I want to start by talking about
this very unique experience I just had.
My wife, Liza, wrote a play called, "Apostrophe,"
and she got a production of it up on Whidbey Island
which was really fun.
The play's terrific.
The cast is amazing, really proud of my wife.
One of the cool things is it's a very small town.
And I was wandering around this small town,
and I immediately started to get to know everybody,
because I stick out a little bit.
(Sona and Matt laugh)
So it starts with just people in town saying, "Hi,"
and then I go to sit down at one point,
and I'm there, not very long,
when the Police Chief walks by,
this very nice, very cool guy, Chief Tavier Wasser.
I meet him. We start chatting. Lovely guy.
We strike up a friendship.
The next thing I know he's saying,
"Would you like to meet the Mayor?"
What?
And I said, "Yeah, I'd like to meet the Mayor, sure."
The answer to "Do you wanna meet the Mayor?" is, yes.
Yeah. I wanna meet the Mayor.
So I say, "Yes, I wanna meet the mayor."
And he says, "Great."
And then we exchange numbers.
Then I'm texting the Police Chief back and forth
and also thinking,
I've got a 'get outta jail free' card right now.
Yeah, I was just thinking that, so you could speed.
Oh, I stole things.
(Sona laughing) It was a crime spree.
Did you do a little murder?
Maybe there was a little murder.
You don't have to say, you don't have to say.
A little.
Let's just say, I dabbled in murder.
Okay. (Sona laughing)
I dipped my toe in murder. All right.
Anyway, we're back and forth, and then he says,
"Yeah, come on by the City Hall at 2:00."
I'm walking around,
and then it starts to get to be near 2:00,
and I'm with my daughter,
and then I'm thinking, where's the City Hall?
And someone comes rushing out of their store and they go,
"Oh, hi Conan, I'm headed over to your ceremony."
Oh. What?
And I'm like, "Ceremony?"
I said, "Do you know where City Hall is?"
And she says, "Yeah, everything is one block away
"from everything else, it's right there."
So we go over and sure enough, they've planned...
I get a tour, Police Chief introduces me to the Mayor,
and then we get shown through the City Hall.
People are incredibly nice,
and then they have a crowd out behind City Hall,
and they have an impromptu ceremony,
and they dedicate a trash can to me.
(laughing) What? Yes.
Wait, I'm the talking trash can here.
I know.
This is highway robbery. Yeah.
Yeah, and so there's a trashcan there,
and they very quickly, the Mayor had a speech.
(laughing) What?
That he found someone in town to write for him,
and then I met the kid who wrote the speech, and I said-
(laughing) The kid.
So, he looked like he was about 19.
He was wearing a little bow tie, and I said,
"So you work for the Mayor?"
And he went, "Oh no, the Mayor just saw me
"buying a cappuccino and said,
"'I need a speech for Conan O'Brien induction
"'into the Trash Can Hall of Fame.'"
Is that an honor?
Yeah, you know, I think the thing to do
is to just say, "Yes, it is."
Okay, okay.
So, they quickly, I mean, it's kind of a joke,
but they just put a sign on it that said, "The Conan Can."
(Sona and Matt laugh)
Now Mike Sweeney, who used to,
he and his lovely wife, Cynthia,
they both flew up to see this play.
Oh, that's nice.
Because they're tight with Liza as well.
And so, they came up, and Mike Sweeney is the writer
sort of lead field guy,
who has done all of the Conan travel shows.
Yeah.
So Mike Sweeney hears that I'm doing this,
and he rushes over from his Airbnb, and he's like,
"Okay, I've got some jokes for you.
"I've got some things you could do, and I'm gonna shoot it."
And then he's shooting it wildly with his iPhone.
I think, hey, our travel shows are back!
(laughing) What?
After two and a half years of COVID, we're back! I'm on-
(laughing) This is your return?
(Sona and Matt laughing)
I'm on Whidbey Island with the Mayor,
and it's totally something we would've done
in one of our travel shows,
completely something we would've done.
We would like to dedicate this trash can
that has long served our community
to a person that embodies civil service
(crowd laughing)
nearly as much as the trash can itself.
The city of Langley has long been looking for a person
to dedicate this icon of civil service to,
and when we heard that Conan O'Brien
had decided to visit our humble retirement community
in celebration of his own retirement-
(crowd laughing)
So, we have that experience,
and they ask me to sign the trash can.
They give me a Sharpie, so I drew a little Conan,
and I write, 'What an honor!'
And then I sign it and date it, and it's an actual trash can
that's gonna be there at Whidbey Island
for their foreseeable future,
until they honor the next person who comes to town.
(Matt laughing)
But I had that experience,
and I thought, this is really fantastic.
And then I'm feeling kind of full of myself
and just 'cause it's a big experience, a heavy experience.
And I'm also just a little dazed, like we flew up there.
I didn't get much sleep. My wife's got this play.
I'm gonna go see that in about an hour.
And I'm a little just off kilter,
and I'm walking down the street,
and these two guys, these two kids, see me.
They look like maybe 19.
And one of them turns around and goes,
"Whoa, Conan O'Brien!"
And I said, "Oh, hey guys."
And they're like, "Wow, we heard you were in town.
"We didn't believe it. This is crazy!"
And I went, "Yeah, well, nice talking to you."
And they're like, "Nice talking to you too."
And then I wanted to say something afterwards,
and I don't know why I said this,
but I wrote it down in my journal.
I wrote, 'Have some good time.'
Oh no!
Oh man. I wrote it down.
Have some good time.
They must have thought some imposter Conan O'Brien
had come to the island where it's like,
we couldn't afford the real Conan O'Brien,
so they sent you. We got this guy.
I think you were desperate
to find something to say to them-
And I didn't have it.
And you didn't have it! I didn't have it.
And I remember just turning around and going,
"Have some good time!"
(Matt and Sona laughing) Oh, Jesus.
And then I turned back and I'm walking,
and I turned to my daughter, and I said,
"Have some good time?"
Was she embarrassed?
She just shook her head like, that was not good.
You were up there, too. You were doing really great.
No, I was killing it. I had Chief Wasser on my speed dial.
Mayor, I'm elevated to the point
where I get my own trash can.
Yeah, you've peaked, you've peaked.
I peaked, and then I had it,
and I was walking away from these kids,
and I shout out, "Have some good time."
That's because- And it's over now.
Yeah, because you peaked at the trash can,
and it's downhill from there.
It's also you're... I get this.
You're so desperate, not you, but in general people are-
One is so desperate, not me.
I think he's pretty desperate.
People are very desperate
to make teenagers think they're cool,
and they thought you were cool.
You had them. I had it, I had it.
And then you said, "Have some good time,"
and then they were like, "Oh, we thought he was cool."
But you know what it reminded me of?
You know when you're in a country, China or Korea or Japan,
they do that thing where they use English words,
but it doesn't quite make sense.
Yeah. (Sona laughing)
Like, hurray good fun noodles, you know, you'll see that.
I made one of those.
I speak English, and I was born here,
and I said, "Have some good time."
You turned into AI Conan. It was AI Conan, yeah.
(laughing) Oh man.
Anyway, I think the slogan
for "Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend"
should be, 'Have some good time.'
That's a great slogan, I like that.
Have some good time. Yeah, man.