Hello little buns! It is Stef, welcome back to my home!
If you are not a little bun, and you've come here specifically because of the title...
Hi! What's up?
I did a video, almost a year ago now, titled "HOW TO Date Trans Women,"
and the video received... mixed responses.
And that's not really- that's not really why I'm making a part two,
I'm making a part two because my viewpoint has changed drastically.
If you really wanna see the original video, there will be a link down below,
or you can click on the annotation / card / whatever it is on mobile that shows up right down here, okay?
In the video, I expressed a lot of concern over the safety of transwomen, and my
and my own fear of... death [laughs] resulting in dating.
And that may sound kind of out-of-the-box,
but if you watch the video, you'll understand what I was talking about.
Now that a significant amount of time has passed, and I've been on hormones longer,
and I've... had more dating experiences, my viewpoint is different.
That being said, this is my own experience, and I absolutely know, for a fact,
that many, many transwomen, especially transwomen of color, especially black transwomen,
face an extreme amount of violence, that I, as a white transwoman, am just not going to experience.
So...
this is my white experience! [laughs] Okay?
I, by no means, am telling you that all transwomen experience things the same way.
In fact, I need you to know that we're all completely different, and all of our experiences will be different.
The general fear of... violence, from men in dating with transwomen, is pretty consistent, however.
And then when it comes to transwomen who are... attracted to women,
there is a fear of, um, TERFs, I guess you could say, which is trans exclusionary radical feminists.
"Trans exclusionary" basically means they don't believe transwomen are women,
and that they are men invading women's spaces, which is bullshit. So they're bullshit.
I don't wanna spend another five, or ten, or fifteen minutes talking about my fear,
when I have other experiences that I've had that I wanna share with you.
Now, living as a transwoman in Toronto--
Toronto, for those of you that don't know, is a city in Canada, in Ontario--
I am now aware that there are many, many, many men who are educated enough,
and self-aware enough to be intimate with a transwoman,
or to, you know, romance a transwoman, without being threatened, and without threatening them.
By no means am I saying every man is going to be like, "Yeah, you're interesting," but literally nobody has that experience,
nobody has the experience in the world of dating where everybody, all the men wanna date them.
Even the ones that you think do have that, they don't.
And if they do, they're not interested in them for the right reasons, anyway, so it's like...
I feel like the dating pool for transwomen in Toronto--
to be fair, that fit the "conventionally pretty" standard-- is relatively okay.
Okay? It exists. Doesn't mean I like it, doesn't mean it's great, but it's there, okay?
It's not as bad as I thought it was here.
Now, when I said there are lots, and "many, many, many men" that will like- are okay with dating transwomen,
I have not dated many, many, many men. Okay?
I'm just aware that they're existing, and that they're interested in transwomen.
Maybe not even specifically transwomen, but they're open to us because we are women, and they understand that.
And that's fantastic! That's all I ask.
Some people interpreted my last video, where I talked about dating as a transwoman,
or even in other videos where I say things like,
"Oh, you shouldn't exclude an entire subset of women from your dating pool because they're trans."
Some people interpreted that as "You need to be attracted to transwomen."
That's not what I'm saying. [Light falls in the background]
The ghost didn't like it!
That is not what I'm saying! When I'm saying that you shouldn't exclude transwomen from your dating pool.
What I'm saying is that when you meet a person that you're interested in,
and then you understand that they're trans, that shouldn't remove them from the running.
When it comes to genitalia...
No transwoman is gonna want you to sleep with them if you're not comfortable with their genitalia, okay?
Because that's just kind of not gonna be a great experience for either of you.
So I don't want anybody to be afraid that they're gonna meet a transwoman who's gonna pressure them into sex,
because like, that's not- that's not gonna happen.
And if it does, don't sleep with them! Okay?
Bye! Just leave! Okay?
Nobody should ex- [sighs]
You should not sleep with people that you don't wanna sleep with, that's your- that's your prerogative, okay?
Don't sleep with them, if you don't want to.
What I want you to understand, like I said before, if you meet a woman, you think she's, you find out that she's trans,
it shouldn't phase you, okay? It shouldn't phase you.
If they have not had SRS,--
and, let me be clear, you should not be asking this to every transwoman you meet, if they've had SRS,
meaning, like "bottom surgery," or, as some people say, "The surgery,"--
you should not be asking that to every transwoman you meet.
But if you are planning on becoming intimate with a transwoman, THEN it's your business.
THAT'S when what's in our pants is your business.
Any other point in your life, it is not your business what genitals I have! Or any other transwoman. Okay?
Unless we're gonna sleep together, you don't need to know what's in my pants.
In the event that you meet a transwoman, you wanna go at her, okay? She wants to go at you,
she's got a penis, you've never done THAT before. Tell her that. There's no shame in that.
She's not gonna be ashamed, or like, "No! I can't sleep with him 'cause he's never touched a penis!"
You understand that gender and genitalia are not the same thing.
Genitalia is a body part, much like an arm, a leg, an ear.
A gender is a social thing, it's a concept, it's not a physical body part.
So when you're attracted to women, you may very well be attracted to a transwoman with a penis,
she's still a woman, the penis is inconsequential.
If you don't wanna sleep with a person with a penis, cool, don't do it.
But don't shame other people for sleeping with women with penises.
Don't shame women with penises for having penises.
Do not expect every woman with a penis to want to get rid of it,
and do not expect every- like, just don't expect things.
Just go with the flow, just do your thing!
I used to be so uptight about this whole- this whole subject,
because I was like, "You need to understand this and this and this," and then...
I realized it's just not really...
it's not realistic for me to expect people to understand what the f*ck they're doing!
So I've come to a place now, where I just tell people, "You know what? You do you!
"If you don't wanna do it, bye! If you do wanna do it, chill out, it's fine, do it!
"Do it!
"Do it!"
In the first part, as in my last video, I talked a lot about, you know, how to care for or treat a transwoman,
because we're fragile, delicate objects.
That's not true, really, it's not.
My intent with the last video, when I was explaining these things, was to prepare you
for, I guess, having the basic knowledge of communicating with a transwoman, or being intimate with a transwoman.
And in some ways, I've hit the nail on the head, and some others, maybe not,
I haven't watched the video in a long, long, long time.
So I'm just gonna go over it again, for you, in my new perspective.
If you wanna become intimate with a transwoman, THEN you can ask them about their genitals.
Do it politely. Don't be like, "Hey, whatchu packin?"
You know, ask them, politely, what they're configuration is.
If you both wanna become intimate with each other,
if she doesn't express that interest, don't ask that, that's rude, okay? Thank you.
If you have an understanding of what genitals everybody has, and you're all good with it,
talk about things that you do and don't like, especially with her.
With cisgender people- and again, if you are unfamiliar with what "cisgender" means,
it's a Latin term "cis," means you're on the same side of your assigned gender.
So, what a lot of people refer to as "normal."
If you are cisgender, it is less likely for you to have issues with your genitals, or with sex and body issues.
I'm not saying it's impossible, of course many cis people do have problems,
but trans people, it's much more likely for them to have issues.
So what you wanna do is discuss that! Discuss, "Is there anything that would make you uncomfortable?
"Anything that I should not do?"
This is discussion you should be having with all of your sexual partners, not just trans people,
but a lot of the time, people just don't think it's necessary and they just go right to the fellatio.
And, you know what? Go for it, do your thing, okay?
But I warned you.
You should always have the talk with your sexual partners, okay? Understand boundaries.
Now you've talked, and you understand each other a little bit more. Do the thing!
Go for it!
Go for it! Do the thing! Kay?
And that's it!
I really hope you don't have a weird experience after,
where you feel some kind of guilt or shame, because that's not a cute feeling!
I think pretty much everybody's felt some weird kinda guilt after some kind of hookup situation,
But, like, don't feel that.
[Nervous chuckle]
Obviously, saying "Don't feel that" is not gonna change anything,
but what I need you to do is understand where that's coming from, okay?
If the experience was bad, and you've been pressured into it, don't feel guilt or shame, feel... pissed off!
If the experience was good, and it was consensual between every participating party,
don't feel guilt or shame... be satisfied.
If, you know, it wasn't what you expected, and you don't wanna do it again, okay, cool.
But don't feel guilt or shame, that's not good.
And if you enjoyed it, and you're like, "Oh my God, this girl's great! Fuck it, let's date!" Or something-
This is the next thing I wanna talk about: Relationships with transwomen.
I'm not gonna give you some like speech like before, about things that you have to do and how it's different,
because, to be very honest with you, it's very much the same.
And that's what I need you to understand, and that's what I didn't understand.
If you're a commitment-type person, and you wanna commit to this person, don't hide them! Don't do that!
There are, of course, situations in which relationships should be kept secret for the safety of everybody involved,
I understand that.
If that's the case, if you have the threat of death or family excommunication, or some big thing,
and both parties understand that it would be bad to bring the relationship public, that's a situation.
But if you just don't want your buddies to know that you like a transwoman,
and that maybe, you really, you just feel like, maybe you're like "Hoo! Heart! FEELINGS!" for this transwoman,
and you don't wanna show her off...
you gotta go!
You gotta go! Or you gotta sort out your issues, and bring her out to meet your friends.
Because if your friends have a problem with you dating a transwoman, your friends are SHIT!
How do I explain this? Okay.
Usually, the "buddies" having a problem with you dating a transwoman thing
comes from a threat to your masculinity, is how they see it, okay?
They're like, "Oh my God, like, that feels GAY!"
Like they perceive it as a gay thing, which I thought we were at the point where gay things were totally cool.
Regardless, this is not a gay thing.
Because, you know, I would be a woman, and you would be a man, if that is the case.
If it is a gay thing, like if it's a transwoman and a ciswoman, that's a gay thing. Roll with it! So gay!
Love it!
The buddies almost have this thing like, "Oh, I gotta protect my dude, my friend, my 'bruh,' from this predator."
And it's like, no, that's not the situation.
Their fear- it perpetuates the cycle of othering and alienating transwomen, as a freak, as a predator.
Which is, like- A freak is one thing, okay? I understand people thinking we're different,
but the predator thing comes totally out of leftfield, and I don't know where the hell that came from.
Totally false, I don't even wanna talk about it, it just disturbs me.
If your friends are struggling with accepting your trans significant other,
and you really want these friends to stick around, and you think that these friends aren't shit, okay?
If you can't bring them around and make them understand that your partner is a woman, if they're a transwoman,
or they are a man, if they're a transman, your friends are shit!
Like, I know that there's a certain reach where you wanna be like,
"Yeah, I can bring them- I can make them understand,"
But if you can't, if it's the kind of relation- like, okay, you know what?
Even if it's the kind of relationship where you don't want it to last very long,
your friend is still shit, and they need to go. Not for the sake of your partner, but for your own sake.
You need to cultivate a friendship, a group of friends, that is not going to shame you for liking somebody.
That's terrible! That's awful! I don't really know where else I can go with this.
I feel like I've communicated quite a bit.
I know my last video that I made of this was perceived as angry, this one's gonna perceived as more angry, in parts!
And, okay, maybe I'm a little bit angry, I'm not angry at the people that want to date trans people,
or the people that happen to date trans people.
I'm angry at people that make them feel like it's a shameful thing.
Because that, in turn, is making- it makes transwomen feel like they should be ashamed of existing.
It perpetuates horrible cycles, it leads to terrible situations.
I don't like it! So yeah, I'm angry in a lot of ways.
I'm also thankful in a lot of ways, to the people that are educated, and open-
You don't even have to be open-minded! Like, I feel like I'm thanking people for being decent.
I don't have to. I don't have to thank people for being decent. You don't get a medal for not hurting somebody!
So just don't hurt people! Be cool, be yourself.
I just gotta stop. [Chuckling] I gotta stop now, because I don't know where else to go with this.
It's been fun! This has been great!
Until next time, remember you are super cool, so rad, so cool, like, just the coolest, the freshest, freshest!
I love you! I will see you again very soon! Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, I love you, bye!
[Kisses]