- INFP, why are you still single, man?
Well, Frank, that's why I clicked on this video.
I was hoping you would tell me.
You might also be like, Frank, there are many reasons.
How can you limit it to 10?
These 10, while they may not be all of them exclusive
to INFPs and while you as an INFP may not be struggling
with all of them, I think these 10 represent
what an INFP in general is most likely to be dealing with.
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Reason number one you're still single, INFP,
is you want a deep love.
Frank, is that it?
Are you saying I should get rid
of my desire for a deep love?
Come on, man.
No, the real problem is you want a deep love
and you're impatient to get it.
Here's a word that might upset some of you,
but let's be realistic when we're going into dating.
You're not going to necessarily feel a huge emotional rush
and the deep connection right away,
and INFPs really want the deep connection with people.
They don't do things halfway, right?
So it can be a little discouraging when you're
in the dating scene or even if you haven't
even started dating, if you're just looking at a dating site
and you see all these people and you're like,
how am I ever gonna create a connection with this?
Or I've gone on a date with this person
and didn't really feel much, but the thing is early stages
of dating, you're not gonna feel that much.
It's not gonna be that deep.
What you're doing in the early stages
of stuff is you're just getting to know people.
You're just meeting them to see is there a potential
for that deep connection later?
INFPs are very romantic people.
They want to be swept off their feet,
but sometimes you've gotta wait a while.
You know, you've gotta let things simmer.
There's gotta be that slow development before you can get
to the place where love just naturally emerges.
The next thing is you don't show enough of yourself,
and this is because INFPs are introverted feelers.
I'm gonna be bringing up that term a lot.
Introverted feelers feel very deeply, like I mentioned
in the last point, but they don't really show it.
They don't feel the obligation to show what they're feeling,
and so a lot of INFPs just kind of like always look baseline
like nothing's going on, and part
of that is also not verbalizing what's going on inside,
and that can make it difficult for people to connect
with you, just on any level, but especially a romantic level
and I'm not saying on the first date be like,
I think I love you.
I'm saying just expressing just generally
what you're feeling.
Oh, I feel happy today.
It's great to see you.
Like I'm glad that we can get together.
Even at some point maybe being the first one to say,
I really like you, let's go out again, you know,
let's see where this thing goes.
Don't play the cards, your cards so close to the vest,
and I know it feels uncomfortable for INFPs to begin
to verbalize what's going on inside them,
but it's a good thing to start to do.
Even if it feels weird, it feels shallow maybe,
but you gotta play a little bit
of the fake extroverted feeling game just
to make the connection with people
to get them to relate more to you.
Number three is you're too worried
what other people think about you.
I think INFPs struggle with this mightily.
Everyone to a degree has some worry about judgment, right?
But the INFPs in particular have an amplified perception
of the spotlight effect which is where you feel
like everyone's always looking
at you way more than they are.
To be honest, most people don't care about anyone
but themselves, but INFPs think it's,
like I said, amplified.
Everyone's really watching me, man, and when you get
into a situation like dating where the discomfort
of rejection is inherent to dating, the INFPs are gonna
be like, I don't know if I can handle that.
I don't want to be judged like that, but what you've got
to shift your mind into thinking is
that it's not so much about judging you.
It might seem like that, but it's really
about judging the connection.
Did we connect?
Do our puzzle pieces fit together?
Not everyone is a match.
Most people aren't matches with other people.
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Let me know what you thought about these 10 things.
Here's an interesting one for number four.
You don't ask enough questions.
I think INFPs are not naturally the kind of people
who are going to be leading a conversation in the way
of asking a bunch of questions trying to really dig
into the other person in a sense.
I think INFPs are just like,
I feel like that might annoy them.
I don't really necessarily want
to get them talking about all this stuff.
I'd rather the conversation be more free-flowing,
but people like it when you ask direct questions about them,
about what they think, what they feel,
about their experiences with certain things,
and INFPs need to force themselves to do a bit more
of that because when you don't ask questions,
it feels like you don't care.
It feels like you're not invested.
It feels like you have no interest, and so you just need to,
even if it might seem a little silly,
a little bit too superficial,
it's really just about expressing interest.
Just showing I value what's going on in your brain
and in your heart, and I want to hear you verbalize it.
Number five, this might be painful,
but you can't move on from a past relationship
or a fantasy of the perfect relationship.
Now, what's the commonality between those two things?
It's that neither are real.
Well, Frank, I had a past relationship
and it was great, but it ended.
Yeah, but it doesn't actually exist anymore
and the thoughts in your head, your memories of it,
the feelings that you thought you felt
oftentimes aren't actually accurate
and maybe if you went back in time, you would be reminded
of, oh yeah, it was maybe a bit more run-of-the-mill.
There were lows, not just highs because sometimes I think
in general, everyone can edit out the bad stuff
that happened in a previous relationship
and just remember the good times and you forget
how actually there were times where you were like, man,
I'm tired of this crap, and with a fantasy,
that's even less real 'cause it's never even happened
and your expectations of a relationship shouldn't be based
on other relationships.
Every relationship is different, especially don't base it
on an imaginary relationship.
It's really about letting go of that
and getting into what I like to call reality.
For NF types in general, reality is not a strong suit,
INFPs not excluded from that.
So focus more on what are the facts?
What's right in front of me?
Who is this person that I am talking to right now?
What do they have on the table?
Don't compare it with other people,
other relationships, et cetera.
Here's another one.
Number six is you're too quick to reject people
because INFPs with the introverted feeling,
introverted feeling is basically a compass
for what do I think is good or bad?
What do I like or not like?
And so I think INFPs are very fast to just be like,
nope, don't like that person.
15 minutes into a first date,
you're like, I've made up my mind.
My internal compass is telling me I don't like this person
that much, and yeah, there are times where you get
on a date, especially if you met them on a dating site
and they don't look like their picture, et cetera,
there are times when you meet someone
and within three seconds, you know this ain't right,
but there are dates that are just kind of blah.
You're like, they're a nice person,
but I'm not feeling the highs yet.
Just give them another chance.
Like give it time to develop.
Don't always assume you know exactly what you're gonna like
because I think you could be surprised
if you just open your mind a little bit to, oh,
I might like these other kind of people.
If I give this person another chance, maybe they're nervous,
maybe they're just having a bad day,
maybe they're not stepping off with the right foot forward.
Giving them another chance to see
if you can develop feelings for someone over time.
Give it time.
Number seven, when people suggest things to you,
maybe a different way of going about dating,
maybe a different kind of person to date, maybe they say,
oh, you got a bad attitude, maybe they point out some
of these things that I've said already,
maybe I'm secretly proving this right now,
you don't want to take other people's advice.
You're just like, nah, I know what's going on.
I know myself.
INFPs, that's their strong suit is
that they know themselves really well
and that can lead them sometimes to be overconfident
in their opinions about things.
So when people come to you with dating advice
or even just like, hey, I think you might be good going out
with my friend over here, my friend Billy,
your inclination might be to be like, no,
I know what's best, but maybe try to dial that back a bit
and be like, okay, what this person is saying sounds
like it's dumb, but let me just try it out.
What's there to lose?
INFPs are great listeners except
when it's like someone trying to give them advice,
and then they sort of just like turn that off.
Number eight, you get real down on yourself.
The INFPs, when they get down on themselves,
they're like, ah, I'm never gonna find anyone.
Maybe you think I'm no good, so on and so forth.
It's hard to pull yourself out of that.
It's even harder for other people to help you out.
INFPs a lot of times don't really respond
to other people trying to pull them out
of some kind of slump.
The INFPs have to do it for themselves
which makes them become protracted periods,
prolonged periods of being down on yourself,
maybe even throwing a pity party, being like,
I just can't find the one, I'm never gonna do it,
but the thing is you don't know what's gonna happen
five minutes from now, let alone the rest of your life.
So when you get down on yourself, you've gotta think
of what is my ultimate value here?
You know, INFPs love that kind of stuff.
What do I really want?
Is it a relationship?
Okay, well then me being down on myself is incongruent
with that, with what I really want,
with what my highest values are,
and so I need to turn it around.
I need to pull myself out of this slump.
I need to stop being down on myself and just do the work
to achieve what I want, to find what I want,
to be true to my values.
The other thing is if you go into a dating situation,
if you finally go on a date or you're trying to get a date,
you're approaching someone you like, if you are down
on yourself, you're gonna have this attitude of, well,
you know, who would want to go out on a date with me anyway?
You know, maybe you could even stumble
over your words like that too
to make yourself sound really erudite.
If you're down on yourself, people feel that.
You know, even if you're not trying to emote it,
your body language will just give away
that you just don't feel so confident
and people aren't attracted to that.
So build yourself up.
Maybe you need to take yourself,
just say, I'm not gonna date for a while.
I'm not even gonna think about it.
I'm just gonna work on building myself up, being confident
so that when I go out there into the dating world,
I can crush it because I don't care.
I don't need the validation from other people.
I don't need to worry about if they're gonna reject me
because I'm good, like I got it together.
It would be great for me to get a relationship like I want,
but I'm not gonna be down on myself.
Like get yourself out of the slump.
I've mentioned this a few times before for number nine is
that the INFPs, they want the romance,
they want to have the high emotional state,
they want to feel deeply, but they really don't like it
when they get into dating
and they realize it's kind of mundane.
Like you know, first dates can be a pain
'cause they're all just like small talk,
what's your family like, do you have a dog,
how do you take your coffee?
It can just feel like you're in Groundhog's Day,
the hit movie Groundhog's Day, right?
And INFPs are really averse to stuff like that.
INFPs don't like mundane things.
They really hate, they detest small talk.
INFPs are like, nah, we gotta have like a meaningful,
deep conversation, yo, but realize it's okay.
It's okay for things to be a bit mundane.
It's okay to set up some meh first dates
and just go with it.
Everything doesn't have to be instant connection.
If you think of it less like the stakes are high
'cause I've gotta meet my person
and if I don't see them right away, it's not gonna work.
Just be more like, I'm just getting to know people, right?
I'm just having a good time, enjoying my life,
asking them some questions so that I can get
to know how does their mind work?
And I'm just expressing myself, who I am.
All right, and last, number 10, and this is the same point
I had for the why INFJs are single,
you're weird, but that's okay.
I'm not even gonna say but, and that's okay.
All the NF types are a bit weird.
Everyone has their own weirdnesses, but the NF types
in particular, they just, they're cut from a different cloth
if you will, and rather than going to one extreme
and getting down on yourself to be like, oh man, I'm weird.
I gotta fake like I'm normal or going to the other extreme
which is like, I'm gonna be so weird
and if you can't handle it, F you, to be more like,
I just accept myself for who I am.
I'm a bit of a weirdo, but I'm gonna find someone one day
who either is also weird so they get it
and they don't even think of it as being weird or someone
who's maybe different from me, but they like that.
They're attracted to that.
They're my opposite and they've found the missing piece
of the puzzle in their life.
Sometimes we get down on ourselves.
We don't want to put ourselves out there just in general
in life because we think, I'm so out there.
I can't relate to other people.
The NF types, man, we're idealists.
The world can seem like such a drag.
Especially something that's supposed to be fun like dating,
when you really get into the reality of it,
you're like, oh crap.
It's okay to be weird.
It's okay to struggle a bit with reality.
It's okay to feel like other people maybe don't get you,
but you will find that person one day.
All the ding dongs that you have to go out with
and all the bad dates and all the text conversations
that fizzle out and don't go anywhere, it'll all be worth it
when you find that one person one day who accepts you
and your weird self and is like,
this is great, this is what I always wanted.
Once again, betterhelp.com/frankjames.
Thanks for watching.
Til next time, stay cool and attractive.