Okay, this is a good challenge today. How can I help my moody teenager stay calm?
The four steps that I have for you today will put you in a position of greater peace and hopefully
that will translate to your teen as well. Stick through to the end, I've got some special content
for you there. How can I help a moody teenager stay calm? Okay, we can make this video really
short, you can't sorry. I'm just kidding you stick with me there's some things you can do but
actually let's consider that for a minute. Do you have the control over that? No, you don't. They do
but they don't always exercise that control and that can be frustrating to us as parents.
So, knowing that we can't actually control them like they're little puppets or marionettes.
Let's get back to what we can control and the most
important step that I want to share with you here today is to stay calm yourself.
Stay calm yourself, do not allow their moodiness to tip you over. There's a couple of reasons for that.
Obviously, your own emotional well-being I have in mind here. I want you to be as sane and stable
as possible. But the other thing is when we allow our teenager's mood to affect ours it places an
unnecessary burden of responsibility on them. They become responsible for our feelings or at least
they start to feel responsible for our feelings and that gets messy really fast. We've got to be
careful to take care of ourselves here and it's even more important if we have a moody teenager.
So, figure out whatever you have to do for your self-care. We've got other videos that can help
you with that, we're not going to leave you hanging. But that is so important when we're trying to help
a moody teenager stay calm. For our second step, we're going to go to communication. Keep those
lines of communication open. This can be especially challenging with a teenager. Maybe you've
experienced it. Your teenager comes home from school you're like, "Hi Honey, how was school today?",
and the answer is "..." they don't even articulate. You kind of know what they're saying... But it
doesn't even always get articulated right. Have you heard that answer or they drop the f-bomb on you?
"Fine", really that's kind of non-information too. You're not getting anything out of them.
This is typical for teenagers. So, don't worry too much about it if that's the kind of response
you're getting from your teen. To keep the lines of communication open our job is first to listen
to understand and that can be challenging when they're not offering a lot of information.
So, let's start out by asking more open questions instead of the closed questions. Now, there's
difference between open and closed. If you think of open as it opens up the conversation as opposed to
close which closes it down and asking a question that can be answered with one syllable or one word
is a closed question. We want to open them up. So here's an example of a closed question.
"Did you have fun at school today?", "Yeah, no..." See, they can answer that with the little one phrase
and we're done, closed right? Instead of that, let's change the wording, "Hey, tell me about school?".
Now, you might still get the one-word response but at least your side of the conversation is opening
the doors to more communication. Tell me about something that's an open question. "Hey, I heard that
[such and such] happened today, tell me more about that." Okay, so tell me about it, tell
me more about that, help me to understand, that's another example. Help me to understand
this thing that's going on with whatever. Let me find a real example for you, "You really
like that new song, I've noticed that you've been listening to it. Help me to understand what it
is that you like so much about it?". Okay, we're opening it up, we're opening that conversation.
Think of it as opening instead of closing that's going to help. Now, let's go to the listening
for a minute. Listening is probably the most important skill you can develop in communication
and I teach this to sales teams and customer service teams in the trainings that I do.
This is especially effective with your kids. The concept I share with these groups and that I want
to share with you here today is called, reflective listening. Reflective, like a mirror. If you had a
mirror and you held it up it would reflect back to the person you're holding it in front of their own
image, right? In reflective listening it's like you're holding up a little listening mirror
and you're reflecting back to them exactly what you're hearing and understanding.
You'll know you're doing it right when you use phrases like this, "Oh, so what you're saying is?",
and then you give it back to them in a way that they will recognize it as what they actually said.
Now if you get any resistance no that's not what I meant. Then listen some more and then reflect it
back again. Oh okay, so what you really mean is and then you give it back to them, not with any spin.
Don't put your spin on it that'll spoil it. Just give it back to them in the way that they will
recognize it, are you on this? Reflective listening huge. Here's your third step and I probably
shouldn't even say that it's the third step because this is something you can do first if you
want to. These aren't necessarily in any particular order. This is powerful and to understand this next
step you need to understand also what's important to teenagers. Psychologically, they're going through
some developmental stages that can be very very challenging and they tend to have a lot
of self-doubts, self-criticism, self-hate, sometimes. This creates a lot of problems for teenagers but
it also gives us a little clue as to a strategy we can employ as parents. Here it is, choose
to enjoy them. I said that on purpose every word that I just shared with you is important, choose...
Most people don't see it as a choice, they honestly don't. They just say, "I really don't enjoy my teen",
and my thought is, "Well, then enjoy them." But they don't see it as a choice and until you see
it as a choice it's not. The reason you're not enjoying your teen is because you're having some
interactions that are unpleasant or they're doing things that you don't approve of. Think about it,
you've got all these reasons that you give for not enjoying your teen. Maybe they're treating
you with disrespect. Whatever it is, we've got to rise above whatever the context is around our
not liking our team not enjoying our team and see that we've got a choice. Here's a powerful little
exercise that you can do it's so simple but it's powerful. Say this, say it right now, say it with me.
"I choose to enjoy my teenager", say try it again. "I choose to enjoy my teenager." How did that feel?
I mean, besides goofy and awkward. Does that feel empowering to you? Most parents that I do this with
it's like, "What? I can do that? I can choose to enjoy my teen?". I've worked with hundreds maybe thousands
of teens by this point in my career and I know, I know for sure when I choose to enjoy them I have
more influence with them. They like me more, they respect me more. There's something magical about it.
Choose to enjoy your teen. There's some psychological tricks you can do.
You'll have to get past some of the things that you think are causing you not to enjoy
your teen and choose to enjoy them anyway. One way you can do this see yourself as an observer.
You're not in charge of or responsible for their life and their choices they are. When you see
yourself as an observer you can become a raving fan of this young person who is doing their best
to try to negotiate their life and as you sit on the sidelines and you cheer them on,
realize that you're not controlling everything about their life.
But you can choose to enjoy them. Hey, just a quick little side note, I'm so glad that you're here.
We're here to support you. Click on that subscribe button and we'll keep the videos coming.
Here's the last strategy for today and it has to do with your job as a parent. What is your job?
If you've been here on the channel very long or if you've watched any of our other positive parenting
videos you already know the answer to this and you're probably already saying it. For those of
you who are new your job is to love them. No matter what and even if. I get to play the even if game
with parents all the time in my office or on our coaching calls. Even if they hate your guts?
Yeah, your job is to love them even if they hate your guts. Even if they don't do what you say?
Oh, you've tried that one. Yeah, even if they don't do what you say. Even if they destroy your home? Even
if they steal your money? Even if they end up in jail or strung out on drugs or whatever? Yes,
even if... no matter what and even if. Drum this into your head because this is your job as a parent.
Look, you don't control all of the outcomes. If you think your job is to make sure that they
anything. You're going to feel frustrated, angry, and resentful. Those are three feelings I ask parents
to look for all the time. If you're feeling frustration, anger, resentment, it's a signal
to you that you forgot what your job is and you will feel frustrated if you think your job is to
make sure that they do something that you have absolutely no control over, that's up to them.
It's not your job to make sure that your kids are happy, that's their job. Your job is to love them
no matter what and even if. This is the bonus that I was talking about
upfront. Because whether your teenager continues to be moody or not
is largely up to them. You can help them with the other three strategies that I already shared with
you on this video. When you remember that your job is solely to love them no matter what and even if
you get to experience some peace. Which helps you to do the first strategy to stay calm yourself.
All of this is tied together that's the bonus material. When you understand that, it empowers you
as a positive parent. There's a lot to keep track of especially when we're parenting teens because
they are kind of challenging from time to time. I'm not going to leave you hanging there's five things
you need to know as the parent of a teenager. Click on that video next and we will power you up.