♪♪
-Let's get to the news.
Former President Trump over the weekend
kicked off his 2024 campaign, Merrick.
[ Laughter ]
Former President Trump kicked off his 2024 campaign
on Saturday at the New Hampshire Republican Party's
annual meeting and said, "I'm more angry now,
and I'm more committed now than I ever was."
Though it's never a good sign when your opening pitch is,
I'm blind with rage.
[ Laughter ]
While speaking on Saturday in New Hampshire,
former President Trump said the Taliban were incapable
of fighting at night because they don't have binoculars.
I'm --
[ Laughter ]
I'm sorry. Do you think binoculars
help you see at night?
[ Laughter ]
"Officer, I know you pulled me over for not
having my headlights on.
But don't worry, I got my binoculars."
[ Laughter ]
"Now I know what you're thinking.
I can't hold the steering wheel
when I'm holding my binoculars."
"For that, you can write me a ticket."
President Biden, and Vice President
Kamala Harris are set to travel to Philadelphia on
Friday for the DNC's winter convention.
For those who don't know what that is,
winter used to be a season where it was really cold outside.
[ Laughter ]
Florida Congressman Matt Gaetz discussed his role
in the contentious speakership election in a new interview
and said he's "not some 'Lord of the Flies' nihilist."
"We're reading that in class," said his girlfriend.
[ Laughter ]
[ Audience oohs ]
It's a good book.
New York Mayor -- New York Mayor Eric Adams told reporters
last week that he thinks Republican Congressman
George Santos should resign.
While Santos disagreed and said he's actually
the Mayor of New York City.
[ Laughter ]
A 29-year-old recently attempted to enroll
at a high school in New Jersey,
which I think was the plot of "Grease?"
[ Laughter ]
That's right, a 29-year-old woman was charged last week
with providing a false government document
after she allegedly provided a fake birth certificate
and tried to enroll at a New Jersey high school.
Teachers knew something was off after it seemed like
she wanted to be there.
[ Laughter ]
The San Antonio Zoo is offering a Valentine's Day promotion
to name a cockroach after customers' exes for $10.
[ Laughter ]
Meanwhile, they'll do it for 5 bucks at Arby's.
[ Laughter ]
[ Audience oohs ]
"Yeah, just take your pick."
[ Laughter ]
And finally, authorities in Australia have recently begun
searching for a missing radioactive capsule.
And they think they just found it.
[ Laughter ]
[ Laughs ]
President Biden informed Congress yesterday
that he will officially end
the coronavirus pandemic emergency declaration in May,
which means that everyone can finally
stop wearing their mask a year ago.
[ Laughter ]
President Biden visited New York City today
and spoke about how the bipartisan infrastructure law
will improve the Hudson River Tunnel
that connects New York and New Jersey.
The biggest improvement --
it will no longer connect to New Jersey.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
The Biden administration unveiled a proposal yesterday
that would make birth control more easily accessible.
That's great. Now can you do razors?
[ Laughter ]
President Biden confirmed last week
that White House chief of staff Ron Klain
will step down in the coming weeks and said,
"The real mark of Ron's success
is that he's beloved by the team he leads."
Though I'd say the real mark of Ron's success
is that this is the first we're all hearing of him.
[ Laughter ]
President Biden is set to travel to Philadelphia this week
to discuss an infrastructure project
that will replace lead pipes.
But then how are Philadelphians supposed to collect their debts?
[ Laughter ]
According to a new survey, people don't want their partners
to earn less than $30,000 a year.
This news first reported
by a guidance counselor to a philosophy major.
[ Laughter ]
"But, like, can you even name one who's working today?"
After vacationing for the last month in Orlando,
former Brazilian president Jair Bolsonaro
has reportedly applied for a six-month visitor visa.
I'm sorry.
You saw Orlando and wanted to stay longer?
[ Laughter ]
"An IHOP and an Applebee's!
Call the consulate and tell them I'm not leaving!"
[ Laughter ]
The U.K. announced plans today to improve its environment
and hopes to restore at least 1.2 million acres
of wildlife habitat to protect rare species
like hedgehogs and red squirrels.
Because if those die out,
it could mean the end of the traditional English breakfast.
[ Audience groans ]
[ Laughter ]
[British accent] "The best we can do is Impossible hedgehog."
[ Laughter ]
Florida law-- [ Laughs ]
Florida lawmakers proposed legislation yesterday
that would allow residents to carry firearms without a permit.
I don't know. I guess they figure
it can't be any more dangerous
than letting 100-year-olds drive.
[ Laughter ]
And, finally, according to a new study,
kids missed about 35% of a normal year's worth
of learning during the coronavirus pandemic.
Said kids, "Oh, my God! That's more than half a year!"
President Biden is said to have his annual physical
later this month.
Well, at least that's one probe that won't turn up
any documents.
[ Laughter ]
God willing.
The FBI reportedly searched President Biden's
Delaware beach house today
as part of the ongoing investigation
into his handling of classified documents.
And I think he might be getting nervous,
because he said, "You know what you should be searching?
Hunter's laptop.
Crazy stuff in there."
[ Laughter ]
Democratic Congressman Jamie Raskin asked
the Secret Service yesterday to turn over visitor logs
to Mar-a-Lago and former Vice President Mike Pence's
Indiana home.
Let me save you the time --
Domino's guy and no one.
[ Laughter ]
The Biden administration proposed new rules today
that would limit credit card company fees
for missed payments.
"Oh, I never charge anything," said Merrick Garland.
[ Laughter ]
[ Audience murmurs ]
[ Groans ]
According to a new poll, 15% of voters said
that the most important problem
facing the county's inflation --
oh, wait, now it's 20%?
Oh, God, now it's 25-- 30%?
Oh, my God, you know what? I'm gonna stop looking.
I'm gonna just stop looking.
Authorities in Texas yesterday located
the two emperor tamarin monkeys that went from the Dallas Zoo
inside the closet of an abandoned home.
And they left them there because at this point,
that's a more secure location than the Dallas Zoo.
[ Laughter ]
Tomorrow is groundhog day, which is weird,
'cause we still haven't had the first six weeks of winter.
[ Laughter ]
According to new analysis, the price of beef is expected
to increase this year by 15%, so it's gonna be weird
when the price of a Quarter Pounder doesn't.
[ Laughter ]
Then what is it?
[ Laughter ]
And finally, the candy executive who's credited
as the father of Peeps, for creating the marshmallow treat,
died recently at the age of 98.
And his last words were, "Please don't let them call me
the father of Peeps."
[ Laughter ]
According to a new poll, President Biden's
approval rating has risen 1 point over the last month.
So now he's going to keep discovering more and more
classified documents until he clinches re-election.
The FBI searched President Biden's Delaware
beach house yesterday and reported
that they did not find any classified documents.
Of course not.
You think that's what Joe Biden reads at the beach?
It's Tom Clancy or nothing down there.
After facing criticism from Florida Governor Ron DeSantis,
the College Board yesterday released a revised framework
for its new A.P. African-American Studies course,
which no longer features sections on
reparations, prison abolition, and black queer studies.
Instead, students will just watch "Friends."
At a House Judiciary Committee meeting yesterday,
Florida Congressman Matt Gaetz proposed
that every meeting begin with the pledge of allegiance,
just like they do at his girlfriend's school.
The New York groundhog Staten Island Chuck
did not see his shadow today.
Said residents, "Yeah, you didn't see nothin'."
During this year's annual Groundhog Day celebration,
Punxsutawney Phil predicted another six weeks of winter.
Okay, but did he see his shadow or a calendar?
Of course winter's not over. It's February 2nd.
There's still football.
Can we at least move the stupid ritual
to mid-March, where there's a little mystery?
The Federal Reserve raised interest rates yesterday
by a quarter point, which is going to make it
even harder to get approved for a loan to buy eggs.
The fast-food chain Subway has announced
that it will begin slicing meat in-store in front of customers.
And it can't be a good sign when your customers' reaction
to your sandwiches is, "Prove it."
"I'll wait."
Amid reports that the retailer will file for bankruptcy,
Bed Bath & Beyond announced yesterday
it will close 87 stores across the country.
But, remember, every time God closes a door,
he opens a Spirit Halloween.
And, finally, a 6-year-old in Michigan
recently ordered about $1,000 worth of food
on a delivery app while playing with his father's phone.
Even more impressive, his wife bought that story.
"I mean, I feel like I should eat it since it's here."
That was the monologue, everybody!