- I personally don't look at cheating, and in my work,
I don't look at cheating and think, that's the end.
♪ L-O-V-E ♪
Hi, my name is Omar Torres.
I'm a licensed clinical social worker here in New York,
and today we are going to answer the most Googled
questions about relationships.
What does a healthy relationship look like?
In my experience, some of the healthier aspects
of a relationship that I notice involve mutual respect,
two people that have similar interests,
but also separate lives.
So they have their own friends, they have their own hobbies,
they have their own interests, and they can share it
with their partner here and there, but it's not contingent
upon their partner being there.
What is an open relationship?
An open relationship is essentially
any non-monogamous relationship.
If you're considering an open relationship,
first and foremost, I would try and do a little bit
of research so there's a really great book called
The Ethical Slut, and honestly, this might sound
kind of boring or cliche, but open communication.
You have to talk about what the expectations are,
what the boundaries are.
Essentially, you just wanna keep those lines
of communication open, and it's gonna be
an ongoing conversation.
Jealousy in open relationships is common, totally healthy.
When those jealous feelings come up, the way you talk
about it with your partner is essential, right.
So, hey, I'm having these feelings.
They're really uncomfortable.
I could really use your support.
Can we chat about this thing that happened that's like
kicking up some stuff in me.
As opposed to what some people do when they feel
really jealous is that they think, I'm not allowed
to have this feeling, so they keep it inside,
and that tends to fester.
Sometimes resentment can grow from that.
Some folks are able to have sex with another individual
and not have it impact the romantic relationship.
And others have a really difficult time doing that.
And it's something that could work for some couples
and may not for others.
That's why the ongoing conversations are so important,
and it's also really important for you to know for yourself
what sex means to you, and to know what sex means
for your partner.
What is a poly relationship?
Poly relationships refer to more than just two individuals
in a romantic relationship.
So you may often hear the term "throuple."
What I've found in poly relationships that are successful
is that there tends to be a structure in place already.
There might be one partner that sort of
fulfills you sexually, and another partner
that fulfills you intellectually, and so on and so forth.
So everyone sort of like has a role.
How to build trust in a relationship.
For some people, building trust means
spending time together, having experiences together.
I also find that any kind of relationship that goes
through like a problem or like an issue where they have
to work together as a team,
that can be a really bonding experience.
So for individuals that have a history of being cheated on,
you might feel a little resistant or hesitant to jump
into a relationship and just trust them fully.
So, first and foremost, go to therapy.
And talk about the experience of betrayal,
and make sure that you feel fully healed and sort of
on the other end of all that pain and betrayal,
'cause that's a lot, that's a lot to go through.
So that way you can enter into the new relationship,
not necessarily giving them all of your trust right away,
but allowing them to work for that trust.
I will say that I have seen relationships recover
beautifully from cheating and from affairs,
so I personally don't look at cheating, and in my work,
I don't look at cheating and think, that's the end, right.
That's that.
The affair is seen as a symptom of a larger issue that
needs to be addressed.
How to make a long distance relationship work.
When it comes to long distance relationships,
you have to be mindful of how you're investing
in that relationship, right.
So how often are you speaking?
Are you emailing?
Are you texting?
Are you face timing?
Another really good strategy that I find
for long distance relationships is to plan anywhere
between three to six months out in advance
what the travel plans will be.
Putting that on a calendar will give the two of you
something to look forward to.
How do you know when your relationship is over?
If you really don't feel strongly one way or the other
about the relationship or about your partner,
that is definitely a sign that something's up.
And it may mean that you need to re-negotiate the terms
of the relationship, or that the relationship
maybe isn't right for you anymore or at that time.
What I've also noticed is that folks that feel like
the relationship is ending will often think
about future plans, but without their partner.
How to get over a relationship.
First and foremost, it's recognizing that
this sort of thing takes time.
Allow yourself to be sad.
There's nothing wrong with being sad and upset
after a relationship.
Remember things like, oh yeah, they used to like
never show up for me, or oh yeah, they lied all the time.
So to sort of go over the things that weren't so great
about the relationship.
And then finally, to think about things that have nothing
to do with the relationship.
Take up a hobby, spend time with friends.
This isn't something that happens over night.
This isn't something that, you know, it doesn't necessarily
take a couple of weeks, or maybe even a couple of months.
It's a case by case.
Should I get back together with my ex?
Some of the things that you want to be mindful of
is time apart.
You know, was there enough time between the break-up and now
that allowed for the two of you to learn and grow
and heal from the past pain.
Or is it gonna feel like a continuation of the same?
And if it is a continuation of the same,
then you're probably gonna run
into the same issues obviously.
So I hope you all found that helpful,
and I hope some of the answers I gave you provided a little
bit of insight, or a little bit of hope, or inspiration.
And barring anything extreme, I am a firm believer that
there isn't anything that a relationship can't recover from
if everyone involved agrees to work together,
and to do the work.
(upbeat music)