- The N-word's a tricky word,
you know.
I told a joke about the N-word at another show,
the crowd got real quiet, like it just did.
I felt bad, so I tried to do crowd work
to loosen 'em up, make them have fun again, and it worked.
People started having a good time,
they forgot what I was talking about,
I forgot what I was talking about,
So when I went to finish the joke I go,
"what was I just talking about?"
And this white lady in the back yells out,
"Niggers."
You laugh at that shit, but that other audience did not.
They were horrified.
They all gasped,
They were like, "Hit her, hit her."
I was like, "I'm not gonna hit her."
She's 100% correct,
that's exactly what I was talking about.
It was also the way she said it, too,
because she wasn't like, "Niggers."
She was like, "Niggers! Oh God."
Like she was scared or something.
She clearly wasn't being racist,
she just wanted to hit a punchline.
I couldn't be upset with her for that, you know?
I couldn't be upset with her.
If it was a white guy, maybe I would've been more upset,
only because it puts a lot of pressure
on me as a black dude.
Like, I don't know if you know this or not,
but if a white guy says the N-word and I hear it,
means I gotta fight him.
Even if I'm not that upset, I gotta fucking fight him,
It's in the black dude contract for some reason.
And I gotta win the fight,
'cause if I lose, that means he gets to say it again.
I gotta go tell people that shit.
I can't be like, yeah man,
this white dude called me a nigga yesterday.
"Word son, what'd you do?"
Well then, I got my ass kicked for 15 minutes.
Then he yelled it again and rode off on a city bike,
It was embarrassing.
I don't like when white people ask me
can they say the word,
I just don't like, it makes me, you know.
Anytime a white guy ask me if they can say the N-word,
it feels like an alcoholic asking
if they could have a sip of my drink.
It's probably harmless, but it's a slippery slope,
that I don't wanna be...
I don't wanna be responsible for that.
I don't understand why white people can't just
accept the fact that there's just some
shit you can't say.
As a black guy,
I know there's shit that I can't say,
like screwed the pooch.
I don't feel comfortable saying that shit right now,
and it's my special.
- Yeah, and the second thing I know
is true about all white folks,
is that all of y'all wanna say nigga a little bit.
Yeah, this is peer review research.
I don't give a fuck how you feel about it.
Right, 'cause it's the only thing
in America you can't just freely do.
You gotta think about it,
you gotta make sure the coast is clear, you know?
You see a group of black people in the corner,
they tossing N-words around like they juggling knives.
You think to yourself, "Ooh, dangerous,
I wish I could participate."
Right?
It makes you feel 99% free.
- People always wanna know who can say the N-word,
and who can't say the N-word.
You know, like people always,
like I've got a lot of, you know,
I've got a lot of white friends,
and they're always just like,
"Oh man, I wish I could say that stuff man,
"it sounds so cool when you say it in a rap song,
"like, I wanna say that, it sounds cool."
I'm just like, ah, it doesn't really, like, do anything.
It's not that great, you know?
Like, it still comes up in weird places.
Like, you know, like that Niglet joke,
I told that joke in Alaska.
And Alaska, for some reason, has a large deaf population.
So they hired a woman to do sign language with me,
for that joke,
and she comes up to me and she goes,
"I'm sorry, but,
"are there any terms or phrases in your act
"that don't exist in sign language,
"that I have to make up on the spot?"
And I was like,
"yeah..."
"Niglet?"
And she goes, "Oh."
There's already a term for Niglet in sign language.
They already have it.
Deaf people have been saying Niglet for years.
For years.
A nigga that is tiny, that's what that means.
I was, no, I was dating this Armenian girl
and, um,
we- we were ma- making sex,
and...
she goes,
"Fuck me harder with that N-word dick",
and I stop,
look at her right in the eye,
and I came harder than I've ever come...
before.
It was so awesome you guys.
It was so great.
Like, I was like, what?
Like, I couldn't believe it.
Like, it was almost worth being black my entire life.
It was...
so great.
I don't know the answer to that question.
A lot of white people ask when can you say it?
When can you not say it?
I don't fucking know.
"Can I say it?"
I don't know, try it.
I don't believe that every white person
that's ever said the N-word is a racist.
I don't know.
Maybe you just like music, I don't know.
You can't just be a racist,
you gotta earn racism for me.
That's just how I feel.
You can't just say nigga and you're a racist,
you gotta earn racism.
I had a white girl call me a nigga in an argument,
and I didn't even get mad at her,
because I've known this girl for 20 years,
and she can't be a racist because
she's got low self-esteem.
You can't think you better than niggas
if you don't even believe in yourself,
I don't buy it.
Sorry.
- And my white friend, he was like,
"Well, what can I do to say it?"
I was like, motherfucker,
white people so damn persistent.
I see why y'all successful.
You negotiate everything.
"Well, I hear your angle, but what if.."
"I know you have the wall up
"but if I dig a tunnel up under here,
"how do I get to the N-word?"
I'm like, look man, I wish there was a protocol
that I could give you, okay?
I wish there was a application you could fill out,
and you could send it in to nigga immigrations.
You go to nigga-gations and get yo fucking nigga-pass.
You know what I mean?
And there's a angry brother sitting at the desk,
he gotta interview you.
He sitting there like,
"Yeah, what you want?"
"Um, I'm here to get my nigga-"
"You're here to get what, motherfucker?"
"I'm here to get my N-word pass".
"All right, that's better".
"All right, well, who sent you?"
"Laq'kieche."
"Spell it."
"Uh, L-A-Q...
apostrophe,
"K-I-E-C-H...
E, accent over the E,"
"And?"
"And the Q...
is silent."
"My nigga,
that was a,
that was a hard one, man.
Hey, I wanna thank you.
Now I know how to spell my wife
and my daughter's name.
Thank you, brother.
Hey, don't forget your pass,
Here you go.
All right, next.
All right.
On the Cosby show.
When Denise made Theo that designer knockoff shirt,
What was the name of the real designer
that she knocked off?
Gordon Gartrelle, my nigga,
come here quick, nigga, get your nigga pass.
All right, next.
Let's see here, all right,
let's see your application, all right, okay
Okay.
Your hobbies are eating, drinking, smoking,
and all types of ill shit.
All right, I fuck with that.
All right.
What's your favorite flavor of Koolaid?"
"It's fruit punch.
I love fruit punch."
"Ah,
I dunno,
personally, I like grape, you know?
Cause, uh, it does something funny to a black person's
mouth, the sweet and the tangy
makes your mouth do this here."
"Okay, when making Koolaid,
what,
is your sugar to water...
ratio?"
"Well, that'd be three parts sugar,
one part water."
"Motherfucker, what you making?
Milk?
Denied.
Fuck outta here.
What kinda sour pucker shit you making?
Let me tell you something,
It's 18 part sugar,
dash of water.
If you sip it and don't get instant diabetes,
well, motherfucker that ain't Koolaid,
you made Gatorade.
And, ay, ay ay, for your information,
every nigga know the flavor ain't fruit punch,
The flavor is...
Red!"
So finally, I caved in,
and I gave him a nigga pass.
I gave him a nigga pass,
cause I knew him my whole life.
And I knew if we had beef with other brothers
he was gonna have my back.
And I love him like a brother,
so I was like, listen,
you keep this between me and you.
See, because a nigga pass is regional.
You do not get a universal nigga pass.
You gotta get your nigga passport stamp,
every new black person you meet,
they gotta stamp it with approval.
So what I'm saying is you can say nigga around your niggas,
but if you think you going go around some new niggas
and say nigga?
Nigga.
- It kinda was like that with me,
cause one of the natives came over and goes,
"Hello? Really enjoyed your show,
thank you for coming."
I thought he was fuckin' with me.
I said "How!"
And he says "What?"
And I'm like, "nothing."
I was joking.
But they were good dudes, right?
And they, they were cool.
And we, we hung out,
and then later on that night went
to an after hours bar, which was really
like a double wide trailer on, on the reservation.
Come on, man.
I'm just telling y'all the story.
Whoa, easy.
Right? But, like, all that day we've been
taking pictures of stuff on Instagram, Facebook, you know?
And I'm like, yo I'm, I'm in Arctic circle
with Indians, Indians this, right.
And nobody ever said nothing.
But then we about to go and hang out with the, the people.
And my man says, "my friend, we are the indigenous people.
We are the natives of this land.
We do not refer to ourselves as Indians.
Do I make myself clear?"
And I was like, "yeah man, yeah."
Cause it'd been a bad time to go fuck you, Indian.
And he didn't - this gonna be funny at home,
listen.
Right here, we all PC, like I won't know,
But, uh,
he didn't do it in front of everybody just did it to me.
You know, man to man, I'm like, okay,
I can respect that, right?
And then we go into this, this nightclub, right?
This after hours bar, number of Native Americans,
everybody Native American,
hey they're having a good time partying and shit, you know?
Okay, okay. Listen.
No, I'm just. No, I'm just doing that 'cause I-
I'm trying to make my show funny.
But check it out, right,
We walk in and across room,
it's this dude at the bar and he turns around,
he sees us walk in and he look at the big dude
who had just gave me the little speech, right,
and he goes, "Hey! Who's your favorite
fucking Indian."
And I step back, and go "he gonna fuck you up."
Right, and my man went through,
he went through the crowd,
went over there to him and grabbed him, picked him up
and goes, "I'm your favorite fucking Indian."
And then they hug each other, they started doing shots,
and looking around room everyone's like
"what's up Indian," "How you doing Indian?"
Right? And I was like, what?
'Cause I was thinking,
this some selfish shit.
So you mean to tell me these people got a word
they can call each other,
but ain't nobody else
allowed to use it.
I was like, I ain't never heard
no shit like this in my life.
But it felt good to be white for a little bit, but -
- Because you do understand the concept
that is certain shit you just can't say
to certain people,
you only get confused with the word "Nigga."
For example, you don't call your mother
by her first name, unless you're a fucking weirdo.
Right? Only the weird kids did that where I'm from.
Right?
Sir, what is your mother's name?
- Eileen.
Eileen.
Do you call her Eileen to her face?
No, not at all.
But that doesn't make sense,
that's her name, is it not?
Other people call her Eileen?
- Yes.
- It's definitely in a few songs.
Right?
I don't mean to,
I don't mean for you to, uh, feel picked on, sir.
Sir. What is your mother's name?
- Christina.
Christina.
You call her Christina?
- Fuckin' no.
Right? And that doesn't make sense.
That's her name.
- No, sir.
- It ends with a, a, not a ER.
But you don't fucking call her that.
Right? That's -
Okay.
One, one last one.
Sir, what is your mother's first name?
- Carol.
Do you call her nigga ever?
No.
See how easy it is not to say nigga, people?
Thank you.