HAPPY HUMP DAY, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
WELCOME, TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
THE EXCITEMENT IN THE AIR.
EVERYBODY KNOWS IT'S DAY TWO OF DONALD TRUMP'S SENATE
IMPEACHMENT TRIAL.
AND IF McCONNELL HAS HIS WAY, IT'LL GO JUST LIKE TRUMP'S
DATING CAREER: QUICK AND DISAPPOINTING, AND NO QUESTIONS
ASKED.
ALSO, I WOULD LIKE $130,000 TO FORGET I EVER MET HIM.
AND I WILL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN TONIGHT'S "DON AND GIANT
IMPEACH."
>> HE'S SUCH A PAIN IN THE ASS
>> Stephen: ONCE AGAIN, THE LEAD MANAGER OF THE CASE TODAY WAS
ADAM SCHIFF.
IT WAS GRATIFYING TO SEE SOMEONE TAKING THE CONSTITUTIONAL
RESPONSIBILITY OF THEIR OFFICE SERIOUSLY.
HE LAID OUT THE CASE AGAINST THE PRESIDENT CLEARLY, PASSIONATELY,
COVERAGENTLY, AND, I BELIEVE, COURAGEOUSLY.
BECAUSE WHETHER OR NOT PRESIDENT TRUMP IS REMOVED FROM OFFICE,
HISTORY WILL NOT FORGIVE THOSE WHO LOOKED THE OTHER WAY AT HIS
ABUSES OR FORGET THOSE WHO STEPPED IN THE BREACH AT THIS
MOMENT OF CRISIS.
SO, NO SURPRISE, THE NUMBER-ONE TRENDING TOPIC ON TWITTER WAS
MR. PEANUT.
( LAUGHTER )
OKAY, OKAY, BUT NUMBER TWO WAS GRITTY.
( LAUGHTER )
NUMBER THREE WAS THE TRIAL.
SCHIFF WAS READY EVEN BEFORE THE TRIAL STARTED.
THERE WAS A RUMOR CIRCULATING THAT REPUBLICANS WOULD ALLOW
DEMOCRATS TO CALL JOHN BOLTON AS A WITNESS IF THEY COULD CALL
JOE BIDEN.
BUT SCHIFF SHOT THAT IDEA DOWN.
>> TRIALS AREN'T TRADES FOR WITNESSES.
THIS ISN'T LIKE SOME FANTASY FOOTBALL TRADE.
>> Stephen: HE'S RIGHT.
THE SENATE TRIAL ISN'T LIKE FANTASY FOOTBALL.
FOR ONE THING, IF YOU START TALKING ABOUT THE SENATE TRIAL,
I WON'T LEAVE THE ROOM.
( LAUGHTER )
OF THE SENATE AND PLAYED THE HITS:
>> PRESIDENT TRUMP RESPONDED BY SAYING, "I WOULD LIKE YOU TO DO
US A FAVOR, THOUGH."
THE SO-CALLED THREE AMIGOS.
EVERYONE WAS IN THE LOOP.
>> Stephen: WOO!
DO QUID PRO QUO!
WOO!
DO DRUG DEAL!
WOO!
( APPLAUSE )
FRONT OF HIS AUDIENCE DISCUSSING THE PRESIDENT'S CORRUPTION AND
INCOMPETENCE USING GRAPHICS, AUDIO, AND VIDEO OF WITNESSES,
EVEN CLIPS OF TRUMP INCRIMINATING HIMSELF.
HEY, SCHIFF.
YOU'RE TREADING ON MY TURF.
( LAUGHTER )
BAND, I'M SUING.
( LAUGHTER )
CLEARLY AND PASSIONATELY.
>> THE ONLY CONCLUSION CONSISTENT WITH THE FACTS OF
LAW-- NOT JUST THE LAW, BUT THE CONSTITUTION-- IS CLEAR.
IF THIS CONDUCT IS NOT IMPEACHABLE, THEN NOTHING IS.
>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "REALLY, NOTHING?
WOO-HOO!
CORRUPTION PARTY AT MY PLACE!
FIRST ONE THERE GETS TO REPLACE LINCOLN ON THE FIVE!"
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: ABRAHAM.
>> Stephen: YOU COULDN'T HELP BUT BE MOVED BY THE HISTORIC
NATURE OF THE EVENT, UNLESS YOU WERE SENATOR RAND PAUL, BECAUSE
ACCORDING TO ONE REPORTER, EVERY FEW MINUTES, RAND PAUL KEEPS
FLIPPING THROUGH HIS NOTEBOOK TO DO BITS OF A CROSSWORD.
LET'S SEE HERE, LET'S SEE HERE...
"SACKLESS TRUMP TOADY...
EIGHT LETTERS"...
OH! 'RAND PAUL'!" THERE YOU GO.
THERE YOU GO.
I DO HAVE A PEN.
( APPLAUSE )
OF MATERIAL WE'VE HEARD BEFORE, THERE WAS SOME BREAKING NEWS.
OUR OWN CBS NEWS REPORTER GRACE SEGERS REPORTED THE SCOOP.
"TOM COTTON HAS MILK!
THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
HE HAS A GLASS, IN ADDITION TO HIS GLASS OF WATER.
HE IS THE FIRST SENATOR I'VE SEEN TO REQUEST AND GET MILK.
I REPEAT, TOM COTTON HAS MILK!" WOW!
YOU KNOW THAT MUST HAVE PISSED OFF BERNIE.
( AS BERNIE )
EVENLY DISTRIBUTED THROUGH THE SENATE.
RIGHT NOW, 1% OF THE SENATORS HAVE 100% OF THE 2%!"
"IT'S A SHAME, IT'S A CHANDA."
YESTERDAY, THE TRIAL WENT UNTIL NEARLY 2:00 A.M.
THAT IS LATE!
CAN WE SEE HOW IT ENDED?
>> I ASK UNANIMOUS CONSENT THAT THE TRIAL ADJOURN UNTIL
1:00 P.M. WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 22.
AND THAT THIS ORDER ALSO CONSTITUTE THE ADJOURNMENT OF
THE SENATE.
♪ ♪ ♪ >> WITHOUT OBJECTION, SO
ORDERED.
THE SENATE IS ADJOURNED.
♪ CLOSING TIME OPEN ALL THE DOORS... ♪
>> Stephen: ANYTIME ANYTHING ENDS AT 2:00 A.M., YOU LEGALLY
HAVE TO PLAY THAT SONG.
>> IT WAS PARTICULAR LIE TOUGH FOR CHIEF JUSTICE JOHN
ROBERTSES.
HE HAD TO BE BACK AT THE SUPREME COURT AT 10 A.M.
( AS JOHN ROBERTS )
SO, WHAT ARE WE TALKING ABOUT?
YEAH, YEAH, GUNS ARE LEGAL, CORPORATIONS ARE PEOPLE.
PLEASE DON'T ARGUE SO LOUD.
GINSBERG, CAN I REST MY HEAD ON YOUR DOILY?"
CHUCK SCHUMER KEPT PROPOSING AMENDMENTS.
MITCH McCCONNELL KEPT TABLING THOSE AMMENDMENTS BY PARTY LINE
VOTES. REPUBLICANS REJECTED SEEING RECORDS FROM THE WHITE
HOUSE, EVIDENCE FROM THE STATE DEPARTMENT, DOCUMENTS FROM THE
OFFICE OF MANAGEMENT AND BUDGET, DEFENSE DEPARTMENT DOCUMENTS,
AND SUBPOENAS FOR TESTIMONY FROM JOHN BOLTON AND MICK MULVANEY.
OH, COME ON!
WHY ARE YOU REJECTING ALL INFORMATION?
AREN'T YOU AT LEAST A BIT CURIOUS ABOUT ALL THE CRAZY
( BLEEP ) STUFF TRUMP DID?
YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT.
JUST VOTE TO FIND OUT WHAT IT WAS.
EVERYBODY WANTS TO FIND OUT THEIR BOSS' SECRETS.
TAKE IT FROM ME.
YOU DON'T WANT TO LEARN IT FROM A RONAN FARROW ARTICLE.
SO IT WAS NO SURPRISE--
YOU DON'T.
>> Jon: YOU DON'T WANT THAT!
COME ON, NOW?
>> Stephen: YOU DON'T WANT TO DO THAT.
SO IT WAS NO SURPRISE THAT THINGS GOT A LITTLE TESTY
BETWEEN THE DEMOCRATIC IMPEACHMENT MANAGERS AND TRUMP'S
LAWYERS, STARTING WHEN JERRY NADLER WENT OFF ON THE TRUMP
TEAM'S CONSTANT LIES.
>> I'M STRUCK BY WHAT WE HAVE HEARD FROM THE PRESIDENT'S
COUNSEL SO FAR TONIGHT.
THEY LIE, AND LIE, AND LIE, AND LIE.
>> Stephen: THEY LIE, AND LIE, AND LIE, AND LIE.
THAT'S NOT ENTIRELY ACCURATE.
THEY ALSO LIE.
( LAUGHTER )
TRUMP LAWYER AND MAN STARING AT YOU FROM ACROSS THE PRODUCE
AISLE, PAT CIPOLLONE.
( LAUGHTER )
DEMOCRATS' BRAZEN CALLS FOR EVIDENCE.
>> IT'S ABOUT TIME WE BRING THIS POWER TRIP IN FOR A LANDING.
IT'S A FARCE, AND IT SHOULD END.
MR. NADLER, YOU OWE AN APOLOGY TO THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED
STATES AND HIS FAMILY.
( AS CIPPOLONE )
IT, COULD YOU ALSO APOLOGIZE TO THE PRESIDENT'S PREVIOUS FAMILY?
AND THE ONE BEFORE THAT?
THEY'RE ALL STILL WAITING."
( APPLAUSE )
FINALLY, CHIEF JUSTICE ROBERTS STEPPED IN TO CALL FOR ORDER.
>> I THINK IT IS APPROPRIATE AT THIS POINT FOR ME TO ADMONISH
BOTH THE HOUSE MANAGERS AND THE PRESIDENT'S COUNSEL IN EQUAL
TERMS TO REMEMBER THAT THEY ARE ADDRESSING THE WORLD'S GREATEST
DELIBERATIVE BODY.
>> Stephen: YES, THE SENATE IS THE WORLD'S GREATEST
DELIBERATIVE BODY-- NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH "PEOPLE"
MAGAZINE'S ANNUAL "HOTTEST DELIBERATIVE BODY."
( LAUGHTER )
IT LOOKS REALLY GOOD.
I DIDN'T EXPECT THAT FROM CHUCK GRASSLEY.
CHUCK GRASS-FED.
JUSTICE RAWBTS REACHED BACK INTO HISTORY TO PROVIDE AN
EXAMPLE OF THE SENATE STANDING UP FOR DECORUM.
>> IN THE 1905 SWAIN TRIAL, A SENATOR OBJECTED WHEN ONE OF
THE MANAGERS USED THE WORD "PETTIFOGGING," AND THE
PRESIDING OFFICER SAID THE WORD OUGHT NOT TO HAVE BEEN USED.
>> Stephen: MR. CHIEF JUSTICE, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO COME
UP WITH ANOTHER EXAMPLE, BECAUSE I'M PETTIFOGGING SURE NO ONE
KNOWS WHAT THAT WORD MEANS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
NOW, AFTER--
>> Jon: PETTIFOGGING.
PETTICOAT JUNCTION.
>> Stephen: AFTER TRUMP LAWYER JAY SEKULOW ASKED, "WHY ARE
HERE?" REPRESENTATIVE HAKEEM JEFFRIES GAVE HIM THIS ANSWER.
>> WE ARE HERE, SIR, TO FOLLOW THE FACTS, APPLY THE LAW, BE
GUIDED BY THE CONSTITUTION, AND PRESENT THE TRUTH TO THE
AMERICAN PEOPLE.
THAT IS WHY WE ARE HERE, MR. SEKULOW.
AND IF YOU DON'T KNOW, NOW YOU KNOW.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
NICELY DONE.
THAT WAS GOOD.
>> Jon: WOOO!
WOOOO!
>> Stephen: OF COURSE, OLD-SCHOOL HIP HOP FANS LIKE ME
KNOW THAT'S A QUOTE FROM THE NOTORIOUS B.I.G.'S SONG "JUICY."
OF COURSE, RAP HAS A LONG HISTORY IN OUR NATION'S
DISCOURSE.
AS GEORGE WASHINGTON SAID IN HIS FAREWELL ADDRESS, "AS THE
FATHER OF THE COUNTRY, PLEASE CALL ME BIG POPPA.
THROW YOUR HANDS IN THE AY-A, AS YOU CROSS THE DELAWAYA!"
( LAUGHTER )
SO BEAUTIFUL.
>> Jon: OH, YES.
>> Stephen: SO BEAUTIFUL.
OTHER THAN VIDEO CAMERAS CONTROLLED BY THE SENATE, NO
RECORDING DEVICES ARE ALLOWED IN THE CHAMBER DURING THE SENATE
TRIAL.
BUT LIKE IN A REGULAR TRIAL, SKETCH ARTISTS ARE, WHICH IS HOW
WE KNOW THAT YESTERDAY IDAHO SENATOR JAMES RISCH FELL
ASLEEP.
GIVE HIM A BREAK.
THIS THING WENT UNTIL ALMOST 2:00 A.M.
IT'S TOTALLY UNDERSTANDABLE THAT SENATOR RISCH FELL ASLEEP AT
5:30 P.M.
WOW!
SOMEBODY POKE HIM!
HE DIDN'T JUST NOD OFF FOR A SECOND.
HE WAS ASLEEP LONG ENOUGH TO BE HAND DRAWN.
( LAUGHTER )
SEE IF IT FOGS UP A LITTLE BIT.
THE SKETCH ARTISTS GOT IMAGES OF ALL THE MAIN CHARACTERS,
INCLUDING THIS GENEROUS DEPICTION OF MITCH McCONNELL
AND CHUCK SCHUMER.
AND LOOK NEXT TO SCHUMER'S DESK.
THEY HAVE A SPITTOON!
THEY HAVE TO.
IT'S FOR AMY KLOBUCHAR.
SHE CAN MAKE THAT SUCKER RING FROM 50 FEET OUT.
"POINT OF ORDER!" ( PING )
>> Stephen: THANK YOU, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
BUT THE SKETCH ARTIST DID TAKE SOME LIBERTIES, LIKE THIS
PICTURE OF MARCO RUBIO WRITING WITH A QUILL PEN.
( LAUGHTER )
>> Jon: WOW.
>> Stephen: IT SEEMS WEIRD, WHICH IS WHY RUBIO'S OFFICE TOLD
REPORTERS THAT HE DOES NOT USE QUILL PENS.
SO THAT MEANS THE SKETCH ARTIST CAN JUST MAKE THINGS UP?
THAT EXPLAINS THIS RENDERING OF SENATOR DIANNE FEINSTEIN.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
JOHN MULANEY IS HERE.
WHEN WE RETURN, I'L BE RIGHT HERE WITH MORE MONOLOGUE.
THERE'S JUST TOO MUCH MONOLOGUE.