Welcome Back to my Dark Corner of the This Sick World.
‘There’s nothing out there but gophers.’
Chosen by one of our Patreons, TV movie Once Upon a Spy establishes its Bond-lite credentials right from the credits.
And the music apes Bond throughout.
Something we would certainly never do.
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We open with bad guys breaking into a research facility,
where they deploy their weird ray gun.
#POW POW POW POW#
We then meet modest computer genius, Jack Chenault,
’12 years ago I won the Einstein award for scientific achievement.’
played by sitcom legend Ted Danson.
He’s picked up by secret agent Paige Tannehill.
‘What are you, a secretary or something?’
For some reason they don’t get along.
‘Chenault, I fondly hope never to set eyes on you again’
I’ll be so surprised if they end up together.
Afterall we're two not unattractive members of the opposite sex.'
She delivers him to the head of her secret agency.
‘You’re here because you know more about computers than practically anyone in the country.’
And what are you, a secretary or something?
The big computer, last seen being ray-gunned, has vanished
and they want Jack to figure out how this is even possible.
‘I am not a spy, I will never be a spy’
I’ll be so surprised if he becomes a spy.
After checking out the location where the computer was, Jack has a theory on how the bad guys took it.
‘Reduce its mass.’
Which sounds...
‘Preposterous’
But there’s science behind it, which means we can check it out with Dark Corners' science advisor.
So, let's take this step by step.
'We start with simple cosmic rays, alpha particles, gamma particles etc, and he was going produce a simple particle accelerator.'
Dad, is that possible?
Yes.
Is it possible to intensify those particles using mirrors and prisms?
No.
Could such a ray be used to alter something's molecular structure?
Gamma rays are very powerful and can break molecules apart.
Could these alterations include shrinking?
No.
There is only one person who could pull off such an audacious feat.
'I've got it, I've got the moon!'
Or Christopher Lee.
‘In 24 hours the world will know what Marcus Valorium’s plans are’
As supervillain Marcus Valorium, in his tripped out wheelchair,
'Wahoo!' #No joke, that Homer Simpson Wahoo is in the film, we didn't add it.#
'A small rocket-propelled missile.'
'OK stay there.'
Which turns out more of a liability.
'Move.'
Dammit, I fitted the missiles but forgot about brakes,
'I don't where I'm going Marcus, but you're going there too.'
'Oh come on guys.'
Does seem like they could shoot him here.
'OK ladies and gentlemen, up here we have Mr Valorium's private quarters, and here we have Mr Valorium himself.'
Okay, this is Paige coming to the rescue,
we’ll assume the tour doesn’t usually visit this floor, but
why the hell does the public elevator come up here?
Supervillains have private elevators.
I can’t see Blofeld riding up to the office every morning surrounded by security guards and temps asking who the bald guy is.
‘I simply can’t believe it’
We still don’t know Valorium’s plan
but he has kidnapped a scientist and forced him to work on the stolen computer by also kidnapping his daughter,
but he’s struggling.
‘Everything’s too small, I can’t even see some of the components.’
Whoa, whoa, whoa. You can’t make it big again?
'But that would require some kind of Re-Bigulator, which a concert so ridiculous it makes me want to laugh out loud.'
But he gets it going.
Oh boy.
Having triangulated Valorium’s location via the maths montage,
it’s time for some classic Bond gadgets
‘These must weigh about two pounds.’
'Yeah it has about 3 yards of wire.'
‘Why?’ ‘You can use it for lots of things like garrot.’
and a classic Bond set piece, the parachute jump.
‘You forgot to tell me where’s the ripcord on this thing.’
Have I mentioned this isn’t a comedy.
Incidentally, they’re trying to sneak up, why the hell drop from the sky when you could have just driven,
but at least you dressed in black, then waited till morning to move in.
They sneak into the building, seen only by that guy in the background trying to hide.
And in the best Bond tradition, they are captured and learn Valorium’s plan.
‘I am going to reduce the molecular structure of the hoover dam.’
Why?
‘There will be an end of decadence and apathy, caused by a foolish faith in democracy.’
One leading naturally to the other.
It’s up to Paige to stop him.
‘This is where we make our move’
‘I wouldn’t if I were you’
Please note, he is stopping her from doing what he did earlier,
because that would end the film.
The same reason that, before flooding the globe,
Valorium wants revenge on Jack for beating him to a scientific prize 12 years earlier,
'You are the only person who ever defeated me in a game.'
'I'm now going to even that ancient score and I'm going to defeat you.'
'Would you be so kind as to outfit Miss Tannerhil for her role as the Canary.'
So he makes Paige a living participant in a game set in a vast maze,
'I will maneuver my cats, and you will maneuver your canary.'
presumably built on the off-chance his nemesis became involved,
‘The cat always gets the canary’
No, the canary flies off, why not mouse?
Anyway, Jack and Paige do the incredibly obvious thing,
‘Take off your transmittor’
and...
'Roody, she has stopped, when come round the next corner she will be 5 feet ahead of you.'
'Well, it's like this, when the cat is away...'
Valorium has lost touch with both his ‘cats’ but just assumes he’s won.
Winning the Dark Corners Dr Evil Award for why the hell didn’t you just kill them?
‘As soon as you’ve taken care of her go find Webster’s daughter’
I’m still in a maze.
Now Jack has to stop the shrink ray and save the scientist.
Didn’t they search him?
Somewhere there’s a guard going ‘No, he didn’t have anything, just a personal computer and a two pound pair of sunglasses.’
‘I don’t think it’s amusing’
Honestly, this is so ridiculous it’s starting to piss me off.
Jack and Paige need to alter the trajectory of the ray,
it is out in the middle of a large chamber, how are they going to reach it?
That’s not going to get you far.
My mistake, you had thirty foot of belt wound around you and...
This is co-written Hammer great, Jimmy Sangster,
and I can’t tell if he’d lost his touch, was phoning it in or completely taken leave of his senses.
This is Bond, beat for beat, even got the innuendos,
‘The tighter it is the better’
'Yes so I can see.'
The set piece from You Only Live Twice.
And of course the bad guy from The Man With the Golden Gun.
but it’s Bond without the charismatic lead or any sense of threat.
And sure they wanted it to be family friendly but that should be possible without reducing it to this.
‘But I am never ever going out in the field again’
I’ll open a bar instead.
'I'm probably going to regret this.'
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What other adult film series should get kid friendly versions?
Pitch us your unlikely family movies in the comments below.
'Programming complete.