collectible, most midget miniature replicas
of the real things ...
MicroMachines!
A lot of people know me as the MicroMachine Man,
or the FedEx guy, or "Terrible" Testeverde
from Saved by the Bell, or just that guy who talks fast.
In fact, I was in the Guinness Book
as the world's fastest talker,
and so, for the last 40 years,
if you needed a fast talker, I was your go-to guy.
Is that okay, did you get everything you need?
I mean, I can repeat it again if you want.
You sure you don't want me to do it again?
Because I could do it again ...
(stopwatch ticking)
When I was 12 years old,
I wanted to get into the Guinness Book of World Records.
So I figured the only thing I could really do,
since I wasn't gonna eat a car or swallow a lead pipe,
was to lock myself in a room and teach myself fast talking.
And I did that with the Hamlet soliloquy.
To be or, or not to be, that is the question.
(overlapping speech)
Years later, I'm at this party, fancy California,
Beverly Hills party, and a friend of mine
is trying to pick up this Valley girl.
He's from New York and talking pretty quickly,
and she looks at him and says,
"Like, oh my gosh, are you, like,
"the world's fastest talker?"
And he says, "No, as a matter of fact, this person is."
They called me over and I did
one of my little party routines.
(mumbles tongue twister)
And a guy walked over, and he says, "That's incredible!
"I'm a producer, and I'm gonna put you on a show."
I went on the show, and I did the fast-talking,
thinking that would be it,
and all of a sudden the phone starts ringing.
I'm booked all over the place,
and I manage to make a living out of it!
(lively percussion)
I can speak as fast as 11 words a second.
Now, I never do 11 words a second for TV,
but let me do Peter Piper at 11 words a second.
(mumbles tongue twister)
You can kinda hear me going puh-puh-puh,
but that's really all you're kinda getting.
But when you do TV, there's visual reinforcement;
people see you and do whatever,
so I do about seven to eight words a second.
That would sound something like ...
Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers;
a peck of pickled pepper did Peter Piper pick;
if Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled pepper,
where's the peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked?
Now, on radio, I have to do it even a little slower,
because you have no visual reinforcement;
you're not seeing me.
So then I do about five to six words a second,
so it sounds something like ...
Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers;
a peck of pickled pepper did Peter Piper pick;
if Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled pepper,
where's the peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked?
And that's kinda the secret to my success, because ...
if you can't understand what I'm saying,
they're not gonna pay me the big bucks.
(frenetic blips)
Then, the very first commercial I did
was the Federal Express commercial.
Okay, you, there's travel plans.
I need to be in New York on Monday, LA on Tuesday,
New York on Wednesday, LA on Thursday ...
It is, to this day, the most award-winning commercial
in the history of advertising.
The final scene, I'm sitting behind a desk,
and I'm going, you know, "Dave, what's the deal
"with the deal, are we dealing?
"Dave, it's a deal with Don.
"If it's a deal with Doc.
It's a deal, good, I'm putting you down.
It's a deal with Dick; Dick, what's deal with ...
So I did the thing like 29 times without making a mistake.
And the director said to me,
"What, are you like a machine?
"You never make a mistake?
I said, "You want a mistake?
"I'll give you a mistake the next time."
So I said, "Dave, it's a dork with Dick, Don, and duck."
And that's the take he ended up putting in the commercial.
It's a deal with Dave, Dick, and Dave.
Don, it's a dock with Dick, Dave, and duck.
(tape rewinding)
Don it's a dock with Dick, Dave, and duck.
The first time I saw it, I called him.
He said, "John, it's our little secret."
Although I'm known as the world's fastest talker,
I do not choose to live my entire life in the fast lane.
Sometimes I just like to take it all a little slower.
But sometimes it's really, really, really good
to be fast.
(cheerful electronic music)