- So I remember when we first started dating, right,
after our first date, right, and then,
like, after the first date already,
we went back home, you went back home,
I went back home, I dropped you off
and then we were talking on the phone,
remember that? - yes.
- For how many hours?
The five stages of a relationship that
every couple needs to know
You see, one of the things that I notice,
especially with my students, right,
that when they have, when they're in a relationship,
right, when they have a spouse, they have a boyfriend,
girlfriend, husband, and wife, that
when one party is growing and the other party is not,
very often they have problems, right?
They're not going through these stages together sometimes
I noticed, that, one of the things I teach, I say this:
"You'll only be as successful
as your spouse allows you to be."
And it's very, very true.
Because if you want to do one thing
and the spouse wants another, you've got conflict.
- Yes.
- So, out of the five stages that we want to talk about,
but also from our own experience, right,
what we've gone through as a couple
now we've be together 13 years.
- 13 years, so the first stage just like most couples.
How they fall in love maybe it's love
at first sight. - Yeah.
- Right, right or maybe it's.. - The lust.
- The lust. - The passion.
- They're passionate.
That's called the Attraction Stage.
- Right, during that stage that
all you can think about it is that person.
- Yes.
- Right, so I remember when I first started dating, right
after our first date, right.
And then after the first date already,
we went back home, you went back home.
I went back home, I dropped you off
and then we were talking on the phone.
Remember that. - Yes.
- For how many hours.
- I don't know like 5 hours.
- Yes, so after date
we'd still talk for five hours.
- Yes.
- And then next morning we were having breakfast.
- I don't remember.
- Remember we had the little cafe that we went to.
- I think so. - So right after,
- we had breakfast again. - Okay, okay.
- I remember we had five hours of talking.
- Yes, yes. - Yeah, yeah.
So, it's like, you can't get enough of each other, right?
You think of each other, all you can think of, each other,
you want to, you text each other
a gazillion times a day, right?
You can talk for hours about nothing, really.
- Yes.
Right, you just met, you're excited,
you've got the dopamine kicking in, right?
- Yes.
- So then it's just like lust, right?
Like total, total attraction.
And for some, that might last a few weeks.
- Yeah.
- For some it may last for a few months,
depends on how frequent you see each other.
- Yeah that you see each other, yeah.
- I think if you see each other,
maybe a little more frequently,
that lasts a little bit shorter.
- Decreases.
- Yeah, relatively quickly, right.
- Yes, yes.
- But you know what I'm talking about, comment below, right?
When you first met, that person, right?
That boyfriend, girlfriend, that occupies your world.
- Yes.
- And you laugh, at silly little things.
- Everything makes you giggle, right?
- Yeah, yeah.
- That's cute, that's funny.
- Everything little thing reminds you of the person.
- Of them, of them.
That's all you can think about, that's the Attraction Stage.
- Yeah, yeah.
- So, for us, what was it like,
when we were in the attraction stage, for you?
- For me, definitely wanted to spend more time with you,
together,
- Yeah.
- Because I was still just a student, but he was working,
so we're kind of relatively different kind of worlds.
So, I'm not sure about his schedule,
but when I finished class,
I just want to spend time with him,
but then he was working most of the time, I think?
- Yeah, yeah.
And also it's the first time, you kind of,
Because I'm five years older than Jennie,
so dating someone, a little bit more mature, I guess,
also very focused.
- You mean for me?
Yeah, yeah.
- Right, first time, yeah.
So then that's the first stage.
The second stage is one we call the Crisis Stage.
That's when--
- Right after love and romance.
- Right after, so, romance is all good now,
now you are like facing the reality,
now you're seeing the person as, okay,
do we get along, are they any conflicts?
Now it's like, I don't like this about you,
you don't like this about me.
And a lot of couples, they don't get past this stage.
- The afterwards-- - Or sometimes jealousy
Jealousy you know.
- They talked with some other people,
it just gets lights up.
- In the Crisis Stage.
So, when did we go through the Crisis Stage, for us?
- I think after, three or four months, I don't--
- Because we were together almost every day, like very,
we see each other a lot within two, three months, right?
- Yeah, yeah
- Very often, and then,
I think after three months is when we had conflicts.
- Conflicts, yes
- Like fights, arguments. - Fights.
- And things like that, where she was telling at me,
like why is she yelling at me,
like what the hell's going on?
Like, yelling.
Like, literally, yelling.
- Did I?
- Oh you did.
1000%.
- Oh really?
- 1000%.
- Okay. - I don't yell, though.
- You shouldn't!
- Yeah, I don't yell.
I'm like just calm, but that's when we had argument, right?
The Crisis Stage, and I think we had a few of these
I guess relationship crises,
there was at one point,
that we thought we were not going to be together.
- Yes.
- That's when we thought, you know what,
maybe this is not going to work.
We thought about it, we thought about it.
And then that, I think that lasts about,
would you say about a year?
- Yes, around a year. - About a year.
And then we transitioned to the third stage,
which is the Working Stage.
- Yes.
Now, there was, Because we were living together already,
back then, and we had a, you could say, we broke up once.
Where like, I'm like, this is not working.
This is not what I wanted--
- That was during the Crisis Stage.
- Yeah, the peak of it, it was like, it's not working,
let's just, I moved out, basically.
- Yes.
- And that was it, we said we're not going to see each other,
we'll still be friends, we don't hate each other,
- It doesn't working. - It doesn't work.
The way I want it to go.
But then, through the Working Stage, we actually sat down,
and I'm grateful that Jennie initiated,
Because in my mind, it's like, it's done.
But in her mind, it's like, you know what?
Maybe we could try one more time.
- Yeah.
- Maybe, there are certain things.
We didn't set the expectations right.
So we actually kind of have that honest communication--
- Isn't that funny?
We had that conversation, first time,
after we were together for almost a year?
- Yeah.
- Isn't that funny, right?
- Now we talk, okay--
- What do you like, as a girlfriend,
or what do I like, as a boyfriend.
We actually finally had that conversation.
- It's almost like, what are your expectations?
- Yeah.
- Because we separate because that's not what I wanted.
And I told her what I wanted.
- Yeah.
- I told her about my goals and dreams.
- Yes.
And we went though, the other party to be supportive.
- Supportive, for sure.
I talk service, as his love language.
- No drama.
- Oh yeah, no drama. - No drama.
Because there's enough drama in the business world,
that I don't want drama when I'm home.
- Yes.
- So I think that's very key.
We talk about different things.
So your aspirations, your goals,
so through that stage,
I think we worked together as a couple, as a team,
I think from there,
then it's already way way way way better.
We had very little problems then.
- I think that was a time
when I realized we are actually working together as a team.
Whatever you define it as business partners, or as couples,
- or as girlfriend boyfriend - Can you share,
So I think there was a period of time where, you felt,
we had the conversation, very vulnerable here,
that Jennie was supporting me,
very much, truly,
behind the scenes,
whatever that I do,
in the business.
But she was still, a period of time where you kind of,
lost a little bit of that self identity.
You talked to me about, right?
Share, a little bit about that.
- I think that was after the crisis,
so it's the Working Stage,
I think it was probably even after Working Stage,
because during the Working Stage,
I was not much focused on myself,
I was more focusing on him.
- Yeah.
- So she does, kind of of revolved around my world, very much.
- So I want to make sure that I will do
whatever you expect me to do,
let's see if it's going to work, for both of us, of course.
- Yep, yep.
- And after that, to a point that
we're having a very stable relationship,
and we we're respect each other a lot,
and then when I realized
I don't feel like I'm Jennie Li any more,
- It's more like--
I feel like, I don't even know I'm Jennie Lok,
but I just don't know who I am?
So it was there's that period of time, like,
kind of like, lost,
is this what I really want to do for the rest of my life?
- Yeah, she was questioning,
should she pursue her own career,
like fashion merchandising, the fashion industry,
or different things that she wants to do.
And I said to her, like, absolutely.
I'm nothing but supportive, of her decisions.
But she was like, let me think about it.
And then at the end, what conclusion you came up with,
Because I think that's very valuable for you as well.
- I think, before we get to there,
maybe we should share the next stage,
Because I think that's exactly what happens
in the next stage.
- That's the Commitment Stage, that's stage number four,
that's commitment.
- Yes.
- I think the conclusion I made was,
instead of me focusing on myself,
because we're already a team, a partner together,
so whatever one party's success is for the both parties,
means, his success is also my success,
so I wouldn't define it as,
yes, Dan Lok got all of the fame,
he got all the things he wanted,
he like achieved all his dreams,
but then knowing that,
instead for him to achieve his dreams,
he can also help me to achieve my dreams,
- Yes.
- So, that was a time when I committed to this relationship,
to this future,
so we are working together, pulling from the same direction,
I think that was really a turning point,
and then, we actually to get to approach
a lot of the students, or couples, or his fans,
during the events, they're always asking me like,
Jennie how come you're so patient, you always wait for Dan,
because you know, like, you can imagine,
every time after an event
there's a zillion people approaching him.
I'm always just behind the scene, waiting for him,
people will sometimes ask me a question, like,
I don't think it's a problem for me, I mean,
he's doing what he's supposed to be, but knowing that,
he's doing for a bigger, better future for both of us,
not just for him.
And also a thing is the, where, it's a team work,
although I am under the spotlight,
but it's actually the team that makes everything work,
and Jennie is a very important part of the team.
So it like a performer, a singer on stage.
The singer sings, but you have the band,
you have the light,
you have the stage,
- You have the whole-- - You have the songwriter
- You have a lyric writer.
- You have a whole team of people behind that person.
- Yep.
- And sometimes people don't see that,
they think it's like one person does it all,
there's no way one person can do it all, right?
And Jennie's always the one that,
because we've been together for so long, that she knows,
what happens, right?
An example, like, if I'm on stage, if I'm teaching
and speaking, and she would be watching and she knows,
Oh, he needs water,
or he needs whatever it is.
That we have that unspoken communication,
and I think from that stage,
and there was a long time, like,
that Commitment Stage,
- Yes. It's not easy.
- We both committed, and then from there,
to the final stage, I think where we're at now,
which I think is the Growth, or Co-Creation Stage.
That we are co-creating our future together,
that we are learning together, we're growing together.
We were just joking that, remember?
a few days ago,
were looking at at a picture of me, how many years ago--
- Oh yes!
- Right and then her picture of how many years ago--
- Yes, yeah.
- And then how we have grown.
I've grown a lot.
- But that stage only happens when you pass through
the Commitment Stage.
- Yeah.
- So you have to both committed to this.
- So you can see like the Attraction Stage is like,
the less--
- It's short.
- It's a very short period of time,
but what makes a relationship work,
you've got to put in the work.
You've got to put in the work, there's no other way.
Just like, if you want to be healthy,
you've got to put in the work,
if you want to be wealthy, you've got to put in the work.
- Yes, yes.
- A relationship is the same thing, like,
you can't just let it, kind of run by default.
- Passive.
- You can't be passive about it.
So, now, we talk, the future, what we're doing to do,
and we still have,
we don't have problems, but we overcome problems-
- [Both] Together.
- The external world, what's happening out there, right?
So, those are the five stages that we believe every couple
goes through.
Comment below, share with us what stage you're at,
and what stage you want to get to.
If you are single right now,
this is food for thought.
This is something you think about where, you know what?
Is this person that I could see myself going though--
- Those five stages.
- Yeah, all those five stages with,
I think that's very key.
- And sometimes, even for the married couples,
they can't go though all the stages, even they're married.
- They couldn't, and that's why the divorce rate is so high.
And sometimes, people,
they just want to stay in the stage one,
all they want is the lust and the romance.
- It doesn't last.
It's almost their own bubble.
They have this fantasy,
they think it's like this fantasyland,
like, they want it to be the princess,
they want it to be the prince, you know what I mean?
- Yes, yes.
- You know they just want to have
like a perfect relationship,
- You know, I still have girlfriends like that.
- [Dan] Yeah, like, they want
a perfect relationship,
flawless.
- They want 110% attention.
- All the time, it's always romance, it's not like that.
- No, no.
- It doesn't last.
Comment below if you have any other questions,
that you want to ask Jennie,
or on the Alpha Man, Smart Woman Show.
And remember, behind every successful man,
- There's a smarter woman!
- We'll see you next time.