WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
ABOUT RUSSIA'S INVASION OF UKRAINE,EXCEPT FOR LAST NIGHT,
WHEN WE TOOK A BRIEF BREAK TO TALK ABOUT THE PRESIDENT TALKING
ABOUT RUSSIA'S INVASION OF UKRAINE.
LAST NIGHT, WE WERE LIVE.
SO TONIGHT, I'M DEAD INSIDE.
BUT I'M GLAD WE PUT EFFORT TO NTO MAKE THE LIVE SHOW.
BECAUSE IT WAS A PRETTY GOOD NIGHT FOR THE PRESIDENT, UNLIKE
FOR SOME OF HIS CRITICS.
YOU SEE, THE D.C. AREA WAS PUT ON HIGH ALERT AFTER A GROUP OF
TRUCKERS THREATENED TO SWARM INTO THE CAPITAL TO PROTEST
BIDEN'S SPEECH AND VACCINE MANDATES THE WAY THEY HAD IN
CANADA.
ORGANIZERS ESTIMATED THERE WOULD BE UPWARDS OF 3,000 ATTENDEES.
BUT BY THE TIME BIDEN'S SPEECH BEGAN, ONLY 12 RALLY-GOERS HAD
ACTUALLY ASSEMBLED.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
12.
AND MOST OF THEM JUST WANTED TO SEE TRUCKERS SO THEY COULD DO
THIS.
( HORN HONKING ) TAKE A LOOK AT HOW EMPTY THIS
RALLY WAS.
( LAUGHTER )
THROUGH THE PLACE, IF ANY HAD SHOWN UP.
PART OF THE PROBLEM MIGHT HAVE BEEN THE RALLY'S ORGANIZER,
FORMER M.M.A. FIGHTER AND AUTHORITARIAN WIGGLE, KYLE
SEFCIK.
TAKE A LOOK AT THIS VIDEO SEFCIK RELEASED OF HIS OWN STIRRING
WORDS: >> ALL RIGHT, YOU GUYS, THANKS
FOR BEING HERE TODAY, ALL RIGHT.
SO, FEW REASONS WE'RE HERE TODAY.
>> Stephen: (AS SEFCIK) "THE FIRST BEING THAT MANY OF
YOU ARE LOST ON YOUR WAY TO THE AIR AND SPACE MUSEUM.
( LAUGHTER )
TO PICK UP TRASH IN THIS PARKING LOT.
AND THE REST ARE OUR MOMS WHO ARE DRIVING US HOME."
( LAUGHTER )
THERE ARE 12 PEOPLE THERE.
YOU COULD JUST DO IT A.S.M.R.
( WHISPERING ) HEY, EVERYBODY.
HI.
DESPITE CRIPPLING FINANCIAL SANCTIONS AND RUSSIAN DRESSING
BEING PULLED FROM THE SHELVES OF YOUR LOCAL KROGER, THE INVASION
OF UKRAINE CONTINUES.
RUSSIAN FORCES HAVE CAPTURED THEIR FIRST CITY AND INTENSIFIED
THEIR CRIMINAL ATTACKS ON THE DEFENSELESS CIVILIAN POPULATION.
BUT FIERCE UKRAINIAN RESISTANCE CONTINUES TO DENY THE KREMLIN
THE EASY VICTORY IT HAD ANTICIPATED.
IN FACT--
IN FACT, A RUSSIAN MILITARY CONVOY STRETCHING 40 MILES LONG
ON A ROADWAY NORTH OF KYIV APPEARS TO HAVE BOGGED DOWN.
SO YOU KNOW THOSE TROOPS MUST BE BORED AS HELL.
( RUSSIAN ACCENT )
SOMETHING THAT START WITH 'T.'" "IS TANK?"
( LAUGHTER )
IS ALWAYS TANK."
( LAUGHTER )
FACING FUEL AND FOOD SHORTAGES, AND ARE GRIPPED BY LOMORAL,
LEADING SOME TO SURRENDER EN MASSE.
EVIDENTLY, THE RUSSIAN MARINES' SLOGAN IS "SEMPER-BYEEEEEE."
AND ON THEIR WAY OUT, THEY'RE NOT PICKING UP AFTER THEMSELVES.
TAKE A LOOK AT THIS VIDEO OF UKRAINIAN TROOPS FINDING
ABANDONED RUSSIAN ARMORED VEHICLES.
SOUNDS LIKE A GREAT OPPORTUNITY FOR UKRAINE'S NUMBER ONE
AUTOMOTIVE CHARITY: 1-877-TANKS-FOR-TOTS.
♪ DONATE YOUR TANK TODAY ♪
AND THERE'S GOOD NEWS FOR EVERYDAY UKRAINIANS LOOKING TO
PICK UP A CERTIFIED PRE-OWNED VEHICLE: THE UKRAINE GOVERNMENT
SAYS CITIZENS DON'T NEED TO DECLARE CAPTURED RUSSIAN TANKS
AND MILITARY EQUIPMENT FOR TAX PURPOSES.
WELL, THAT IS GREAT NEWS, BECAUSE WE'VE ALL BEEN THERE.
YOU COME ACROSS AN ABANDONED RUSSIAN T-72B3 TANK, AND YOUR
FIRST THOUGHT IS, "HOW IS THIS GOING TO IMPACT MY TAXABLE
INCOME?"
THAT, THAT, MY FRIENDS--
THAT'S WHEN YOU CALL THE ROGUE MILITARY TAX ACCOUNTANTS AT THE
C.P.A.-TEAM.
I PITY THE FOOL WHO DOESN'T ITEMIZE HIS DEDUCTIONS!
GOTTA WORK ON MY MR. "T."
IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME.
IT'S BEEN ABOUT 40 YEARS.
NOT EVERY RUSSIAN SOLDIER HAS WALKED AWAY.
ONE VIDEO BEING SHARED ON UKRAINIAN CHANNELS SHOWS A
CAPTURED RUSSIAN SOLDIER BEING GIVEN FOOD AND TEA AND BEING
ALLOWED TO FACE-TIME HIS MOM.
SNACKS AND A PARENTAL PHONE CALL?
THE UKRAINIANS ARE UNDER ATTACK, AND THEY'RE TREATING THEIR
INVADERS LIKE HOMESICK CAMPERS.
( AS CAMP COUNSELOR )
HOME, AND IT IS VERY SCARY.
WHY DON'T YOU GIVE ME YOUR GUN.
OKAY.
YOU TAKE THIS YARN AND GO MAKE AN INVASION BRACELET OVER THERE.
DMITRI STARTED ONE.
GO HANG OUT WITH DMITRI OVER THERE.
YOU GUYS ARE BOTH RUSSIAN."
( APPLAUSE )
DEFIANT, LIKE THIS GRANDMA WHO SPOKE TO CNN:
>> "LET THOSE RUSSIAN (BLEEP) COME HERE," SHE SAYS.
"WE ARE READY TO GREET THEM.
HOW DID YOU LEARN HOW TO MAKE MOLOTOV COCKTAILS?
"GOOGLE HELPED," SHE TELLS ME.
YOU GOOGLED IT?
"OF COURSE," SHE SAYS.
>> Stephen: UGH, GOOGLING MOLOTOV COCKTAIL RECIPES IS
ALWAYS SUCH A PAIN, BECAUSE FIRST YOU HAVE TO SCROLL THROUGH
A WHOLE BLOG POST.
"AS A BUSY MOM, IT CAN BE TOUGH TO FIND AN EXPLOSIVES RECIPE
THAT WORKS FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY.
BY THE TIME I GET KAYLEIGH AND BRAXTON HOME FROM SOCCER
PRACTICE, I JUST WANT A 30-MINUTE WAY TO VANQUISH THE
ARMIES OF DARKNESS.
THANK GOODNESS FOR MY COSORI AIR FRYER."
THEN THERE'S THIS WOMAN FROM THE CITY OF KONOTOP-- AM I SAILING
THAT RIGHT-- FROM KONOTOP, WHO CURSED THE RUSSIANS, LITERALLY.
>> ( translated):
IT'S KONOTOP.
HERE EVERY SECOND WOMAN IS A WITCH.
TOMORROW, YOU'LL NO LONGER BE ABLE TO GET YOUR PENIS TO
STAND."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: OH!
>> Stephen: OH!
>> Jon: OH.
>> Stephen: OH!
>> Jon: OH!
>> Stephen: WOW, THE WICKED WITCH OF THE EASTERN BLOC.
I THINK WE HAVE SOME MORE FOOTAGE:
>> I'LL GET YOU, MY PRETTY, AND YOUR LITTLE DONG TOO!
>> Stephen: NEARLY THE ENTIRE WORLD HAS UNITED IN ITS
CONCHEMINATION OF RUSSIA.
IN FACT, ONE OF THEIR LAST REMAINING ALLIES IS BELARUSIAN
STRONGMAN ALEXANDER LUKASHENKO, SEEN HERE DRESSED IN THE PUBES
OF OF HIS ENEMIES.
GOT SOME VERY OLD ENEMIES, EVIDENTLY.
( LAUGHTER )
LUKASHENKO MIGHT NOT BE THE SHARPEST TURNIP IN THE BASKET,
BECAUSE YESTERDAY, A REPORTER TWEETED OUT THIS PHOTO,
EXPLAINING THAT LUKASHENKO WAS ADDRESSING HIS SECURITY COUNCIL,
SHOWING PLANNED TROOP MOVEMENTS, INFRASTRUCTURE TARGETS, AND A
PLAN TO DIVIDE UKRAINE INTO FOUR PARTS.
THIS GUY IS WORSE THAN THE DUMBEST BOND VILLAIN.
( AS VILLAIN )
MISTER BOND, I HAVE DETAILED PLANS TO TAKE OVER UKRAINE.
PROMISE NOT TO MEMORIZE IT!
I WILL NOW LEAVE YOU TO A VERY SLOW AND UNSUPERVISED DEATH.
AND I WILL JUST LEAVE MY CELLPHONE RIGHT HERE."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
EVEN-- EVEN-- EVEN WORSE-- THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
EVEN WORSE--
THANKS.
I'M ANNUAL ACTOR.
EVEN WORSE, THE MAP SUGGESTS THAT PUTIN IS CONSIDERING AN
ATTACK ON MOLDOVA.
THAT'S RIGHT.
AN INVASION OF MOLDOVA IS BEING, "MULLED OVA."
NOTHING, JOE.
THANK YOU.
I WAS LAYING BETS DOWNSTAIRS IF YOU WERE GOING TO DO THAT.
OKAY.
THE SANCTIONS CONTINUE TO RAIN PAIN.
VISA AND MASTERCARD HAVE BLOCKED RUSSIAN BANKS FROM THEIR
NETWORKS.
THAT EXPLAINS THEIR NEW SLOGAN: "VISA, IT'S EVERYWHERE YOU WANT
TO BE, BECAUSE YOU DON'T WANT TO BE IN RUSSIA."
IN HIS--
THIS IS OLD SCHOOL.
THIS IS 1981 OUT HERE.
IN HIS SPEECH LAST NIGHT, BIDEN TOOK THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO
PUTIN'S CRONIES: >> THE UNITED STATES DEPARTMENT
OF JUSTICE IS ASSEMBLING A DEDICATED TASK FORCE TO GO AFTER
THE CRIMES OF THE RUSSIAN OLIGARCHS.
WE ARE JOINING WITH EUROPEAN ALLIES TO FIND AND SEIZE THEIR
YACHTS.
>> Stephen: YOU HEARIA, OLIGARCHS?
THE FEDS ARE LOOKING FOR YOUR LUXURY SHIPS.
THEY'VE MADE A GAME OF IT: "YACHT-SEE."
TURNS OUT
NO, I DON'T WANT YOUR PITY RIM SHOTS.
TURNS OUT, THERE'S A LITTLE SECTION OF THE CONSTITUTION THAT
ALLOWS CONGRESS TO GRANT LETTERS OF MARQUE AND REPRISAL AND MAKE
RULES CONCERNING CAPTURES ON LAND AND WATER, WHICH MEANS THE
GOVERNMENT CAN EMPOWER PRIVATE INDIVIDUALS TO LEGALLY SEIZE
FOREIGN VESSELS.
AND THERE'S NO BETTER PRIVATE INDIVIDUAL FOR THIS JOB THAN.
"DOG THE BOATY HUNTER."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THANK YOU.
IT'S A LONG SWIM.
A LONG SWIM RIGHT THERE.
IN ORDER TO GET AROUND PUTIN'S INTERNET CENSORSHIP AT HOME,
PEOPLE AROUND THE WORLD ARE LETTING RUSSIANS KNOW THE TRUE
NATURE OF THIS WAR BY POSTING GOOGLE REVIEWS FOR RESTAURANTS
IN MOSCOW AND ST. PETERSBURG WITH THE INFORMATION ABOUT THE
EVENTS UNFOLDING IN UKRAINE.
WITH MESSAGES LIKE, "YOUR PRESIDENT STARTED A WAR AGAINST
UKRAINE."
"YOUR GOVERNMENT IS LYING TO YOU."
"PLEASE STOP WAR AGAINST YOUR UKRAINIAN BROTHERS."
"GIVE PEACE A CHANCE."
AND, "THIS IS A NO-WIN SITUATION FOR ALL."
THAT LAST ONE IS ACTUALLY THE SLOGAN OF THE MOSCOW TACO BELL.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE ANDY SERKIS AND RUSSIA EXPERT FIONA HILL.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, I CELEBRATE A VERY IMPORTANT
ANNIVERSARY.
JOIN US, WON'T YOU?
♪ ♪ ♪