(Bert burps)
Ugh.
Oh, that's gotta be on that mic.
Hey, everybody,
comedian Bert Kreischer here
And my new show
The Cabin with Bert Kreischer
is premiering on Netflix
and I thought a great way to kick off the premiere
is to sit with my bestie, Tom Segura,
and take an old trip down memory lane about our episode,
which he was very nervous about when we were shooting.
Yeah, 'cause of how you pitched it.
You're like, "I'm just
gonna be in the woods,
will you come see me?"
What?
That was it.
So we're gonna look at some clips
and we'll talk about the show.
You're gonna fucking love this.
[Tom] What is that?
- This is our dinner. - That's dinner?
Yeah.
It's about body, lean protein, clean body.
Oh, fucking shit!
Ahh!
Fucking shit.
Holy shit.
- The emu. - Dude.
I didn't know it was gonna be that real.
I don't think I've seen a dead animal up close
- immediately after it died. - Yeah.
And also, it was stuffed into a cooler.
- Yeah. - It wasn't like the right size.
It was like finding a body in a trunk.
It's exactly what it was like,
but it was like finding a 400 pound man's body
in the trunk of a Beetle.
The emu was enormous and it was just like stuffed in,
like they just killed it and they're like "no one can know."
And then they just stuffed it in there.
Yeah, it was startling to see, man.
Look at the feet, you just throw the feet?
Oh, I missed those.
Yeah, I fuckin', yeah, that?
That stood out first, the fuckin' pterodactyl claw
sticking out of the cooler.
- I knew we were getting an emu, - Yeah.
I didn't know we were getting an emu.
- Yeah. - It's like when you go,
"Hey, I want to get married and have kids,"
but you don't really know what that means.
- Right. - And then you're like,
"Oh, I'm not leaving the house now for six years."
Right.
"I'm gonna be raising children,
I'll be paying for this for the next 30.
- Exactly. - Oh god, I'm having sex
with the same woman
for the rest of my life."
That's not what you know is gonna happen.
I remember you saying, like, I don't think I can do this.
Yeah, oh, I thought I would definitely be able to do this
and it's amazing how quickly you jumped in and did it.
Yeah, and then we had our butcher friend,
Tiny or Sweets or somethin'?
- Sweets - Yeah, Sweets.
Who was like, "You did a really good job with this."
- You fucked it up. - Yeah?
- Did we? - Yeah.
It was cool to butcher something with a chainsaw.
(chainsaw revs)
Aw, fuck.
I'm an emotional wreck.
Okay, well let's tune you up.
Okay, so we're gonna go ahead
and just swipe over your auric field
and cut any energetic cords.
How hot was the crystal cleanser?
The crystal cleanser was a smoke show.
And she just sat with three degenerates
who were drunk and smoking weed all fucking day.
He has a lot of repressed sexual desires, you know?
- Oh my gosh. - I'm married.
He's repressed, like all of us.
We're married. We wanna tie our wives up
and spit on their feet, drag 'em through the house.
But now they're married
so you can't do those sexual things no more.
He would make me laugh so hard on his commentary.
He was like, "You don't understand, we're married.
We just wanna like tie somebody up, cum on their forehead."
And like saying crazy shit and I could see in her face,
she kept being like, “Okay”, but like she had no idea.
That was the hardest I've ever laughed.
Yeah, me too, I was crying.
'Cause I was watching her too
and she was handling it so well.
And we were like, are we gonna even be in this episode?
Or is this gonna be Joey monologuing?
Oh, that's what I thought it was.
'Cause his monologues were the funniest
and you can't tell if he's being serious or if he's joking.
I was raised by a single mom.
My mom would play cards with these women on Tuesday nights
and they would talk about their husbands
fallin' asleep eating their pussies and shit.
And I'd be like five, playing with like GI Joe goin'
"Who falls asleep eatin' a pussy?"
I didn't know what a pussy was.
You know what he told me he does?
What?
He's got I guess like a fungus toenail
and he'll shave the fungus and smoke it
to see if it can make him high.
That's a great pivot.
Fucking Jesus.
(in Spanish) This is blended. It's mild, medium, and strong tobacco.
I thought what we'd do is we'd roll three regular cigars
and then one mega joint.
Perfect.
Ask him if we can roll them now, but can we smoke 'em now?
All right, hold on.
Hey, uh, can we roll them now but then smoke 'em now?
Wait, do you speak English?
You speak English.
You assholes are out here
like I'm a fuckin' settler showing up goin',
"Hey, I want to teach you guys Christianity."
Are you Cuban? Are you Cuban?
- I'm Cuban. - No, he's Pakistani.
Yeah, he's fuckin' Cuban.
That joint he rolled, it was an ounce of marijuana.
He looked at it and he was like,
"I don't normally roll this, but like how will this do?"
And then he rolled a perfect blunt.
- The perfect... - It was enormous too.
It was like, I remember being so high
I thought the trees were talking to me and going, "Shh."
"Don't do anything."
People at home, live and learn,
this is what you should be doing.
Not opiates and that other garbage
you're putting into your body.
"Oh my back hurts." Go fuck yourself.
Smoke one of these, your back won't hurt no more.
[Bert] Holy shit.
God, this guy's good, that's nice.
That's a half fuckin' ounce, Jack,
we're gonna see the devil.
[Bert] That was a really fun fucking day.
[Tom] That day was awesome,
I didn't expect to have that kind of fun.
Really?
No, I mean, you know, you guys were figuring out the show.
- Yeah. - Like literally they were like,
"We're figuring this out today."
Like I don't really know what we're doing, kind of.
Yeah.
So for that to be the sentiment to start the day
and you fast forward to the end of the day
when like we had done all these crazy things
and it's crystal and the emu and smoking cigars
and smoking the mega blunt and just laughing,
like laughing all day, it was a great day, man.
Would you do it again?
- Yeah, I would do it again. - Heartbeat.
That's all we need to know.
We just needed a commitment for season two.
- Okay, season two, greenlit. - All right.
Watch this season of The Cabin
streaming right now on Netflix.