Well, hello there and welcome to this episode of the Terri Cole show.
I'm so glad that you are hanging out with me today.
So I'm gonna ask you a question: do you ever tell someone something in confidence, something
important to you or something that might even be embarrassing to you, and then find out
from someone else that they told them?
Most of you are shaking your head right now?
Yes.
Um, do you ever be in relationships with people where you're afraid to tell them the truth
about how you feel about something?
Because you know that you're gonna be judged?
Yes.
More of you are nodding your heads.
Okay.
So this episode of the Terri Cole show is for you because I'm gonna be talking about
emotional trustworthiness, because those were all examples of someone who is less than emotionally
trustworthy.
So if you are brand new to this, uh, YouTube channel, come on in, say, hi, introduce yourself
in the comments.
We are a very friendly bunch right here.
Before we get started, make sure that you hit subscribe, cuz I wouldn't want you to
miss a thing.
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If you don't know me, my name is Terri Cole.
I'm a licensed psychotherapist, a relationship expert, and the author of boundary boss, which
you can get at boundarybossbook.com.
And I as always, I love to thank you for all your comments and your interactions, cuz this
is a very active group and I love to highlight your comments.
So Maria Rossi, under the episode called Boundary Scripts and Strategies For Grieving says:
"thank you for the consistently excellent content, Terri.
All the stuff that I'm learning from you feels like the key I've been missing for practically
all of my life.
I'm halfway through your audible book of Boundary Boss at the moment.
And I'm realizing just how little I was aware and how much I have still to learn.
I think I need to embrace being a bit of a late bloomer."
Well Maria better, late than never.
As long as you're blooming, that's all that matters.
Thank you for being a loyal part of my community.
I super duper appreciate you.
All right.
Let's move into today's content.
What are we talking about?
Well, what is a trustworthy, emotionally trustworthy relationship?
In an emotionally trustworthy relationship you feel seen, heard you feel understood,
right?
If you ever been in a relationship where you endlessly feel like the other person is not
understanding you, I have, it is so painful.
Um, you can share yourself honestly, or as the subtitle of my book says, you can talk
true without fear of reprisal or without fear of judgment, right?
You can take the risk of being yourself because you believe the other person is not going
to be super judgemental.
Um, you can show your weaknesses, your vulnerabilities, like you don't have to perfect in an emotionally
trustworthy relationship and an emotionally trusting relationship.
You also feel valued, right?
You feel important to the other person that how you feel, what you think matters.
The reality of relationships is that emotionally trustworthy and safe relationships, they are
the deepest relationships that you can possibly make or find.
It's so, um, incredibly important because if we are in relationships where there is
a lack of trustworthiness, right, emotional safety, basically, we are not being ourself
because we are in fight or flight mode so much of the time.
So what can you do to create, to attract, to interact in emotionally, um, trustworthy
relationships?
Well, first of all, how about having good boundaries?
Hi, I wrote a whole book on it.
You can get it at boundarybossbook.com, like actually.
Boundaries are one of the keys to creating safety.
And it's not about saying no all the time.
And obviously if you're listening to this podcast, unless it's the first time you've
heard me, you know, that I believe that boundaries, healthy boundaries are the actual bridges
to amazing relationships, to deeper intimacy.
They are not the blocks like people fear that they are.
I mean, that's what I hear all the time like, oh, I don't want, I don't wanna, you know,
be rejecting people, or I don't wanna be seen as bossy or all of the fears that we have
and yet, saying yes when you really wanna say, no, I promise you, is being fake nice.
Not real nice.
It's being like, avoidant "nice" as opposed to legitimately nice.
Cuz that's always the thing.
People don't want others to, um, judge them as not nice.
So what else does it look like having healthy boundaries and being safe?
You know, being able to honor what's important to you, being able to, um, not over-give,
not over-commit.
Um, another thing is realizing that there is no such thing as instant intimacy, which
means that we share information about ourselves with others incrementally and gradually over
time as people reveal themselves to be emotionally trustworthy.
And I think that this is a big problem that my therapy clients have had and people in
my, in my, um, courses and groups where...
It feels so good.
You feel like you make a heart connection with someone and it's almost like there's
this, "I wanna tell them my deepest, darkest experiences in like the first date," but what
ends up happening is then we get that, that vulnerability hangover where we're like, "Oh
my God, why did I do that so soon?
Why did I tell that to them?
Because I don't know them well enough to have shared that the way that I just did."
Um, another way of creating emotionally trustworthy relationships is keeping confidences and expecting
the people in your life to keep your confidence.
If you tell someone, your partner, something, whatever I tell Vic, I will expect him to
tell no one right?
I mean, not, not like I'm hiding everything, but if it's, if I tell him something that's
emotional or intimate, I certainly do not expect that he is telling another human being
that.
Um, but the way that we connect triangulation is a very popular way that human beings connect.
It's like gossiping about others.
It's, it's saying, "Oh my God, did you hear what Bob said to so and so?"
A lot of times this is a way that we try to connect with others, but it is unhealthy.
And what it is is it's emotionally untrustworthy because we are doing that and breaking confidences.
That is all untrustworthy behavior.
So if someone tells you something, unless you have their permission to share it with
someone else, don't share it with someone else.
If you wanna be an emotionally trustworthy person, then the next step of building a trustworthy
relationship is that you literally never two things: never say the meanest thing that you
can think of.
No matter how mad you are, no matter how heated it gets, walk away, protect your relationship.
Let's say you're in a relationship - you would know right now, you could tell me the meanest
thing that you could say that would like emotionally cripple your partner, if you said it to them.
But why would you ever do that?
And a lot of times it's because we learned this growing up, it is like fighting dirty.
People learned - a lot of times it's modeled behavior.
But if emotional trustworthiness is something that is aspirational for you, then you never
say the meanest thing you can possibly think of.
Cuz let's be honest, it's pretty pedestrian.
It's not like the hardest thing to figure out.
I could ask Vic right now, what's the meanest thing he could say to me, and he would, he
would know what it is.
Although thank God he would never say it.
So I want you to think about that because it's a responsibility, being in a healthy
relationship, and we all have a responsibility to the relationship itself, and yes, to the
other person.
But it's damaging as hell to a relationship to in anger say really mean and horrible things.
It is really bad.
So you don't wanna do that.
And you never want to use something that your person or friend or sister or brother or whomever
told you in confidence - you never want to use it against them in anger.
You never want to throw it in their face later or mock them about it.
If you're mad about something later, really think about that.
This is so common.
Being a therapist for 25 years, I can tell you, people do this all the time.
It's so damaging to trust.
It is the opposite of trust.
And it makes people...
If that's happened to you, then you know, immediately - at least my response immediately,
is I will never tell that person another thing that's important to me again, cuz clearly
they can't be trusted.
Um, but it's also something you have to have a conversation about.
Because sometimes it's not that someone is being, um, so malevolent and terrible and
mean intentionally.
A lot of times it is learned behavior, but it has, you have to have boundaries (see,
this is where the boundaries come in), to say that that is unacceptable to you and you
also cannot do it yourself.
Um, you do what you say you're gonna do.
When you are an emotionally trustworthy person, I can trust that you will do what you say
you're gonna do.
And if you can't do it, you will let me know.
Right.
That is an emotionally trustworthy thing to do.
Um, someone who makes a lot of promises and doesn't come through...
Now think about it.
Maybe you are that person.
Maybe you know that person.
Maybe you're in a relationship with that person.
But let's be honest.
You don't count on that person.
Someone who always says yes, who has the disease to please and is like, "Yeah, I'm definitely
gonna be there."
I know those people in my life.
I may still love them, but I'll only let them so close to me.
Because I have a friend like that who always says, "Yes, I can't wait.
We'll definitely do it."
Always big plans.
And then she always bails.
And so Vic will say, "Oh, is Betty coming to the whatever?"
And I'll say, "Ah, there's like a 40% chance she's gonna show up."
That's how much I can trust that relationship.
40%.
I would never go to that person when the [_] really hits the fan in my life.
I would never go to that person if I really needed someone to step up for me because 40%
of the time that that is not good enough.
Especially if the words they're saying are not aligned with the actions, right?
So this is again, back to do what you say you're gonna do because when you're in that
situation, let's just all get clear that what we're believing are not the words.
They are the actions.
Actions tell you either the truth about the way someone feels that maybe they can't tell
you, or it tells you what they're capable of.
They may just not be capable of giving you what it is that you want, even if they want
to.
But that is a real red flag.
And that's something that you have to be incredibly aware of in your relationships.
And don't let those things slide.
If someone's words and actions don't match, there's a lack of integrity in that experience.
And I'll say to someone, "Hey, you said you were gonna call me.
You didn't, which is fine, but you must, if you want to have a relationship with me, even
a friendship, you must let me know.
Like I'm not, my time is important.
How I feel is important.
And it's not like I'm the boss of everyone.
Nope, but I am the boss of my time.
So if you're not gonna call me when you said you were going to, you gotta text me and say,
'Hey, I can't make it, how's tomorrow'" or whatever it is.
But this just ghosting, just, just floating into the ether - just acting like the conversation
didn't happen.
That is someone who is emotionally untrustworthy in my opinion.
Um, what about listening?
You listen in a not judgemental way.
The person in your life listens to you in a not judgmental way.
And a lot of times we have to teach people this because especially if someone is a real
fixer, right?
If you're going to your partner and they really love to fix things and they're immediately
telling you what you should have done or what you should do now, this is where, uh, boundary
language comes in.
It's all in the book, boundarybossbook.com.
Go get it if you don't have it.
Um, where you can say, "Hey, what I really need right now is a compassionate ear.
I'm not seeking input.
I'm not looking for solutions or fixes.
I appreciate you just being here.
And you knowing that I'm in pain really helps.
You just holding space for me to figure it out because I will, um, I just need compassion
right now."
I always just will get straight to the point with Vic, with what I need.
He knows at this point, I mean, 25 years later, he knows, he'll say, "How can I best support
you right now, babe?"
That's all, that's all he needs to say, because then I can tell him and he can stop guessing
and getting it wrong because that's what happens when we think that people should just intuit,
or should just know, or somehow they've got like a magic eight ball or like a, you know,
a crystal ball that they can see into your mind, we're wrong.
And their, their inability to do that does not make them unloving or does not make them
wrong for you.
It just means they can't read your mind.
So this is where our own responsibility for getting our needs met, comes in where we have
to say how we feel or what we need.
And if someone is giving you suggestions that you don't want, when you really just want
to be witnessed, you have to set them up for success many times by saying that.
Um, another emotional trustworthiness thing is making yourself appropriately vulnerable
to people.
Because I've been in relationships, friendships in particular with people who it's like, they
are an investigative journalist, the amount that they ask me about my life, the people
that we're talking about, they remember everything I say, but somehow we never get around -- I
don't have them in my life anymore, b ut when I was in my twenties -- some somehow we would
never get around to them sharing.
And I always felt like this person in particular, that I'm thinking of, was collecting data.
And then the next time I would see her, she would bring up something painful that I had
shared with her.
"Oh, is your niece still going through that horrible situation with that terrible boyfriend
that got legal?"
Or whatever.
And I'm like, oh, ooh, it would feel like someone just punched me in the face, but that
person was not emotionally trustworthy.
So it was super imbalanced.
And you wanna look at that: is there a balance of vulnerability or are you sort of the, the
person who's always allowing others to dump on you?
Or are you like that friend I used to have, or acquaintance, who was like a, I felt like
every, every time I talked to her, even though she did it in a really sort of a "casual"
way, quote unquote, but I literally felt like she was collecting evidence for a case or
something.
It was really weird.
Um, and I, I just very naturally distanced myself from that relationship.
Um, but these are all things that you can do in your life right now that will up the,
um, emotional trustworthiness factor in your life.
Another thing for you to think about is a lot of times someone's words may be saying
one thing like it's fine.
But if that person's body language is very aggressive, if they're slamming a door, that
is also untrustworthy behavior, because it's, they're not talking true.
They're not, they're not talking straight.
So you wanna make sure that the body language is aligned with what is actually being said.
Another thing to think about in emotional trustworthiness is, as I said about the person
who I felt like she was interviewing me is, is there transparency in your relationships?
Any relationship that you find that you are like walking on eggshells in that relationship,
there is a lack of emotional safety somewhere because you wouldn't be walking on eggshells,
if you felt safe, right?
And, and it could be you, it could be - meaning, you might be having some kind of a transference
to a childhood situation.
Maybe this person reminds you of a mean stern grandfather you have, like, I don't know the
situation.
But it's something that is valuable to look at because you do know if you are in relationships
where you always feel like you are walking on eggshells because it feels terrible.
It's exhausting.
So I hope that this episode was valuable to you and added value to your life.
If it did, please share it with the people in your world, continue to drop your questions
and your comments, because I love interacting with you on Instagram, on Facebook, right,
right.
On the blog anywhere.
And you know, and please, if you love this and the podcast, drop us a review, leave a
comment.
This is how other people find the show.
As always, I so appreciate you spending time with me today.
Um, and I hope that you have the most amazing week taking care of you.