My next guest is hilarious.
I love her so much.
She's one of my and Dakota Johnson's favorite comedians.
Please welcome Tig Notaro.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[APPLAUSE]
Oh, cheers.
Happy holidays to you.
Happy holidays.
Thanks for being here.
Last minute, we called you because I wanted to have you
on because I love you.
And there's a story that you'd never told.
First of all, we have to talk about Under A Rock.
Sorry I touched you.
I always--
[LAUGHTER]
Under A Rock, your talk show, is streaming second season
on Funny or Die.
It's very-- are you having fun?
You stopped before you said very funny.
It's very funny.
Thank you.
Are you having fun?
I'm having a great time.
Good.
Second season?
Second season.
And now there's something else that we
might be doing together that--
I know.
I can't wait.
Yep, all right.
It's only you that I point to like that a lot.
It's whenever you're here.
And then we hold-- oh, that's your hand.
She kissed her own hand.
[LAUGHTER]
All right, so-- you have to tell the story about the roommate
that you had.
I don't remember when it was.
But the roommate you had and the whole peanut butter thing.
Did I tell you that story.
You told me, yes.
It's very funny.
Wait, are you being serious?
Yeah.
No, this is a bit.
[LAUGHS]
Well, you're not helping the bit if it is.
I remember the story now.
I had a roommate that loved peanut butter.
Right, that's the story.
That was the end of it?
No, no, the whole story.
Oh my God.
That was the punch line.
You went right to the punch line.
But tell the middle part.
I don't know how to tell a joke or a story.
But I-- this guy loved--
It was a woman.
[LAUGHTER]
It started out as a guy, became a woman.
Remember that?
You're so bad at that.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
(SINGING) It's the most wonderful time of the year.
With the kids jingle belling and everyone telling you
be of good cheer, it's the most wonderful time of the year.
It's the happ-- happiest season of all.
Am I ruining everything?
(SINGING) With those holiday greetings
and gay happy meetings--
Day three is all about some of the hottest gadgets
this holiday season.
And when I think of hot gadgets, I immediately think of Tig.
[LAUGHTER]
Weird, I think of George Foreman.
Huh.
Let's see how good you are at this, Tig.
If I wanted to make a milkshake to bring
all the boys to the yard, what would
be the best gadget to use?
Well, Ellen, I know you do love to bring
all the boys to the yard.
[LAUGHTER]
The new Calphalon ActiveSense Blender
can blend anything from milkshakes to salsa, Ellen,
to your morning juice.
It features technology that adjusts
blades speed direction and the time for perfect results.
What?
You're all getting this Calphalon Blender.
[CHEERING]
That was really good, Tig.
Now, let's see if you can solve my need for music in the house.
Sure, Ellen.
But I don't know why I have to solve all of your problems.
[LAUGHTER]
Como Audio offers beautifully designed portable, multi room
Wi-Fi audio for indoor, outdoor, anytime, or anywhere music.
Connect to everything you need, Ellen--
streaming internet, FM, Bluetooth, and Spotify
all with the touch of a button.
What?
You're all getting this $400 [INAUDIBLE] speaker.
[CHEERING]
Hey, Tig.
Hey.
Don't you hate it when you're at the mall and you come out
and you see someone's hit your car.
And you think what if my car had a camera that
recorded the accident so I could find out who hit me
and sue them?
Well, Ellen, those are very specific circumstances.
And I can't believe this gift even exists.
But the Nextbase Dash is a camera
that you put in your car.
Ellen, it's the ultimate co-pilot
because it keeps your family safe
and gives you crystal clear footage in case of an accident.
What did The New York Times say?
Well, I'm about to tell you.
[LAUGHTER]
Ellen, The New York Times awarded it the best dash cam.
And it has built-in Alexa, emergency SOS,
and intelligent parking.
You're all getting a dash cam and a $300 Best Buy gift card.
[CHEERING]
Here?
No, no, back over here.
Oh, OK.
Tig--
We don't have time for silliness.
Tig, this next gift really sucks, but in a good way.
It sure does, Ellen.
The PURE ONE S12 Plus is the first cordless vacuum
with a sensor that can detect dust levels and suction power.
Ellen, it allows for a deeper, longer, and smarter cleaning
with less effort.
Ellen, it even sends alerts to your phone, to your landline,
to let you know when it's running low on battery.
What can't this thing do?
Tig, I love when you say my name that often.
I love you, too, Ellen.
You're all getting this $600 Tineco vacuum.
[CHEERING]
The greatest comedy duo ever.
Ever.
Hey, Tig.
Yeah, Ellen.
How do you like to-- come here.
Not with the vacuum.
OK, you can keep it.
How do you like to unwind?
Ellen, I have two kids.
So like any parent, I like to unload them on a--
[LAUGHTER]
--family member and high tail it to Vegas.
You know that.
[CHEERING]
But where?
Wait?
Where?
Vegas.
This resort has first--
has a world class dining, including
restaurants by celebrity chefs like Bobby Flay, Ellen.
They also have the brand new bohemian style
spa featuring a variety of treatments to relax and unwind,
Ellen.
Along with massage treatments and a dinner for two,
you're all getting a three day, two night
stay at the Palms Casino Resort.
[CHEERING]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
(SINGING) It's the most wonderful time of the year.
With the kids jingle belling and everyone telling you be of good
cheer, it's the most --
Be kind to one another.
Bye-bye.
(SINGING) It's the happ-- happiest season of all.
With those holiday greetings and gay--
Hi, I'm Andy.
Ellen asked me to remind you to subscribe to her channel
so you can see more awesome videos,
like videos of me getting scared or saying embarrassing things,
like ball peen hammer, and also some videos of Ellen
and other celebrities, if you're into that sort of thing.
[SCREAMS]
[BLEEP] God!
[BLEEP]
[MUSIC PLAYING]