Hey everyone it's Anna Runkle also known as the crappy childhood fairy. Have you
ever been at home and you hear the doorbell and you're pretty sure it's
somebody selling something or giving out literature and instead of answering the
door you hide like on the floor whispering so they don't like know
you're there, have you done this? This is a form of
isolating because we don't trust ourselves to have boundaries and that's
the topic of this video in my series on isolation. Isolation is a totally common
symptom of childhood PTSD and a lack of boundaries is a big reason why we get
isolated. Now I know that when I hid on the floor of my kitchen, and I dragged my
kids into this too by the way, we were totally laughing really quietly and you
know in the scheme of things this is pretty unimportant in terms of causing
isolation in my life but a lot of us when we're isolating we do the same
thing around important things, we ignore texts from friends, we leave early at
events where there's likely to be conversation or when a friend calls
asking if you can give them a ride you pretend you never got the message. Do you
ever do this? Now I know there are sometimes good self protecting reasons
to just avoid facing certain people, they're dangerous, they've become a total
nuisance and you don't have time right now to face them and deal with
disappointing them. But I'm talking about the way that we sometimes choose to
isolate even from people we care about even from opportunities for work or fun
that we used to crave in our lives. And the reason we do it in that moment
may seem like a good idea but when you stand back it's because the demands on
you in that relationship or that work project or that dinner party could, in
your mind, like go out of control. And a lot of us fear being sucked in or
overwhelmed or stuck in a situation where you're miserable but if you look
at it, it would be really hard for somebody else to actually trap you in a
situation where you didn't want to be. Being literally trapped in a bad
situation was something that used to happen to me when I was a kid and then
I've been physically attacked and held at gunpoint a couple of times but other
than that, I actually had a choice about where I was who I hung out with
what I said yes to. And so all the times where I felt pushed or coerced or
trapped or miserably obligated were really me not having the inner strength
to say no, it was me being afraid what people think of me or me going on a long
path of people-pleasing, a little here a little there, until I was deeply embedded
in some situation I actually resented. I said yes so many times because I
couldn't deal with saying no, that I didn't even remember how I got there. It
begins to seem like other people are doing this to you so the paradox of
learning to say no to people, not through ignoring them but through responding
with a real communicated "no" is that it frees us to stay connected. And when
we're confident that we can give something a try we could attend a
meeting, we could go on a date or take on a project and then you know that you
can still say no the next time or even in the middle of it. When you know that
you absolutely have freedom when you are in charge of when you say yes and no,
isolation is not necessary anymore, you can choose solitude at times which
is healthy and necessary but you don't have to avoid people altogether, it's
okay to say no, it's called boundaries and people respect you for having
boundaries. We all prefer to connect with people who take care of themselves,
who are not secretly resentful that they've said yes to us, it doesn't do us
a favor and it doesn't do them a favor, Now here's a secret about boundaries,
they go two ways; a boundary is what you say no to but it's also saying yes to
things that are right for you to say yes to. So let's call the "yes" ones
responsibility boundaries. When a father doesn't support his kids financially,
he's breaking a responsibility boundary and when someone says they'll pick you
up at 8 a.m. and they never show up or call, they just broke a responsibility
boundary. And notice that the father who doesn't pay, the friend who doesn't show
up at your house, they are isolating too and we can
isolate by avoiding saying no and we can isolate by avoiding saying yes. So
childhood PTSD can really do a number on us in our capacity to say yes and
at the right times. Now that discernment begins to heal when we take positive
steps toward healing and we get out of the shadows of isolation and I mean
watch out if you stay isolated over the years it will start to bring out the
worst in you, it does that to everybody, So recovery means learning this
discernment; when you know your own mind and you can say yes or no politely or
really fiercely if necessary your urge to isolate will get smaller and smaller
and you'll be amazed when you're expressing yourself on these day-to-day
things saying yes and no how much your life fills up with good people and real
connections. If you've got stories about breaking out of isolation or setting
boundaries tell us about them in the comments section.