-We are now on day 4
of the biggest scandal in politics,
one of the biggest stories, arguably, of all time,
a mystery for the ages that has befuddled experts,
rocked the world,
and which scientists and historians
will ponder for decades --
what happened to Nicki Minaj's cousin's friend's balls?
[ Laughter ] For more on this --
and let me know, this is the first time
I've regretted calling the segment this --
it's time for "A Closer Look." Ugh!
[ Laughter ] ♪♪
As you've probably gathered, from 18 months of pandemic life,
there are lots of weird medical opinions
floating around out there.
It seems like everybody's got one.
A new virus breaks out and, suddenly, everyone turns
into an apothecary from the 16th century.
"I tested positive for COVID.
Just take some ginger root and elderflower,
and you'll be fine. You know how much
apple cider vinegar I've been drinking?
The good news is I haven't gotten COVID.
The bad news is all my teeth are gone."
[ Laughter ]
We got to show me the pictures before the "Closer Looks."
[ Laughter ] I'm not just supposed
to roll through that.
[ Laughter continues ]
These are prosthetic teeth.
Props to the "SNL" props department.
[ Laughter ] Of course, we just went through four years
of a presidency led by a notorious scam artist
with all kinds of insane medical opinions,
so much so, that the current president, Joe Biden,
reasonably felt he had to debunk one
of the most infamous examples,
while talking about climate change.
-We know what the driver is -- climate change.
We know what's causing climate change --
human activity.
This is no longer subject to debate.
And I might add, windmills do not cause cancer.
-I like imagining the one guy who hadn't heard
Trump's original comments about windmills causing cancer
try to figure out what the hell Biden's talking about.
I mean, without the context, it makes no sense.
It's like seeing a surgeon general's warning
on a pack of cigarettes that says...
Has that been a problem? [ Laughter ]
Just talking about real things Donald Trump said or did
makes you sound like an insane person,
like you're describing hallucinations
to a psychiatrist.
I saw a man on my television.
"And what did this man say?"
He said, "Canadians
are smuggling shoes across the border.
"And what else did he say?"
He said Paris is no longer Paris.
"I see.
Have you been drinking vinegar?"
It's such a weird legacy of our politics
that presidents, for the rest of our lifetimes,
will just have to toss out
non sequiturs like that because of Trump.
One day, President Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson
will be giving a speech on manufacturing.
Out of nowhere, he'll have to say something like,
"Also, you guys, don't drink bleach."
So, Biden debunked the cancer part of Trump's comments,
but, you know, I also wish he would've said something
about the sound effects.
-And they say the noise causes cancer.
You tell me that one, okay.
"Rirr, rirr!"
[ Laughter ] Why didn't Biden have anything to say
about the noise Donald Trump thinks windmills make?
[ As Biden ] That's not what a windmill sounds like,
alright, Jack?
Listen up, folks. I'm serious.
I'm not joking around here. It's not, "Rawrr, rawrr!"
It's more like, "Whoosh! Whoosh!"
[ Laughter ]
Or, you know, it's, "Womp! Womp!"
Get it right, pal.
[ Laughter ] So, Biden felt the need to remind everyone
that windmills do not, in fact, cause cancer,
and, now, the White House has to address yet another bit
of misinformation that has circulated on the Internet.
You may have heard about it --
the sad case of Nicki Minaj's cousin's friend's balls,
which, by the way, is the worst
of the Hardy Boys Mysteries.
[ Laughter ]
As I'm sure you'll recall, Minaj tweeted...
Two governments have now had to correct this information,
and we will get to that, but let's not let off the hook
this woman who called off a wedding
because her fiancé's balls swelled up.
The only way I'd ever accept that is
if it happened during the vows.
In sickness and in health...
"In sickness and in...
Honey, what's happening to your balls?"
"Uhh, it's nothing.
[ Laughter ] Just say, 'I do.'"
"No, I'm out. I don't like this! I'm out!"
[ Laughter ] Now, I know a lot --
a lot -- has already been said about this tweet,
but here's my question...
If it gives you big balls,
how come this is the first we're hearing of it?
[ Laughter ] Nobody's shy about their big balls.
Literally, it means you're not shy.
If the vaccine gave you huge balls,
CVS would be jammed with college kids
getting their eighth and ninth booster shots.
How come we haven't seen an epidemic
of men waddling around with their legs out
and swinging their nuts forward before they sit down?
I mean, I got vaccinated and, if swollen balls
were a side effect, you would see it every time
I got up to greet a guest and had to sit back down.
You know, because I'd have to do like a swinging motion,
like I'd have to like do one of these,
[ Laughter ] you know, lest I sit on them
and make a horrific noise, like...
-"Rirr! Rirr!"
[ Laughter ] I don't think that's the noise I make.
You know that classic thing when you sit on your balls --
"Rawrr! Rawrr!"
[ Laughter ] Another bizarre consequence of this episode
is that it's brought us the spectacle
of news anchors having to repeat the claims
and sometimes say the words themselves on air.
-The singer told fans that the COVID-19 vaccine
impacts reproductive health.
That's not exactly how she phrased it.
-She tweeted that her cousin's friend
got the vaccine and became impotent
after his reproductive organs swelled up.
-She said he has swollen testicles.
-"His testicles became swollen."
-Swollen testicles.
-Swollen genitals.
-Swelling to his genitals.
-Cousin's Swollen Friend's Testicle Gate.
-Nothing worse than hearing news anchors
say the words "swollen testicles."
It's like hearing your grandpa say the words
aroused or engorged.
[ Laughter ]
These moments are when I miss
having Tom Brokaw around to deliver the news.
That's the only voice I want to hear say those words.
[ As Brokaw ] Breaking news.
Gerald Ford fell down the stairs on Air Force One
[ Laughter ] and, now, he has
swollen testicles.
[ Laughter ]
Richard Nixon engorged at the news.
[ Laughter ] Anyway, we're now in day 4
of this scrandal -- scrotal scandal --
[ Laughter ] and we've gotten to the point
where the White House is getting involved.
-The White House says it offered Nicki Minaj
a phone call to answer her questions
about the safety of COVID vaccines.
It comes after Minaj tweeted earlier this week
and unverified story
about her cousin's friend in Trinidad,
who got the vaccine and became
"impotent."
Yesterday, Minaj tweeted
that she had been invited to the White House.
That prompted the White House to issue clarification,
saying the invitation was for a phone call,
not an in-person visit.
-Administration officials tell CNN's Jeff Zeleny,
"As we have with others,
we offered a call with Nicki Minaj
and one of our doctors
to answer questions that she has about safety,
the safety and effectiveness of the vaccine."
-What a bummer for that White House doctor.
He gets the best news --
that he's going to meet Nicki Minaj! --
followed by the worst news -- the reason why.
"Hello. Why, yes, I would love to meet Miss Minaj!
Well, I'm a huge fan. What's it for?
Uh-huh.
Yes.
Testicles?
[ Laughter ]
Swollen, you say? [ Laughter ]
And they were just weeks away from their wedding?
Well, do you think if
she called it off for that, they were ever really in love?"
[ Laughter ]
Second question -- can we get Fauci to take this one?
Any interest, Fauci?
Ohh!
The face slap is back.
We found out about the White House outreach to Minaj
after she had originally tweeted that...
And you know what? I think they should do it.
I think they should meet at the White House
and I think they should invite Minaj's cousin's friend as well.
I mean, why not? Rudy Giuliani's been there
and he is a swollen testicle.
He looks like the cartoon they show in a sex ed video.
"See what happened?
He forgot to swing forward."
[ Laughter ] And I think we already
have an idea how Fauci would handle such a conversation
because he was asked about this scandal on national television
and he actually had to tell people,
"No, the vaccine will not make your balls swell up."
-I wouldn't normally even ask you about this,
but Nicki Minaj has nearly
180 million followers
on Twitter and Instagram, combined.
She's beloved by her fans.
She's a huge talent, obviously.
Her tweet was seized upon by vaccine opponents
as some sort of evidence.
I want you to address what she said
because, for anyone out there
who has any questions about this,
Dr. Fauci, is there any evidence
that the Pfizer, the Moderna, or the J&J vaccines
cause any reproductive issues,
in men or women?
-The answer to that, Jake, is a resounding no.
There's no evidence that it happens,
nor is there any mechanistic reason
to imagine that it would happen.
So the answer to your question is no.
-Poor Fauci. When this whole thing first started,
he was a national hero celebrated by all,
played by Brad Pitt on "SNL."
Now, 18 months in, he's answering questions
about whether the vaccines turn your balls into cantaloupes.
We've gotten so insane, as a nation,
we've turned our most celebrated infectious disease expert
into an exasperated high school sex ed teacher.
"I heard you can't get pregnant in a Jacuzzi."
"Well, I heard you don't need a condom,
as long as you stand up right after you're done."
[ As Fauci ] Guys, come on. None of that's true.
Do I really need to show you the movie again?
Any day, now, I feel like the Brooklyn version of Fauci
is going to come out and he's just going to snap.
[ As Fauci ] Hey, the vaccine doesn't give you a big balls.
You know what gives you big balls?
Walking around Coney Island after midnight,
looking for the kid who stole your switchblade.
Ohhh, I got big balls.
[ Laughter ]
I got big balls, and enough hair around them
to make Rudy Giuliani another toupee.
I'm Fauci!
[ Laughter ] Also, I like
that Jake Tapper prefaced the question with,
"I wouldn't normally ask you this,"
as if, if he didn't, Fauci would've said --
[ As Fauci ] "Whoa, whoa, whoa, what is this, Tapper,
the [Bleep] Ball Question Hour?
[ Laughter ]
And Fauci is not the only medical professional
who's had to waste his time on this nonsense.
Yesterday, the health minister in Trinidad & Tobago
officially debunked any reports of swollen testicles
as a vaccine side effect in a formal press conference.
-One of the reasons we could not respond yesterday,
in real time, to Miss Minaj
is that we had to check
[ Laughing ] and make sure
that what she was claiming was either true or false.
We did and, unfortunately,
we wasted so much time yesterday,
runnin' down this false claim.
It is, as far as we know,
at this point in time,
there has been no such reported
either side effect or adverse event.
And what was sad about this
is that it wasted our time yesterday.
As we stand now,
there is absolutely no reported
such side effect or adverse event
of testicular swelling in Trinidad or, I daresay,
Dr. Hinds, anywhere else?
-None that we know of.
-None that we know of
anywhere else in the world.
-He sounds annoyed.
Or should I say, testy.
[ Laughter ]
That's the kind of jokes you get when Samberg's in the house.
[ Laughter ]
Should've put a mic in his dressing room.
[ Laughter ]
You really got to feel for doctors and scientists.
They're desperately trying to beat back a pandemic
that's raging on, despite their best efforts,
and they keep getting dumber and dumber questions.
First, it was the president, talking about ingesting bleach.
Then, it was the demon sperm lady,
talking about hydroxychloroquine.
Then, horse paste. Now, swollen testicles.
What's next? "Okay, Doc hear me out.
They say horse paste cures COVID,
but my horse has giant balls.
So does that mean all COVID cures
give you a giant horse balls?
And, before you answer that,
I'm not asking for myself.
I'm asking for my horse.
Hold on.
I have to sneeze.
[ Equine snort ]
Okay, I'm also asking for myself.
[ Laughter ]
The evidence about just how incredibly safe
and effective these vaccines are is out there
and it's been out there for a long time.
Moreover, getting vaccinated, which could save your life,
isn't just about your own health.
It's about protecting those around you.
That's why vaccine misinformation can be so dangerous.
And, as for Nicki Minaj's cousin's friend,
I just hope someone finds this poor man and helps him.
And you can probably tell it's him
from the sound his pants make when he walks.
-"Rirr! Rirr!"
[ Laughter ]
-This has been "A Closer Look."
♪♪
God's Love We Deliver cooks and brings
over two million meals a year
to men, women, and children living with HIV/AIDS,
cancer, and other serious illnesses
and they need your help, now, more than ever.
If you're watching this online, you can hit the Donate button.
Stay safe. Get vaccinated. We love you.