My tattoos? They actually say... Live, Love, Pasta.
Yeah, pasta.
It could be anything, as long as it doesn’t make sense.
The first two words make sense, and the last one is like, OK...
Why pasta? I don’t know, pasta is great.
None of what’s happening to me makes sense at all.
So I figured it doesn’t have to make sense.
I think I read somewhere that people have this inability to not care.
We can’t not care about something... we have to care.
Whenever I meet my friends
I always ask them, ‘How are you? How’s the family?’
Things that actually matter in this world.
I don’t ask too much about their jobs because
it doesn’t make any difference to me how you do at your job,
unless it’s affecting you mentally.
And then the question of ‘how are you?’ would actually apply more...
how are you in your headspace?
I just care about how they are doing.
I care about what their priorities are right now,
what their concerns are.
What they’re doing to ease their mental worries?
What scares them?
And what drives them?
I guess it would be nice to be asked how am I?
But these days, given my situation,
I’m kind of tired of repeating my situation.
So I don’t really look forward to the ‘how are you’ question anymore.
Maybe nowadays, for me,
if you ask me the more superficial questions
I’m actually happier that way because
I don’t have to talk about the bigger worries...
things that distract me from the bigger problems I have.
Sort of like the roles are reversed... strange.
Two years ago I was diagnosed with stage three pancreatic cancer.
I like to attribute it to karma...
I think only because it gives a sense of relief to have an answer.
A lot of people would say, no, don’t say that.
But it makes it easier for me to say,
hey OK, if it’s karma then I accept it
because I’ve done not so great things in life.
And at least having an answer is better than
always having a question mark over your head
about why... why is this happening to me?
Any other way seems to not give me any form of relief.
Who am I to know what degree of bad it is?
I don’t think I was that horrible a human.
I think I did a lot of good in my time as well.
But you know... nobody knows what you’re being compared to.
Only the gods know, the creators, the universe knows.
Another way that I deal with it... it’s the luck of the draw.
If it’s not me, it could be one of my friends.
I rather it be me than my family members,
my sister, her child... I rather it be me.
I cannot imagine people who don’t have any regrets.
My regret would be to not have been at more peace with myself,
with the things that I couldn’t control.
Just being upset or getting angry easily
about anything and everything that doesn’t really matter.
Worry about things that you have control over
and don’t worry about the things that you have no control over.
And it’s only been in the last two years that I’ve started to practice that.
In some ways I also shouldn’t look back and regret that because
doing so doesn’t do me any good now.
So I should just accept it and just vibe with it, just go with it.
The biggest lesson through the last two years,
that I’m still learning,
is to just let go.
I know it’s hard as a human,
especially from someone who used to be so hard ass,
so temperamental.
Now I let it bother me for five seconds
and then I let it go.
And that to me is already an achievement.
I’m trying to achieve that state where
it doesn’t even bother me at all.
But I think that’s a little bit impossible, given who I was
and who I am.
But I still try you know.
That’s the best I can do,
is just try to improve every day.
It stops any form of resentment from growing,
any form of negative energy from manifesting.
I think it’s more like waves in the ocean...
they still come.
But you’re better at handling it,
or the waves get smaller and less frequent.
But there will always be waves in the ocean
so you can’t stop that from happening.
We’re only human.... unless you’re really a zen master.
But I think even zen masters have their days
where they question a lot of things... so...
I think I’ve come to learn that because time is so limited,
especially for me...
don’t procrastinate on things that you can do today.
Say your sorries that you need to say to certain people.
And I think the one person I have to say sorry or
have to forgive most is myself
for not truly letting go for so long
and I wish I could have done it earlier.
Because I held onto being sorry for so long
that it came to a point where I was unhealthy I guess.
You just have to decide to be kind to yourself
because not doing so serves no greater purpose to you
and no benefit to your life.
It doesn’t make you richer, healthier, wealthier in any way.
It draws a lot of emotional energy from you
that you could have spent in much better ways
by being kinder to your loved ones, to yourself, to others.
You never know what’s going to happen tomorrow.
We all don’t know when we leave this physical world.
That’s why I say that time is so limited for everyone
because you really don’t know what’s going to happen to you,
or your loved ones, or people that matter to you.
I appreciate everyone whose paths have crossed mine
and I love all of them.
I love all you guys.
I know what I’d like in my obituary for sure...
Come celebrate my life.
Don’t feel sad for too long.
Try to remember the good times.
Just celebrate having lived a very good life.