- Rose, what do you think of Blanche saying these things?
- I think she's a garconanokin.
(audience laughs)
- Well, what exactly does that mean?
- Literally, it's the precise moment
when dog doo turns white.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat music)
- Oh, hello.
We have a two o'clock appointment with Dr. Ashley,
the name is Zbornak.
- My name's not Zbornak.
My name is Devereaux.
- Yes, but the appointment is in the name of Zbornak.
- Why is the appointment in your name?
It was my idea to get counseling.
- Fine, fine, take the appointment for Zbornak
and change it to Nylund.
You satisfied?
- No, the appointment should be under Devereaux.
- The appointment should be under Nylund!
- Change it back to Zbornak.
- Put it under Lipschitz and buzz the head shrinker.
We've got an emergency here.
(audience laughs)
- Excuse me, ladies, I'm Dr. Ashley.
Won't you come into my office?
- I'm Sophia Petrillo, and my idea of a good psychiatrist
is a bartender who pours without a spout.
(audience laughs)
- Doctor, I'm Dorothy Zbornak.
- Dorothy.
- I'm Rose Nylund.
- Rose.
- I'm Blanche Devereaux and I know it's not pertinent
at the moment, but I'm double-jointed.
(audience laughs)
- That's very interesting.
- Dr. Ashley, the reason we came to the counseling center
is that we're roommates, and we've been having
problems at home that we need to work out.
- Before we get to the nitty gritty,
why don't you all tell me a little bit about yourselves?
- Fine, I'm a teacher, I'm divorced.
- I am a widow.
No man would leave me unless he absolutely had to.
(audience laughs)
I'm 41 years old, I'm five six,
I weigh 108 pounds, and my hair is its natural hue.
- Sure, Blanche, yours and Lucy's.
(audience laughs)
- What about you, Rose?
- Well, to be perfectly honest, I use a touch of peroxide.
(audience laughs)
- Shut up, Rose.
- You shut up!
- Now stop it, stop it!
I cannot stand it anymore.
- You know what I can't stand anymore?
That phony accent of yours.
What is this, "Designing Women?"
(audience laughs)
- Doctor, we have been together for five years,
and we're just getting on each others' nerves.
- Why, why is that?
- Because Dorothy is impossible to live with.
- That's right!
- The real problem is you, Blanche.
You are selfish.
- Oh please, everybody says what a giving person I am.
- She's talking about when you're in an upright position.
(audience laughs)
- Blanche, I think you owe Dorothy an apology.
- Oh, shut up, Rose.
- Don't you tell me to shut up!
- Okay, I will, shut up, Rose.
(audience laughs)
- Doctor, you see the way they always pick on me?
They're always telling me to shut up.
Why is that?
- Well, it could be-
- I mean, every time I open my mouth to express an opinion-
- Rose?
- They jump on me.
I mean, they say I babble.
I don't babble.
I mean, people who babble are the ones-
- Shut up, Rose.
(audience laughs)
I mean, I think things would be more productive
if we conducted things in a more orderly fashion.
- But you see what we have to put up with.
She's an airhead.
- Oh yeah, well you're a barbel.
- That's a dumbbell, you twit!
(audience laughs)
- Ladies, ladies, please calm down.
Now, who can give us an example
that will illustrate exactly
what you're trying to say about Rose?
- If you mean that she's an idiot,
I've got the perfect example.
Dorothy was on her summer vacation,
looking for a part-time job.
So she asks Rose to put her ad in the classifieds.
- I know it didn't turn out so well,
but it was an honest mistake.
Besides, something good came out of it.
We learned to make souvlaki.
(audience laughs)
- The point is, Rose,
you do this kind of stupid thing all the time.
And if you're not doing something stupid,
you're saying something stupid,
or wearing something stupid,
or cooking something stupid.
(audience laughs)
- Rose, what do you think of Blanche saying these things?
- I think she's a garconanokin.
(audience laughs)
- Well, what exactly does that mean?
- Literally, it's the precise moment
when dog doo turns white.
(audience laughs)
(audience applauds)
But in general, it refers to the kind of person
you don't wanna share your hoogencoggles with.
(audience laughs)
- Rose, if you say one more
of those stupid words, so help me-
- Oh, blow it out your tubenburbles!
(audience laughs)
(women shouting)
(pleasant music)
- Dorothy was perfectly reasonable.
You were pestering her, she was more than patient.
- Exactly, and I've had it up to here with her.
- It's not easy living with somebody
who's always so together.
She's so efficient, so organized.
She even balances her checkbook.
(audience laughs)
- Since when is competence a crime?
- Look, Dorothy cannot be blamed for being capable.
- Well, she doesn't have to lord it over us.
And criticize us for not living up to her standards.
- She's always harping on us to do everything just right.
I'm surprised she doesn't check our underwear
before we leave the house.
(audience laughs)
- Those of you who wear underwear.
(audience laughs)
(audience applauds)
Maybe I am a perfectionist, and maybe I do take charge,
but doctor, if I did not,
our whole household would fall apart.
- To tell you the truth, doctor,
I'm the glue that keeps these women together,
and I am totally unappreciated.
- Oh, Ma, please.
- Look, you may be smart, but I'm wise.
When it comes to a real problem,
I'm the one who has to set it straight,
whether I want to or not.
- In my experience, most domestic problems
can usually be resolved
through a willingness to cooperate and some hard work.
- Oh, so you're saying that if we become
more tolerant of each other, we can work things out?
- In your case, there's really no point.
You are totally incompatible.
- What?
- You are incompatible.
You seem to bring out the worst traits in each other.
I'm surprised that you were able to live together this long
without killing each other.
- But, Dr. Ashley, we came her for you to help us.
- Ladies, I like you.
Save your money for the moving expenses.
(audience laughs)
(Dorothy sighs)
- Well, thank you, doctor.
It was difficult to hear, but,
you're probably right.
- I knew you were a quack.
If you were a legitimate shrink,
you would've strung us along for months.
(audience laughs)
(pleasant music)
(crickets chirping)
- Well then I guess tomorrow morning,
we can start to pack, can't we?
- Yeah, I guess so.
That's probably the best thing.
Dr. Ashley was right, wasn't he?
- Oh, absolutely.
Course I, it doesn't mean we can't still be friends.
You know, we'll,
we'll visit each other.
It's just that we can't live together, right?
- What's goin' on?
- Oh, we were just discussing going our separate ways.
- Interesting.
- You think that's what we should do?
- I didn't say that.
- Then you think we should stay together?
- I didn't say that, either.
- What do you think we should do?
- It's not for me to say.
(audience laughs)
But I'll tell you a story.
Picture it, Miami, 1987.
A house, the only one in the neighborhood without a pool.
(audience laughs)
But I digress.
Four women friends.
They laugh, they cry, they eat.
They love, they hate, they eat.
They dream, they hope, they eat.
Every time you turn around, they eat.
(audience laughs)
- Sophia, are those four women us?
- Look in the mirror, blubber butt.
(audience laughs)
The point I'm trying to make is
what's going on here is living.
Just because you have some rough times
doesn't mean you throw in the towel.
You go on living,
and eating.
(audience laughs)
- I'll get the cheesecake.
(audience laughs)
- I'll get the whipped cream.
- I'll get the chocolate syrup.
- I'll get the Polaroid.
This is a time to remember.
(audience laughs)
- Ma, you don't have a Polaroid.
- I'll get mine, it's under my bed.
I have to go in there for the whipped cream, anyway.
(audience laughs) (audience applauds)
(pleasant music)