-Thank you very much.
Welcome, welcome, welcome
to "The Tonight Show."
Let's get to the news and jokes.
Well, guys, it was just another crazy week
and tonight President Trump did his first
on-camera interview since he got COVID.
Let's see who he decided to talk to.
-We have just learned this morning
that President Trump is set to appear
in his first on-camera interview tonight
and will apparently get a medical evaluation,
not by the White House physician,
but by a doctor on Fox News,
[ Laughter ] according to the cable network.
[ Laughter ]
-That's right, Trump got a remote medical evaluation.
It's like a Zoom physical. [ Laughter ]
It was a tough choice for TV viewers --
Yankee playoff game, NBA finals,
or hearing about a 74-year-old man's body.
[ Laughter ].
"Can we catch all three?"
No, you can't.
A medical exam on TV?
I feel like Trump's one step away
from taking a COVID test on "Maury."
[ Laughter ]
"You do not have the virus!"
[ Laughter ] Aah!
♪♪
[ Laughter ]
I'm sure the guy who evaluated Trump is qualified.
I mean, to be a Fox News doctor,
you have to go to medical school in Queens
for a whole three hours.
[ Laughter ]
It was really bizarre television,
especially when Trump told the doctor --
[ As Trump ] Might as well check my prostate while I'm here.
[ Laughter ] I mean, just -- -Oof.
At least, Trump seemed like
he was in a playful mood during the exam.
When the doctor said he would need a sample
of his blood, urine, and stool,
Trump gave him his underwear.
[ Audience oohs ] -Ew!
- [ As Trump ] Come on, it's a classic!
It's a classic!
[ Laughter ]
I've never really seen him laugh, Trump, right?
What does he laugh like?
Like -- [ Silent ]
[ Laughter ]
Like a silent laugh? -A Muppet, yeah.
-Yeah, he's like a Muppet, like --
[ Laughter ]
-Maybe like a robot, like
"Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah." [ Laughter ]
-Or maybe he's like, you know,
some people laugh like Ernie, too. Like --
[ Snickering ] [ Laughter ]
-Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's a good one, yeah.
-[ Snickering ] Yeah, that's a good one.
[ Laughter ]
Actually, I was impressed with the doctor.
He remembered every single word Trump told him to say.
[ Laughter ]
That's right, Trump was given a virtual medical exam on TV.
I guess that explains this promo I saw.
[ Suspenseful theme plays ]
That's why you should watch...
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Yeah, the last few days,
Trump has been all over Fox News.
Last night, he called in to Sean Hannity.
At this point, even regular Fox News viewers are like,
"Ugh. This guy, again?"
[ Laughter ]
By now, anytime Trump calls Fox News,
it comes up as potential spam.
[ Laughter ]
During the interview, Trump didn't sound too good.
Take a listen to this.
[ Clears throat ]
-Yeah.
-Yeah --
[ Clears throats ]
[ Clears throat ]
-Wow! -[ Murmuring ]
-That's great. The president of the United States
is slowly turning into the Mucinex monster.
[ Laughter ]
A second later, Trump was like --
[ As Trump ] [ Coughing ]
Sorry, hair ball.
[ Laughter ]
Hannity then tried asking Trump if he'd been tested for COVID
and Trump wouldn't give a clear answer.
Listen to this. -Have you been
tested recently? -Or sooner, maybe.
I know I'm whether I'm great shape or not. -Did you test negative?
[ Laughter ] -Have you had a test
since your diagnosis a week ago?
[ Laughter ]
-So...the answer is no.
[ Laughter ]
His doctor will only examine him on TV from 200 miles away.
I think it's safe to say that he's still positive.
[ Laughter ]
It's like being asked, "How'd your history test go?"
And you go, "Yes."
[ Laughter ]
Later in the interview, Hannity asked Trump
what he thought would happen under Biden's environmental plan
and he had a pretty interesting response.
[ Laughter ]
-"Rebuild them with tiny, little windows
so you cannot see light."
[ Laughter ]
Is he attacking the Democrats
or writing a haiku?
[ Laughter ] I'm worried about Trump.
But later, he was like --
[ As Trump ] To the window,
[ Laughter ] to the wall,
'till the sweat drop down my
[ Coughing ] [ Laughter ]
Hair balls.
[ Laughter ]
It didn't stop there.
Trump then talked about California's
water situation. Listen to this.
[ Laughter ]
[ Laughter intensifies ] -No! No!
[ Applause ] No!
[ Laughter ] No. No, man.
-I swear, it's real. -Y'all did that.
-No, it's real. No, that is his exact --
-This is the new "Do Not Read." Y'all did that.
-I swear. -There's no way!
[ Laughter ]
-Tiny windows, tiny fish.
He sounds like those YouTube videos of kids
after they get their wisdom teeth out.
[ Laughter ]
Then, today, Trump called in to Rush Limbaugh's radio show
for two hours. -Agh!
-And, at one point, he dropped an F-bomb
while talking about Iran. Listen to this.
-And Iran knows that and they've been put on notice --
if you [bleep] around with us, if you do something bad to us,
we are going to do things to you
that have never been done before.
[ Laughter ]
-Yeah. When Mike Pence heard Trump curse,
he took two flies and stuck them in his ears.
[ Laughter ]
[ As Pence ] Not today, Satan!
[ Laughter ]
Well, Trump says he's feeling better
and doctors are crediting his recovery
to some advanced treatments, including a steroid.
But I don't know if it's the best choice for Trump.
Take a look at this ad I saw the other night.
-Reclaim the day with...
Dexamethasone has been used to treat
moderate to severe cases of COVID-19.
While effective, dexamethasone isn't for everyone.
You shouldn't take dexamethasone if you...
[ Laughter ]
Side effects may include...
[ Laughter ]
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Hey, this is going viral --
a woman shared a picture of a frozen tuna steak
that looks like President Trump.
Take a look at this. See if you can see the --
[ Audience oohs ] [ Laughter ]
Trump saw that and was like --
[ As Trump ] Now, that's the tan I'm looking for.
[ Laughter ]
Oh, I saw that a pet owner wanted
to keep her dogs in the yard,
but she also wanted them to see her come home,
so she came up with this solution.
[ Laughter ]
-Hi!
[ Laughter ] Hi.
-[ Whining ]
[ Laughter ]
-That's what happens when you're trapped
in your house for seven months.
"I'm gonna go make some dog holes in the fence."
[ Laughter ]
Honey, any headway with the job search?
"No, but I made a couple of -- couple dog holes in the --"
[ Laughter ]
And, finally, these days, it can feel like
there's a lot going wrong with the world
and sometimes you just wish you could make it right.
Well, luckily, we're able to do that here at "The Tonight Show."
It's time for "This Week Made Right."
Check it out. [ Cheering and applause ]
♪♪
-Shockingly, President Trump has left Walter Reed hospital
to ride around in his SU--
Oh, wait a second.
-Aaaaah!
[ Laughter ]
Okay, yep, that's probably
for the best. -Get in there! -Aaah!
-That's right, after a heated presidential debate last week,
the VP candidates have agreed to sit in silence
and smile at one another.
Let's take a look.
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
[ Laughter ]
-Shocker for the Patriots this week.
Cam Newton is out with COVID.
He could be done for the season.
-Oh, wait a second, Al. Not so fast.
-Well, look at that. It's Cam Newton.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Is a great insult...
[ Fly buzzing ]
...to the men and women who serve in law enforcement
and I want everyone to know, who puts on the uniform. [ Laughter ]