(dramatic music)
(door smacking)
- I knew it.
- Who the fuck are you?
- I'm the bitch about to stab you in the stomach.
- I'm sorry I didn't know he was married.
- Now here's a situation I couldn't have dreamed
up in a month of Sundays.
This is my daughter.
She can be a little over protective.
Put the knife down, honey.
- Dad, if you're gonna hire a hooker,
would you please let me get you a good one.
- Beth.
- Hope you didn't pay full price for that boob job.
- Actually, God gave me these for free.
Looks like he gave me yours too.
- It's seven in the fucking morning.
I do not having the energy for this shit.
Now put it down she's a guest in our house.
(knife clattering)
- Calling an Uber.
- No you're not.
- Can you drive me into town please?
- Y'all just calm the fuck down
and have a nice breakfast.
And then yes I'll drive you anywhere you want to go.
- I'll get dressed.
- Ah.
I'm too old for this shit.
I'm too old for her,
I'm too old for that look you're giving me.
I'm just too old for all of it.
- Weren't too old for some of it.
- You know,
be nice to her.
- Okay, Dad.
- She held a protest at the livestock office,
threw a rock at your brother,
got thrown in jail
and I bailed her out for it.
- And then brought her home and fucked her,
along with your common sense.
- We talked 'till late.
I offered her a room,
her clothes were covered in pepper spray and paint
so I loaned her a shirt.
You know Beth,
maybe it's best you you don't stay for breakfast.
- Oh daddy,
I wouldn't miss this breakfast for the fucking world.
- Is there anything to eat
that didn't have a heartbeat last week?
- Ah.
- Orange juice didn't have a heartbeat.
- Is it non-GMO?
- I'm not sure what that means.
- It means the scientists didn't alter
the DNA of the orange
to make more money and ravage our bodies.
- I just buy big bags from the grocery store.
- Do you like wheat grass?
- I do.
- We have a whole field of it.
Hey Gator,
would you go out back,
pick some wheat grass,
throw it in a blender.
She's gonna love it.
- You grow wheat grass?
- We grow wheat,
which is a grass until it heads out and then it's a grain.
- It's a different kind of wheat.
- No.
See, I know you think that it just magically appears
at Jamba Juice,
but no grass grows in the ground.
- Gator, Summer's a vegan.
Would you make or something with no meat or eggs.
- Or milk.
- Or butter.
Maybe some pancakes.
- I don't eat gluten.
- What's gluten?
- So wait,
you'll eat the wheat grass,
but you won't eat the seed.
- Our bodies aren't designed to digest it.
- Who told you that?
- Doctors.
- My doctor never told me that.
- Well you should get a new doctor.
- You should get tested for chlamydia you fucking hippie.
- Okay Beth,
that's it.
She's my guest you'll treat her
with respect or you'll leave.
- I got a meeting anyway.
Love you, daddy.
- I hope you find a therapist who can help you.
- I hope you die of ass cancer.
- You know she can ah.
- She's a little old to be jealous of
the woman her father spends time with.
- Yes she is.
- And the cowboy fantasy's officially over.
I'll be outside.
Nah.
- Well that went to shit in a hurry didn't it?
- It did seem to go pretty fast, sir.
- Yeah.
(dramatic music)