A new California law allows college athletes to earn money
-for their names, images and likeness. -(one person clapping)
-This guy again? -(laughter)
The Bieber wedding guy?
Is this fair? By the way, you don't need to...
say "image" and "likeness."
-It's the same thing. -OSWALT: Yeah.
-Basically, right? -Yeah. I'm gonna...
I'm really just gonna miss the good old days,
when these players had to pretend they were broke
while driving back to their dorm room in their Escalade.
(laughter)
-It seems so dated. -Yeah.
And also, you know, keep in mind,
this is not gonna change anything
for, like, the shot put guys and the golfers.
-(laughter) -It's going to be the football player who...
look, if I'm gonna turn my knees into pudding by the time I'm 23,
I'd better have my face on a commuter coffee mug, you know?
-(laughter) -Have some justice, please.
-The javelin guy... -Yeah.
is putting money on a house right now, he's like,
"Wait, whoa, whoa, where is that?"
Well, it's only in California,
so California's winning right now.
Weed's legal, white girls in abundance,
and now they're paying college athletes...
(laughter, applause, cheering)
I like that.
Nobody's going to the University of Minnesota ever again.
-(laughter) -Yeah.
Now, when you played Rudy, um...
-(laughter) -I'm kidding.
And I have to say, I thought this part was weird.
The governor, Gavin Newsom, he signed this bill
on LeBron's TV show in that barbershop.
-ROCK: Yeah. -I thought that was so odd,
that he actually physically signed it there.
-He wants people to know. -Yeah, that's true.
You're not going to his press conference.
-(laughter) -That is true.
I guess that's true, 'cause I thought it was a little thirsty.
Like, uh, that they could talk all...
but literally, like, he's like...
I go, "Oh." I thought, "Thirsty alert."
-Oh, yeah. -But maybe-maybe not.
I don't know. I was just bragging that I have HBO.
All right, uh, Baby Driver star, Ansel Elgort...
should be changing his name, but what he did is, he...
said he wants to o... have an open relationship
with more platonic female friends
in addition to his girlfriend.
Why? Is there not enough people
telling him about the dream they had last night?
-OSWALT: Yeah. -(laughter)
Yeah, an open... does he know what an open relationship is?
Because "platonic female friends"
just means you have friends who are women.
If you're gonna go open relationship,
to full Carrie Fisher and just, you know, live it up, man.
-(laughter) -SPADE: Yeah.
-This is how it starts. -Yeah, yeah.
-Oh, he's easing... -It's a gateway drug.
You ask... you ask David,
David says the same thing every three months
since your second season of SNL.
(laughter)
Uh, but if I... if you hammered out
-an open, uh, marriage clause... -Yeah.
I wouldn't just be buddies with everybody.
-That's how you talk her into it. -Oh, yeah? Okay.
No, this is, like, a Jedi mind trick.
He's gonna get so much pussy thrown at him because of this.
It's like, "I don't want to have sex with you.
I just want to be your friend. I don't want..."
It's, like, he's just... It's like Yoda.
He's doing the, you know, "I don't want to have sex with you.
This isn't the dick you're looking for."
-And they wanna... -(laughter)
And then he's gonna start, "Okay, I gotta,
I gotta give it to you, I gotta give it to you."
It's genius!
Pretty soon they're like, "Wait, what happened?"
Yeah, I get it.
(laughs): That's a...
Well, you'll know it succeeds if "Elgort" becomes the slang
for an open relationship, people are like,
"Hey, can we... could we maybe Elgort this a little bit?"
(laughter)
Well, I guess people can be friends.
When, uh, what did you do when you heard Harvey Weinstein
-was seeing other plants? -(laughter)
-It was tough. -Lauren was caught up
-in the, uh, Weinstein situation with a plant. -Yeah.
-But, uh, we're past that. -Yeah. I mean,
luckily for me, the plant really won that.
(laughter)
-The plant got the worst of it? -Yeah.
I was happy, happy to hand that over.
All right. In overreacting news,
a vegan British woman said she was served a pork sausage roll
that she thought was meat-free.
She hadn't eaten meat in, uh, two years,
and claimed her belly hurt and her heart was going crazy.
Was she sick, or did she just have energy for the first time?
-(laughter) -SIVAN: Right.
-Well, it's called a pork roll. -Yeah.
-Check it out. -I feel the same way
-when I eat vegan food. -Yeah. -(laughter)
Trust me, the... the woman who ordered the pork roll
and got the vegan roll just joined ISIS.
-She is traumatized. -SIVAN: That's trauma.
So yeah, don't... yeah, calm down.
I was also traumatized the first time I had a sausage roll,
but mostly 'cause he called it his "sausage roll."
-(laughter, groans) -It's a bad name.
That's a bad name.
(laughter and applause)
It's the first time that girl's had meat inside her for a while.
That's for sure.
-All dirty jokes. -OSWALT: Yeah.
Uh, anyway, if you ask me, uh,
and I'm gonna tell you about my meat pie or my hot dog,
you know what you're getting.
You don't have to be from jolly old England.