And I've got some good news and some bad news.
The good news is that racism, sexism, and homophobia
will soon cease to exist.
The bad news is we're all gonna die.
Scientists at the U.N. right now projecting
a full-blown global crisis by 2040
with the Earth getting way hotter
way faster than the science showed even a few years ago.
Yes, everyone's gonna die,
except for those people who live underground,
the mole people with their spicy food and their squinty eyes.
Sure, you might defend them,
but would you let your daughter marry one?
Okay, scientists, let's just rip the Band-Aid off.
What are we in for?
Man: Countries already hit by hurricanes
face ever greater storms.
A single-degree temperature increase
could eliminate fresh water from 1/3 of the planet.
At a two-degree rise, people begin to die
in what are now considered normal summers.
1/3 of all life on Earth faces extinction.
Yeah, that's right. The Earth is flat.
If those mole people dig a bit deeper,
that'll be the end of 'em!
Floating around the atmosphere,
opening dry cleaners as they do.
A rise of just two degrees, and all that destruction.
But I have a plan!
Everyone who has air-conditioning,
turn it on right now
and open your fridges up and push them towards the window,
and let's save the planet together!
The study was issued by
United Nations Panel on Climate Change,
and it's hundreds of pages long.
Of course, they know their audience,
so the report is full of pretty pictures,
but that wasn't enough for the President.
[ Helicopter blades whirring ]
If you're gonna deny climate change,
at least have the decency to turn your helicopter off.
[ Laughter ]
Yes, Trump can give all kinds of reports.
This report is drawn by a group
of internationally respected scientists.
Bad.
This one was drawn by Jared Kushner. Good!
[ Laughter ]
On "60 Minutes" this week, Trump elaborated
on his insane views about global warming.
Do you still think that climate change is a hoax?
Look, I think something's happening, something's changing,
and it'll change back again.
I'm not denying climate change, but it could very well go back.
Whatever hair the two of them have,
it clearly comes from the same animal.
[ Laughter ]
Come on, Donald!
You of all people should know
that no catastrophe suddenly changes back.
You've fathered at least three of them.
[ Laughter ]
Some Republicans
continue to insist climate change isn't real,
but the real hoax is Republicans pretending it's a hoax.
They know the science is real.
They're just making so much money, they don't give a shit.
Man: Texas Republican Lamar Smith
is the chair of the House Science Committee
and has received more than $600,000
from the oil and gas industry.
Inhofe's biggest funders include ExxonMobil and Koch Industries.
What are they gonna do with all this money
when the world is ending?
You can't eat money.
Unless they're chocolate coins,
but that'll be difficult with the rising temperatures.
That's why they keep it in Swiss bank accounts.
See, because the temperature's colder in Switzerland,
plus they have the money and they're involved in chocolate.
That joke's amazing.
[ Laughter ]
But there's no doubt that we're in trouble,
but finding a solution is difficult because it's tough
for people to focus when you tell them they're all gonna die.
Leiserowitz: Climate change is the policy problem from hell.
You almost couldn't design a worse problem as a fit
with our underlying psychology
or the way our institutions make decisions.
Because when I feel fearful or guiltful,
I will withdraw from the issue
and I'll try to think about something else
that makes me feel better.
Of course! No one wants to talk about climate change.
Imminent death is too scary to contemplate.
If you told me that I and everyone I ever met
is going to die a fiery death, my first thought wouldn't be,
"Ooh, I'd better bring my own grocery bags to the store."
It would be more like,
"Well, I have been meaning to try heroin."
[ Laughter ]
The problem of climate change is just too big and overwhelming.
How can we possibly deal with a threat to our lives,
our kids' lives, our grandkids' lives, our great-grandkids?
Honestly, I don't give a [bleep] about my great-grandkids.
I don't know them personally.
Out of sight, out of mind.
If my kids' kids' kids want to have babies
in a climate-ravaged "Mad Max" wasteland,
they can go for it.
Hopefully, they'll have gills
so they can breathe as they swim to school.
But I just don't have the brain space
to worry about my freak-fish great-grandson.
So...how do we get our government to act?
Obviously, the only way is to get Trump's attention
with more pictures, so I drew a few
to help illustrate the dangers of climate change.
First, Mr. President,
with all the refugees created by global warming,
poor people will have to stay at Trump Hotels
with their disgusting, unwashed faces and their hands.
As the weather gets more severe,
if you think Stormy Daniels is a problem,
wait until she's upgraded to Hurricane Daniels.
And eventually, Russian prostitutes
will be too dehydrated to piss on a mattress!
We got to put these pictures on the side of chicken buckets
until he gets the message!