hello swedish potatoes what do trees
taylor swift and quarters have in common
they can all teach us a lot about the
most highly requested topic for our
seven
mindset habits
series as we've said in all our previous
mindset habits videos for as important
and helpful as it is to have daily
physical habits it's also if not even
more important to have solid mental
habits as our external world is a
reflection of our internal world today's
topic is about
friendships if you're like friendships
don't really have anything to do with me
proceeds to click out of the video
before you do that these mindset habits
are honestly very universal they can be
applied to romantic relationships
platonic relationships even the
relationship with
yourself and the shirt that i'm
currently wearing is very fitting have
you hugged a friend today if not here
this is usually an ending hug but we'll
do it in the beginning because today
we're in a very loving hugging friendly
mood
all right and because this was one of
the most highly requested topics from
you guys i thought what better way to
make this video than with your guys's
input and so every one of these mindset
habits has been inspired by our
conversations during our meetup and we
talked all about friendships and mindset
habits so thank you guys so much to
everyone who commented on my instagram
or who were able to join actual meetup
we
basically made this video together
so thank you thank you thank you thank
you and lastly make sure you stick
around to the seventh mindset habit
because when i heard this during the
meetup
my mind literally was blown like
absolutely blown and if you guys have
any suggestions for future seven minutes
of habits videos leave it in the comment
section and without further ado let's
start with
dear
taylor swift the very first mindset
habit is
effortlessness is a myth it seems to me
that there's a false stigma around
eagerness and our culture of unbothered
ambivalence this outlook perpetuates the
idea that it's not cool to want it that
people who don't try hard are
fundamentally more chic than people who
do all that to say effortlessness is a
myth the people who wanted at least were
the ones i wanted to date and be friends
with in high school the people who want
it most are the people i now hire to
work for my company
when i first saw this on instagram reels
i was like sheesh
but it's so true what she's saying about
wanting it as it pertains to making
friends and maintaining friendships i
feel like for most of us we all want to
have friends we all want to make friends
we all want to maintain friends so the
next step is not only do you need to
want it you need to actually put in the
effort and try
to open yourself up to do the very very
very very uncomfortable thing of saying
hi to a stranger because all new friends
start off first as a stranger you're
like hey this is who i am who are you
could we maybe be friends that could
potentially go one way which is yes or
another way which is no and if it goes
yes it's like if it goes no it's like oh
i'm hurt but as with all things in life
without risks there won't be
sweet sweet rewards so yes i think this
first point is very duh but it's
something that
i had to
constantly remind myself of even till
this day or as
open as i may seem i still
yeah social anxiety is real viv and i
actually talked about this on one of our
recent voice hugs episodes which is our
podcast i'll link down below it's
something that we all more or less deal
with there will be people who seem like
they're cooler who seem like they can
effortlessly make friends but i think
it's kind of like what we talk about all
the time thinking about when you're 80
and you're on your rocking chair
overlooking this beautiful view would
you have rather spent your life having
made and maintain good friendships or
would you rather have spent your whole
life wishing you had more friends and
wanting friends but never taking that
step to open yourself up and we'll talk
about how and all that later don't worry
so to summarize the first point to want
to be a good friend you have to try and
put in the effort because to want
anything in life you have to try and put
in the effort
that is the first point
the second is focus on the friend you're
being rather than the friend there being
i remember
when i was in college there was a period
of time where i thought my friends
sucked and i actually told a couple of
my friends that
i thought my friends sucked it's so easy
to get caught up with what your friends
aren't doing and how they're not being a
good friend
but i didn't even stop and ask myself
what am i doing like what kind of friend
am i being am i being a good friend
from my perspective or am i actually
being a good friend to them from the way
that they wanted me to friend them
if that made sense so i think it's
really shifting our mindsets from what
can others do for me and instead turning
that into what can i do for others and
this is actually something that is
rooted in my spiritual practice
philandalpha that i actually feel like
helped me reshift and just learn a lot
about how to be a human how to be a
person there's like this self-reflection
component where it's like reflecting on
yourself before you
say something about other people and at
the same time there's this principle
called
this shouldn't be confused with putting
your friend on a pedestal or just
bending over backwards for your friends
doing whatever they want you to do it's
more about before you do anything before
you say anything you're taking a step
back thinking reflecting is what i'm
gonna say gonna affect them in a
positive or a negative way and just
being mindful of how you communicate the
words that you say how your words and
actions can impact a person but anyway
to summarize the second mindset habit
this is a quote that was shared by
christiane from our productive potato
community how much larger your life can
be if you became
smaller in it
the third mindset habit is to set the
culture of your friendship
in other words
open up
too deep in i feel like we all have this
innate desire to want to be vulnerable
to want to open up because that's how we
truly form connections with one another
but it's scary it's very scary to where
you're hot in your sleep it's very scary
to share your life story it's very scary
to share these parts of you that you may
still be working through and or you may
be insecure about but
i encourage you
to give it a try and i think that is
truly how you set the culture of any
friendship if you're able to show up as
you are and share these parts of
yourselves that maybe you may still be
working through i think to show each
other that we're human and that we have
feelings then that we may have these
things that we may see as flaws but
they're not really flaws it's just who
we are the moral will realize like oh so
my friend actually goes through the same
thing or oh they've gone through
something somewhere oh this is something
that they struggle with too and i think
that is what helps you form that
connection being vulnerable really does
go both ways it allows you to be there
for someone and it also allows that
someone that friend to also be there for
you because if you're always just
i don't know why this is a bottle if
you're always just
bottled up and not sharing anything
about yourself it's hard for your
friends to be there for you because they
don't know how and they don't really
know what you're going through it's easy
for me to sit here and be like yes just
open up and be vulnerable when i know
nothing about your situation so if you
are like
vulnerability it's not easy for me it
doesn't come naturally what can i do
mine's a habit number four lean in to
grow together you guys know how much i
love a good matrix a good chart so as
humans i feel like we generally identify
with either introversion or extra virgin
which is on this side introversion
actual version
to me the textbook definition that i
like going by is how and where do you
get energy from do you get it by
yourself introversion do you get it when
you're around other people extroversion
and when it comes to making friends just
how open you are as a person i believe
you're either an open book or you're a
closed book so i've broken down this
matrix to include questions that we can
ask ourselves because
yes why not let's start with this
quadrant
open book
introverted so i would actually see
myself in this quadrant and the question
i would ask myself is
why are you actually an open book what
is the real reason why you're being
vulnerable don't turn your vulnerability
into new walls to protect or cage
yourself in this is very personal
there's this quote from bernay brown
mother of vulnerability that is
phenomenal it goes vulnerability without
boundaries leads to disconnection
distrust and disengagement in fact
boundary-less disclosure is one way to
protect ourselves from real
vulnerability which is what i definitely
have done in the past
and probably still do to this day i
think there's a lot that i need to think
about i'm gonna journal about this
tonight okay
so moving on to this side of the matrix
we have introverted who is more closed
off what you can do instead of just like
straight up opening up because you know
you are more of a closed book and it
does take us some time for you to warm
up to people i actually think it's
important to kind of like stress out the
situation you can ask some questions
starting from like more
easy neutral like what are you most
looking forward to if you could do
anything in this world then you could
not fail what would you do and then if
you want to go like super intense you
can just stare someone in their soul and
ask them what is your life purpose or
like an easier way to ask that without
being as intense as what do you do that
just like lights you up that was
introversion open and closed when it
comes to extroversion instead of
questions you can ask yourself or
questions you can ask each other i
actually asked a very extroverted friend
to help me come up with some of these
because i'm like i cannot really relate
so for
open book what she recommends doing is
to practice active listening for example
when someone is talking being aware of
the fact that they're talking actively
listening to what they're saying rather
than thinking of what you're going to
say next this honestly applies to anyone
no matter if you introverted extroverted
open or closed i think active listening
is very important and it's very helpful
it's a skill that'll take you very very
very far next for close book extroverted
folks challenge yourself to give an
honest answer to the question of how are
you
doing if you have a friend who you can
trust and who you know is really asking
like how are you really doing how are
you really feeling you can just be like
i'm actually not doing that well but
like i'm working on it that will allow
your friend to be like oh you know is
there any way that i can support you is
there any way that i can help you and
more often than not you'd be surprised
like maybe this is something that your
friend is also going through it's
something that your friend went through
and you guys can talk about it and it's
this beautiful thing where when you open
up and they open up and you set the
culture of this relationship and it just
flourishes and the more you practice
opening up to people who you trust the
more positive reinforcement you'll be
able to get because you realize like oh
nothing bad happens when i open up it's
fine all is well the fifth mindset habit
is to view friendship
as
trees yes trees this is a quote from
kowal in our productive potato meetup
people in your life are like different
parts of trees some are roots that keep
you grounded some are branches that are
close to you and some are leaves that
fall out and re-sprout with the change
in season when i read this quote it
really reminded me of something i shared
i think in a previous mindset habit
video too people come into your life for
a reason season or
people come into your life for a reason
season or a lifetime the pain comes when
you put them in the wrong category just
like how life has different seasons i
also feel that there's also friendships
with seasons as well some friends will
stay friends with you throughout all of
your season some friends will stay for a
couple seasons some friends won't even
stay for a full season and you just
won't see them again like the leaves
just prematurely fall off but i feel
like
with this very beautiful visual analogy
of a giant tree it's like the mother
tree or like the giving tree it helps
you realize you don't need to
feel as guilty as you may have you don't
need to force things the people who are
in your life are meant to be in your
life right this comes at the baseline
that you're trying your best and you're
giving it your all which also is
different at different times but i
really do feel like if you're meant to
be friends with someone they will be in
your life if you're not meant to be for
someone no matter how hard you try no
matter how hard you force things to
happen it still won't turn out the way
you want them to if anything will turn
out potentially worse but yeah i just
think if they're destined to be a root
in your life they will be a root no
matter how hard you fight it or it's or
you're not fighting at all it'll just
come so effortlessly and i know we said
effortless is a myth but i do feel like
some relationships can feel very
effortless because of whatever karmic
tie you have the fact that you know you
guys are just supposed to be roots in
each other's lives and that is a a very
beautiful thing the sixth mindset habit
is something that we mentioned in the
very first mine sahabi video but it's so
good that i want to bring it up again
which is to value four quarters over a
hundred pennies and this is basically
just talking about the quality of your
friendships rather than the quantity of
your friendships when i was growing up i
felt like the more the better i need to
be friends with everyone but once i kind
of did befriend everyone at my high
school i realized it's
still empty because even though i know
everyone superficially on the surface
there's no one who really
knew me and like really understood me
and was there for me and so now i
learned that i'd rather have a smaller
tighter knit group of friends who are
like family rather than having thousands
and thousands of friends at the same
time i feel like there's nothing wrong
with having a lot of friends either but
if we're able to
open up be vulnerable set the culture
ask each other the right questions this
is truly the way to
form and find these quarters in your
life and when you do find a quarter
who's also a root who's also a fan of
taylor swift
hold that bestie close because that
bestie's a keeper
okay
very last
seventh mindset habit the one that just
blew my mind i'm just gonna start with a
quote this is from samantha from our
meetup i treat my friendships as i treat
my romantic relationships when i heard
this
i had to take a moment of silence
because my mind literally just shattered
in a thousand pieces if you told me this
even two years ago i'd be like yeah sure
okay whatever and then you're just like
because i didn't have context
but i realized especially because james
and i have been working on so much in
terms of communication learning about
each other love languages i was thinking
of oh my god why don't i
do what i do in a relationship with
james with my best friends this could be
so beneficial to so many of my
friendships if i
were to ask them these questions of how
can i be a better friend for you how can
i show up more how can i
love you in the way that you like to be
loved not the way that i want to love
you because i feel like whenever there's
books or podcasts about relationships
they're almost always about romantic
relationships you don't see self-help
books on friendships or there's just
there's not as many so i think being
able to broaden our perspective and
realize oh what i'm doing and what i'm
communicating and what i'm working on in
my relationship my romantic relationship
i can do that with my friendships too i
think this will just like
just your mind will just expand this is
how life is supposed to work you know
you're not supposed to just live in a
hole by yourself which is what i kind of
did
for the past five years but it's okay
it's a learning process learned a lot
about myself learned a lot about
friendships i hope you guys learned a
lot about friendships and with that
thank you guys so much for joining
thank you to everyone who joined the
meetup and if you guys are ever
interested in joining these meetups in
the future i'll leave the link to our
community down below you can check it
that out and
come on have you hugged a friend today
no all right here's another hug
see you guys next time
bye