♪♪
-Happy Thanksgiving!
So, I sang the line, "It's 5:00 on a Saturday,"
and was told the line from Billy Joel's "Piano Man"
is, "It's 9:00 on a Saturday.
That is true, but...
I was not singing "Piano Man," by Billy Joel.
I was singing "Keyboard Guy," by Bobby Jake.
[ Laughter ]
[ Clears throat ]
All right. So we had a monologue.
There was a story in the news about a python
eating an alligator that happened in, um...
where did it happen? It happened...
Python eating an alligator.
It happened in one of the 50 states.
[ Laughter ]
South-- it was a Southern state, right?
[ Laughter ]
Oh! It was Florida.
[ Laughter ]
[ Clears throat ]
The punch line was a python eating an alligator,
or what's also known as a Florida turducken.
Now...people were upset because a turducken
is three elements -- turkey, duck, chicken --
whereas a python eating an alligator is only two.
We forgot to mention that when they cut the alligator open,
he had a little bit of meth in him.
[ Laughter ]
So you can call it a Florida turducken or a pyallimeth.
[ Laughter ]
Which is important to know, because if you're ever in
Florida, do not refer to yourself
as a polymath because it sounds too close
to pyallimeth.
You can get in trouble if you're down in Florida and you're
being all braggy about yourself.
"Oh, I consider myself a bit of a Renaissance man.
You could say a polymath," and someone's like, "Hey, Cletus."
[ Laughter ]
"This feller fancies he can eat a whole alligator."
And then...
In general, if you're a polymath, don't say it.
Let other people say it.
Ooh, Monday, we had a joke...
about a turkey with a knife.
And someone said --
We were informed the turkey would
hold a knife in its foot, its claw, not its wing.
But it couldn't -- it couldn't hold the knife
in its claw 'cause that's where
it holds its gun!
[ Laughter ]
It's a tur-knife-gun.
[ Laughter ]
This is fascinating to me.
It's pronounced "gay-la" if it's a noun, meaning a party.
It's pronounced "ga-luh" if it's an adjective
describing a party -- a gala affair.
And if it's a party with legal gambling and prostitution,
it's pronounced Nevada.
[ Laughter ]
I was told I held
the Maryland state flag upside down.
This is how I held it last week.
As you can see, that is an eyesore.
But this, oh, yi yi, beauty, beauty.
[ Laughter ]
Also, this is the only state flag
that's also a Magic Eye poster.
[ Laughter ]
If you stare at it long enough, you see...
like, Maryland celebrities.
[ Laughter ]
Stringer Bell.
[ Laughter ]
Audience is still split on tank-top week.
Some people thought that when I wore my tank top,
I looked scrawny.
One person said my arms look so good,
it made them self-conscious.
Again, we can decide. Let's take a look.
I don't -- [ Laughter ]
No, I think it's fi-- I think it's like average arms.
[ Laughter ]
I think it's average arms for a late-night talk-show host.
So, uh...
We joked -- we talked about a guy wearing a stovepipe hat
and how you could fit
an entire week's worth of pizza under the hat.
And someone said, "That's not enough
pizza for a week." It is if you intermittent fast.
[ Laughter ]
If you don't know, intermittent fasting
is a diet that also doesn't work.
[ Laughter ]
We've been talking about the supermarket chain Aldi.
And, uh...
It just occurred to me today, right?
I'm working on this -- my "Corrections" afternoon,
and...it occurred to me how funny it would be
if Snoop Dogg had, like, a partnership with Aldi,
and, you know, through Snoop Dogg,
they would offer all these pretzels, all these chips
and Aldi's nuts. [all deez nuts]
[ Laughter ]
Pretty proud of it. Shoemaker and I share a wall.
If you're wondering, that's why, at 10:00 a.m.,
you heard me scream, "Eureka!"
[ Laughter ]
But, guys, I do this sometimes.
I come up with a thing, and I worry
I might not be the first guy who came up with "Aldi's nuts."
And, sure enough, I, uh -- I took a look,
and, oof, the youth of today have me beat.
It was not -- Not by a long shot
did I get to "Aldi's nuts" first.
So, uh, that is a joke that left the station years ago.
And because of that, it's not like
I was gonna waste Tara's time
and have her make a graphic.
That would have looked probably something like that.
[ Laughter ]
♪ Mm-hmm ♪
Oh, if Donald Trump had fallen into a lake,
we talked about you would not be able to get him out
with a pool scoop. You would need a winch.
Shout-out to all the jackals who wrote that if they couldn't
find a winch, that a panicked Donald Trump would
probably insist they go looking for one
and would scream, "Winch hunt."
[ Laughter ]
There are no lawns in Japan.
I don't know what joke I made that implied there were.
But a lot of you told me there aren't.
Apologies.
[ Laughter ]
The French Revolution happened in the 18th century,
not to the 19th century.
A lot of you were really mad about us getting that wrong.
But, guys, there were --
you could still feel the repercussions
in the 19th century. Okay?
You don't have a revolution and then just move on.
[ Laughter ]
'Cause it's awkward for a --
You have to then live together.
You know?
You'll see people -- les poissons --
that you... [ Laughter ]
You know, that you were on -- And you're like,
"Oh, you look familiar.
Did I perhaps see you through a wall
of stacked-up furniture?"
They stacked up a lot -- the most --
They said, of all armed conflicts,
French Revolution had the most walls of stacked-up furniture.
[ Laughter ]
Hey, guys, we've been talking about Frankenstein.
And based on some of the plot details I discussed
last week, many of you jumped to the conclusions
that I have never read the book by Mary Shelley
and I've only seen
the 1931 horror movie.
That is not true. I did read the book.
But I went back, and I dug up my copy of the book,
and I realized -- I realized what happened.
I read this version.
[ Laughter ]
Speaking of, someone wrote about "Frankenstein,"
"The villagers ostracized and persecuted
a sensitive soul purely because he was different,
and their behavior cannot be excused.
Sort of like what Seth does with Wally."
[ Laughter ]
I would say Frankenstein does remind me of Wally in that,
once we started putting Wally on camera,
we created a monster.
[ Laughter ]
Sometimes there's a comment so succinctly written
that I just want to share it with you.
Somebody wrote, "Seth clearly knows nothing about the Moon."
You got me. [ Laughter ]
I don't know a [bleep] thing about the Moon.
And here's why.
Everything you learn about it ruins the magic.
[ Laughter ]
Talk to a Moon scientists and they'll ruin everything.
"There's no man in it. It's not made of cheese."
[ Laughter ]
"It's round." Okay.
Then how come I can draw it on a piece of paper?
[ Laughter ]
Are there -- I just --
I want to be the first -- I want to be --
[ Laughter ]
You never hear of flat-mooners.
[ Laughter ]
I'm gonna be a flat-mooner.
Yeah, I did my own research.
[ Laughter ]
I mean, are flat-earthers, flat-mooners, too?
It would be so weird if they were, like, full on --
they were good with the Moon being round.
I don't know.
"The Earth is flat." "What about the moon?"
"I'm not [bleep] crazy."
[ Laughter ]
"Come on, dude."
I did get waxing and waning exactly backwards.
Waxing means getting bigger, waning means getting smaller.
Wax on, wane off. That was the right way.
Do you want to do Miyagi?
Might be -- [ Laughter ]
Might be a fun way for everybody to see on camera
the first time. [ Laughter ]
Shoemaker...
You're in the costume. All right.
[ Laughter ]
Um...
I wrote a joke about Superman going into a bank
and then coming out with his underpants pulled over his head
by the bank robbers.
In my mind, if you pulled
underpants over someone's head, they would come down --
You know, like, you'd pull it down.
This is what graphics came up with.
Just a [bleep] kickass hat.
[ Laughter ]
Just, like, a kryptonite-proof bike helmet.
[ Laughter ]
So, again, shame on me.
Roll down to graphics. And I'm like,
"Is that what you think
Superman's underpants look like?"
And of course, they're all like,
"What do you think they look like?"
[ Laughter ]
Weirdos.
[ Laughter ]
All right. I want to come clean about --
Well, first of all, you know, obviously, we're aware
of the jackal mug.
Very popular in the merch.
Someone sent me this.
They just made this.
Don't. Make. Better. Mugs. Than. Us.
[ Laughter ]
But here's the thing. You know, I said we were
gonna do a sweepstakes because I felt bad for
our foreign viewers, foreign jackals,
who can't order, um...
Can't order the mugs online because NBC doesn't
ship to other countries
because, um...
they just don't want to monetize it.
[ Laughter ]
I say, "Don't you want to monetize it?"
And they say, "It's art."
[ Laughter ]
So, anyway, I said, "Hey.
Everybody from overseas, send in a postcard,
and then I'll draw one out."
Sweepstakes, right?
And we'll send -- one lucky foreign jackal
is gonna get a mug. And so anyway,
I didn't check with anyone when I did this.
I don't run "Corrections" by anybody.
And for the last month since I've done that,
I've been having tons of meetings with NBC's
legal department, hours a day.
And then, yesterday, they said, "Here's the deal.
Anyone who sent in a postcard you have to send a mug to."
And I said, "How did this take a month?"
And they said, "We wanted to bill you a bunch."
[ Laughter ]
-So, anyways, now...
By the way, window's closed, pals.
[ Laughter ]
Postmark yesterday.
[ Laughter ]
So, long story short,
if you're an international viewer,
and we can read your handwriting --
We saved them all -- and you are gonna get a mug.
Okay? Congratulations. You broke the code or whatever.
[ Laughter ]
Just know, to fill an order this large,
while you're laughing it up,
everyone at the mug factory has to work on Christmas.
[ Laughter ]
Not that you jackals would care.
But you know what? I also want to stress something.
It was my mistake. Mea culpa.
I should've checked.
Not gonna make NBC pay for this.
I will pay for the mugs out of my own pocket.
I'm gonna do that. Shoemaker, hold me to it.
[ Laughter ]
[ Laughter continues ]
But you know what?
So I'm gonna pay for the mugs. But you know what?
I'm also gonna use...
However much I pay for the mugs,
I'm gonna use -- whatever it costs,
I'm gonna take that same amount of money,
and I'm gonna get something fun for me.
You know what I mean? [ Cellphone rings ]
Because I think I also deserve something fun.
Hey, honey.
Yeah. Just "Corrections" and then...
Nope.
I can't get something fun?
[ Laughter ]
No, no, I know, but...
Well, what would you spend it on?
Yeah, but...
Them going to college isn't fun for me.
[ Laughter ]
[ Laughter continues ]
[ Laughter ]
Well...
Congratulations to all you jackals out there.
We are gonna send them via
the cheapest possible shipping option.
And have a very happy Thanksgiving, everybody.
I will -- You will see me in two weeks.