Alex:
but I think he's ten minutes late right now
and I don't see him, so I hope I didn't get ghosted.
( ringing )
Operator:
to an automated voice messaging system.
Alex:
( groans )
And in 2018, nearly half
the U.S. population reported
feeling lonely regularly...
Woman:
to Americans' well-being.
...leading some experts to say that we're actually
in the middle of a loneliness epidemic.
Woman:
And we often make assumptions about the things that make us lonely.
But research has shown that the amount of time that we spend with other people...
Did this make you less lonely?
...and the quality of our social skills
don't really make a difference.
Loneliness may be a greater fear than death.
So why do so many of us feel lonely?
And what should we do about it?
( music playing )
So, how many friends do you have? Like, close friends.
Probably, like, 10 or 15 really close friends,
- who I talk to weekly, at least. - Wow.
Christophe: But I do feel that changing.
- Got out of college pretty recently... - Ahh, I see.
...and a lot of these people
I'm starting to not see that much anymore.
Alex: When I got out of college, I would say I had
- eight to nine good friends. - Yeah.
And out of those eight to nine, only one is left.
As a guy myself, I'm more reluctant to reach out
- and put myself out there. - Yeah.
Christophe:
there isn't a conclusive difference
in loneliness rates between men and women.
But there is some evidence that women are more comfortable
admitting that they're lonely.
Alex: And loneliness is something I've dealt with
- all my life. - Yeah.
So I'm gonna take it on. I'm gonna go online,
see if I can make new friends using an app,
and maybe that's gonna help out with the loneliness.
I swiped through, like, 200 dudes.
- Really? And he was the one? - And he was the one.
So I'm going to a restaurant to meet with Maximilian.
- I'm a little nervous. - What are you nervous about?
- Will we click? - Right.
Just be yourself.
Smile.
Not like that. That's--
- See you, dude. - Stay dry.
Hey. You're Alex, right?
- Are you Maximilian? - Yes.
- Good to meet you, man. - Good to meet you, man.
- After you. - Thanks, brother.
Yeah, dating is normal using the app.
But making friends using the app is kind of--
people see it as weird, I guess.
Everything about what we're doing is weird.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, exactly.
What do you do when you're feeling lonely?
I don't know. I can't answer that, dude. I don't know.
I just feel that, to be totally honest.
A couple weeks ago, I was really vibing with this guy
'cause we shared so much in common.
I was just like, "Hey, we should hang out,"
like in the middle of a conversation.
And he was kind of taken back by it, I could tell.
Like, he wasn't disgusted, but I just feel like he'd never been--
- nobody's ever said that to him. - Oh, no!
Like, "I've never heard somebody say that before."
And it takes a bit of time to break down those barriers, you know?
It is a little more difficult
because it's, like, are you gonna give up that masculinity
by becoming friends with this person?
That's the weird thing,
is I have no trouble making friends.
I'm a very open person.
I really just want a tight-knit group of friends.
It takes a lot of time to get out and build those relationships.
All right, good meeting you.
- It was good meeting you, Alex. - I'll be in touch.
The term "loneliness epidemic"
suggests that this is some modern crisis
that is just starting to effect us right now.
But the roots of this problem
actually go back much further than you might think.
In the late 1700s
at the start of the Industrial Revolution
in Europe and the United States,
people started to move out of small communities
and into cities to work in factories.
It's around then that you first start to see
the use of the word loneliness in English printed works.
Loneliness became the first word
to describe the experience of being alone.
Before that, the closest thing that we had was "oneliness."
But that just referred to the physical state of being alone.
It wasn't until the 1970s
that experts started to describe loneliness
as a public health crisis,
like in these American newspaper clippings
where they describe a "Loneliness Epidemic In Our Time."
All these headlines are talking about this loneliness epidemic
in the same way that you would see
media coverage talk about this today.
So, for example, this one says,
"There is an epidemic of loneliness
in America today that drives people
to seek companionship
in laundromats, shopping centers,
Weight Watchers and bars."
That's from 1973.
Articles like these were reacting to the start
of some major societal shifts.
Like, when we get married in the U.S.,
people have been getting married
later and later since the 1950s.
And young unmarried people report feeling more lonely
than their married peers.
And organized community groups like church
have become less prominent than ever.
Today, a quarter of the U.S. population
is unaffiliated with organized religion
versus just five percent in 1972.
And those who attend religious services less frequently tend to be lonelier.
So we can't say that we're lonelier than ever,
because we haven't really had a consistent way
to measure loneliness over time.
And we can't say whether those social changes
have caused higher rates of loneliness today.
But we do know that more people
are spending big chunks of their lives
isolated from close-knit communities.
That's important because our brains are wired
to want those social circles.
There's one theory that could help us understand the impact
that has on loneliness.
There's this idea that there is a cognitive limit
on the number of people that humans can have,
basically, a meaningful, social relationship with.
That idea is known as Dunbar's number.
The guy who came up with this, his name is Robin Dunbar.
What he did to find that number is he basically looked
at average brain size of different primates
and average social group size.
And he made sort of trend line based off of that
and extrapolated that humans probably are meant to be
in a group of about 150.
And when he double-checked that with modern
hunter-gatherer societies at the time,
it totally checked out. The average number was about 148.
- Hunter-gatherer societies were usually 150 people? - Small.
- Yeah. - Huh.
But Dunbar's number is really a set of numbers,
so there are a whole bunch of subgroups within this.
The first number is five.
This is kind of like the family and friends
that you were absolutely closest with.
You tend spend about 40% of your social time
with these five people.
I wanna know who these people are...
- Really? - ...for you. Yeah.
You're gonna make me namecheck them?
So then, moving up from this level
is what Dunbar calls
sort of your sympathy group of 15 people.
These are the people I would allow to see me cry.
One level up from that is what Dunbar calls the close network.
So these are people that you would probably invite to a big dinner party.
It's interesting. I would put in this category people I see every day.
- So I fit in this one. Is that what you're saying? - Yeah.
- Yeah, you go here. - Cool, cool, cool, cool.
And in the last level, coming back to 150,
it's sort of the max number of meaningful relationships that you have.
- These are my casual friends. - Mm.
For most of human history,
you would've lived with these people
for almost your entire life.
If I didn't live with my boyfriend
- or if this person lived out of town... - Mm-hmm.
I would not in my daily life see any of the people that I was closest to.
Yeah, which is crazy.
- Which is crazy. - It's important to note
that you can feel lonely at any one of these levels.
And the fact that we're not interacting with a lot
of these people face-to-face every day
does have an actual impact on those relationships.
Dunbar said that emotional proximity decreases by 15% every year
that you don't see someone face-to-face.
Which means that it just takes a few years
for someone who might've been in your top five,
say, in college, to go all the way
to sort of the outer limits of your 150 people.
I'm gonna leave this shoot and just book a flight
- to see my best friend. - Exactly.
So, if these all represent different flavors of loneliness,
how do people deal with each of them today?
That's what we want to figure out.
We're here in Branford, Connecticut
talking to a group of people called Romeos.
That stands for Retired Old Men Eating Out.
There's a really strong appeal to groups like this.
Research shows older men are more at risk
of social isolation when compared to older women.
A lot of these guys miss the connections that they had
either growing up or in school or in their working life.
And they want to find a way
to maintain those kinds of friendships in retirement.
When I retired, I tried to get in a few things,
but nothing seemed to click.
Most of the wives have book clubs,
- bridge clubs... - Yes. Yes.
- ...and garden clubs. - Garden clubs.
And this group was just perfect.
We just get together and we shoot the breeze,
and it's a bunch of very nice people.
Are there moments for all of you that stand out
that kind of brought you here?
Sometimes, it's a relative will say,
"I'm concerned about so and so being lonely."
We get those kinds of contacts
all the time through our website.
I became involved with the Romeo group
through my granddaughter
who did research and contacted Frank.
Because of my loneliness,
she convinced me to join the group,
and I'm glad I did.
And you weren't sure at first.
- You came very reluctantly to the first group. - Exactly.
Loneliness may be a greater fear than death.
During the day, even if you're a widowed guy,
you'll find things to do.
But when you're home at night all by yourself
and you close that door,
no matter how much family you have,
there's some point in time when you are all by yourself,
and you won't know that sense of loneliness till you're there.
It's just-- there's a void.
There's a part of you that's been taken from you
and there's no way to replace it.
So, you know, a place like this takes the edge off of it.
- This is kind of a depressing conversation. - Yes.
But normally when we get together, we have a bunch of yuks.
( music playing )
Oh, my God. Thank you. What?
- What are you doing? - I feel like I can't.
- This is cheating. - Oh, how nice.
Speaking, I guess to me, as a--
Young whippersnapper?
- Young whippersnapper. - Okay, go ahead.
Are there things that stand out as advice to
how to build strong social connections
that last throughout your life?
I think it's recognizing that that's not the reality.
- Each change over time is a transition. - It's fluid.
Each transition is a potential for loneliness or a void
or whatever you wanna label it as.
So I think it's recognizing that's gonna happen
and it's in you to make the difference.
( music playing )
- Christophe: Do you feel lonely? - I'm doing good recently,
but sometimes I feel a loneliness so intense
that my rib cage hurts and it just feels like
I don't even want to get up in the morning or move.
As bad as it is, I don't think you're alone
- in this by any means. - Yeah.
It's something that we'll all encounter at some point.
- It can affect anybody. - Yeah.
So we all feel lonely sometimes,
but where did this feeling come from?
There's this evolutionary theory
from neuroscientist John Cacioppo
who says that loneliness actually played
an important role in the survival of our species.
And Joss is gonna help us out with that.
- Hey, Alex. Good. - How's it going?
We're gonna take you on a trip through prehistoric times
to show you how we used to have to survive.
So, homo sapiens didn't survive because we were fast
or strong or equipped with natural weapons.
What they did have is the ability to cooperate
and communicate with others in their group.
Hey, guys. Let's cooperate.
So, those protective social bonds
help to guarantee us safety,
shelter, food,
and the ability to procreate.
- Aww, a baby. - Yeah, a baby. What's up?
The pain of loneliness acted like a stimulus.
It alerted us when our social bonds were at risk
and we were potentially going to be isolated.
Guys, where are you?
So that feeling actually triggers physical responses
just like other needs in your body.
So, like, when you're being swiped left on,
it's just like... ( grunts )
That's loneliness hitting you in the face.
So it was advantageous to feel uncomfortable
when your social bonds were at risk
because people who felt that were more likely to survive.
Right? If you're super comfortable alone,
you're probably in danger.
Yeah. Your body, and more specifically,
your brain are trying to keep you alive.
So if you'll turn to the side, I'll show you how that works.
We now know that the pain of social rejection
activates the same part of your brain as physical pain.
Loneliness is a motivational force coded in our DNA.
Just like the pain of hunger tells us to eat,
loneliness tells us to seek the safety of companionship.
Huh.
When you start to feel the stress of loneliness,
What?
Your body releases stress hormones like cortisol,
which make us more alert,
and epinephrine, which constricts your blood vessels
and increases blood pressure.
Your heart beats faster to send blood throughout the body.
This is what's called the flight or fight response.
- You may have heard of it. - Mm-hmm.
It's triggered by the sympathetic nervous system
and it's an immediate reaction.
It's like your body reminding you
- that you need your people. - Yeah, exactly.
All of these physiological reactions like hyper-vigilance
and restless sleep could drive you
to reconnect with your group.
But the problem is while these reactions
haven't changed all that much since early human history,
their context actually has.
- Make sense? - It does.
It's not like you're gonna run out of food
because no one's texting you back.
- Right. - However, this does have tremendous
health effects on your body.
What we found was being more socially connected,
was associated with a 50% reduced risk
for premature mortality.
The effect of lacking social connection
carried a similar risk
to smoking up to 15 cigarettes per day.
Loneliness and depression are not the same thing,
but being lonely can put you at increased risk for depression.
Alex:
in ways that prevent you from going out more.
So people who are lonely are actually more sensitive to social cues.
Those who are chronically lonely also tend to interpret
neutral kinds of social situations
as more threatening.
Wow. So your brain is scrambled,
and then as you're trying to reach out,
you're maybe reading things wrong.
( phone rings )
Alex: I've been online, I've been offline searching
to try to make friends.
Operator:
to an automated voice messaging system.
So, Chase was supposed to be here 15 minutes ago.
Oh, he's calling.
Hello?
All right.
I thought he ghosted me,
but he just-- he just has train issues.
- There he is. - Oh, hi.
- Hello, everyone. - So glad you made it.
Thank you so much. I'm happy I made it, too.
Woman: So, we're gonna start off doing a small gradation.
So it goes from dark to light.
How do you twist your hair?
Actually, I use a sponge.
I'm kinda losing some hair up in here.
Like, it's getting kind of thin up in here.
- Black castor oil. - Yeah, they also say it's good for beards.
- See, my beard grows in kind of patchy, so I was-- - Mine, too, yeah.
Like, how many close emotional friends do you have?
- Four. - Four.
And out of the four, three of them is family.
- Do you ever feel lonely? - At times.
It's crazy because the way that the world has played it
is that black men can't be openly to one another.
Like, a female can say, "Girl, you look great.
You got a nice body, nice shape."
Guys can't say, "Yo, homey, I think
that haircut looks nice on you. You're a handsome guy."
I haven't talked to another black guy about hair
- in a while. - See?
Like, I find trouble making friends
who have similar interests to me,
but also who are, you know, the same as me.
So this recent report came out from this group called AEI.
And they found that 54% of black Americans
are lonely every now and then compared to 36% of whites.
And they say that's because we all have our own communities
and friend groups, and we have unique social needs.
- Mm-hmm. - So, when you're not interacting
with people who are from these groups,
whether it's racial, religious, otherwise,
- that can lead to loneliness. - Yes.
Um, I'm about ready to show you. How are you doing over there?
Uh, you just promise me you won't laugh.
I won't laugh, no.
All right, one, two, three.
All right.
Yours looks phenomenal.
Mine looks like a kindergartener did it.
I like your clouds a lot more than mine.
Look at the bird. Like, that's the Lone Ranger.
- Where's his friends? - Just one bird.
He's lonely.
I guess he is.
We're gonna fix his little wing.
- So then they flying together. - All right.
We are going to talk to Delilah.
If you have listened to late night radio in the U.S.,
you probably are familiar with her voice.
Delilah:
How are you tonight?
Is there someone special on your heart?
So, you're 21 years old and you've never been
in a intimate, loving relationship.
I'm Delilah, and I do the "Delilah Show,"
which is a nationally syndicated radio show
heard in about 200 countries around the world.
I've been doing this a long time.
How would you describe what is special
about the format of radio that lets you have conversations like these?
So, when people are at home listening to me
or driving in the car listening to me,
I'm just this sort of voice in the night.
So I can be whatever they imagine me to do.
And it allows me to connect with people
in a way that I don't think I could in any other medium.
Do you feel like the kinds of conversations
that you with people on the radio have changed?
People today,
they don't have that inner circle.
The one thing that I have noticed
the last 10 or 15 years that has changed
is the level of desperation I hear in people's voices.
So I'm listening for what they're not saying
as much as I'm listening for what they are saying.
And I believe people are not saying, "I hurt."
What do you tell someone who's struggling with loneliness?
My first question is who can you turn to?
And if they say, "I don't have anybody,"
I'm, like, okay, therein lies the problem.
When you feel lonely, you become more isolated.
When you become more isolated, you start cutting yourself off.
And after a while, loneliness begets loneliness.
I tell them they need to form a real relationship
with somebody who needs them.
Just step outside of your comfort zone
and pretend you're Delilah and ask a few questions.
Alex:
At the most basic level,
it's our body's way of telling us
we need to reach out and connect with other people.
That was true of our prehistoric ancestors
and it's still true for us today.
I told one of my close male friends that I loved them.
It was, like, the end of our phone conversation.
I was like, "Hey, I love you"
And he was kind of, like, very taken back by it,
but he was like, "I love you, too.
I don't know why I've never said that
that to another male friend."
Christophe:
also presents us with more opportunities
to chose our own tribes.
Delilah:
A part of a family, a part of a village.
Something bigger than ourselves.
So you pick the people that you really wanna be with
and you'll never be lonely.
- That's what-- - I like that.
But if you are ever feeling overwhelmed by this,
and I know I have, it happens,
there's actually links in the description
that you can check out for help.
- Hey, how's it going? - Good.
Christophe: The thing to remember is that of all different kinds
of emotional pain that you can go through,
loneliness is the one kind that you can't solve by yourself.
We need other people, and other people need us.
Thanks so much for watching that video.
A lot of work went into it.
If you wanna see more "Glad You Asked" content,
check out the videos over here on the right.
And if you just wanna see more from "YouTube Learning,"
over here, we got more for you.
Enjoy.