Hey everyone, and welcome to TopThink. Today, we will learn about twelve signs you’re manipulative
without even realizing it. Now, let’s begin.
How do you know if you are a manipulative person?
Manipulation is something we associate with the worst kinds of people — psychopaths,
narcissists, people who mercilessly take advantage of others for personal gain.
While it’s true that manipulation is common among dark, toxic personalities,
it’s not always a sign that you or someone you know is cruel, unhealthy, or evil. If you look
closely at your behavior, you might discover that manipulation is part of your everyday life.
We all learn, one way or another, that we can manipulate people to get what we
want. For many people, manipulative tactics feel like necessary tools to gain influence,
get their point across, or resolve conflicts. Of course, you don’t call it “manipulation.” Instead,
we know it by other names, like persuasion, debate, or social mindfulness. But if you take
a moment to isolate and analyze these everyday behaviors, you might realize something no one
wants to admit… you are manipulating people almost every day, whether you realize it or not.
Before we get any further into this video, let’s get something straight. We are all like guilty
of some kind of manipulation. You might have taken advantage of someone in the workplace to get a leg
up on the competition. You might have persuaded someone to give away secrets or break promises for
your benefit. For whatever reason, you have used manipulative tactics at some point in your life,
but does that make all of us bad people? When it comes to manipulation, it’s critical to
consider someone’s intention. While manipulation for the right reasons is still manipulation,
there’s a big difference in what those tactics say about your character. Chances are you,
like many people, have manipulated someone without realizing what you did or why you did it. So,
now you want to know: am I a manipulative person? And if so, am I doing it for the right reasons?
In this video, we’re going to cover twelve common signs of manipulation. Listen closely
to every sign on this list, and make sure you’re as honest with yourself as possible.
By the end of this video, you might discover… that you’re more manipulative than you think.
1. Innocent Suggestions Manipulative people may
disguise their wants and needs as innocent suggestions. For example, let’s say you and
your friend are going to the movies. You want to see a specific film, but your friend doesn’t
share the same opinion. You say that you’re okay with seeing either one, but deep down,
your mind is already made up. So, what do you do? If you’re a manipulative person, you might say
something like, “That movie sounds okay, but would you like to see this one instead?” We use
these kinds of statements to subtly influence the opinions of the people around us. You may
not realize you’re doing it, but your innocent suggestions aren’t as innocent as they seem.
2. Playing the Martyr When a manipulative person is inconvenienced,
they often act like they are doing the entire world a favor. For instance, if someone forgets
to take out the trash, you might announce to everyone in the room, “I guess I’ll take out
the trash again.” You make statements like these to make others feel indebted to you for your
actions. You want them to feel guilty for putting you in that position, forcing them to think twice
about inconveniencing you in the future. This is colloquially known as “playing the
martyr.” You’re pretending to make a huge sacrifice. But in reality,
you’re doing something anybody could do. No matter what burdens fall on your shoulders,
advertising your sacrifices, or playing the martyr, is more manipulative than you realize.
3. The Burden of Blame
Do you have a hard time owning up to your mistakes? When you do something wrong, you
rarely fess up and apologize. Instead, you look for ways to blame your mistakes on other people
or outside circumstances, even going so far as to fabricate excuses that don’t make a lot of sense.
For example, you might blame your friend or partner for ruining your presentation at work.
You both know they didn’t do anything wrong. You just need someone to blame.
4. Stubborn Demands
Do you have to get your way? Manipulative people expect others to make sacrifices for them,
stubbornly clinging to their wants and needs without realizing how their stubbornness
affects the people around them. In your mind, you may think you’re being reasonable. You may
think deserve to get whatever you need. But the truth is that you’re putting your
needs in front of everyone else’s, and that makes you a manipulative person.
5. Indirect Control You, like many people,
may have a hard time surrendering control. You want to make every decision, whether it or not it
is yours to make because at the end of the day, you think you know what is best for everybody.
So, you make a habit of subtly nudging people in one direction or the other.
For example, if you have a friend whom you think is lazy or unfulfilled, you might subtly encourage
them to apply for more jobs. If they receive a job offer but don’t want to take it, you might
convince them otherwise, without considering whether it would make them happy. Even though
you’re trying to make this person’s life better by your standards, controlling anyone’s decisions is
more manipulative than you realize. 6. Memory Lapses
Here’s a manipulative tactic many people use without realizing what they’re doing wrong.
Let’s say your roommate asks you to wash the dishes. You say that you will,
but as the days go by, the chore never gets done. You continuously stall, procrastinate,
and conveniently forget to wash the dishes until finally, your roommate washes them for you.
You might not think of this as a type of manipulation, but “forgetting” to do
things is more coercive than you realize. If you wait long enough, most people will get tired and
do it themselves, and that lets you off the hook. Not only is this behavior frustrating
for the people around you, but it’s a sign that you’re secretly a master manipulator.
7. Emotional Projection Do you ever confuse other people’s
emotions with your own? There’s a common term in psychology called “emotional projection,” which
means to displace your feelings onto someone else. For instance, if you’re feeling insecure about
your appearance, you might accuse your friend or partner of having the same insecurities.
This behavior is a common form of gaslighting, a tactic that some manipulative people to make
people question their judgment. If you tell someone repeatedly that they are feeling a
certain way, eventually they will become confused about how they really feel. If you’ve ever been
accused of projecting your emotions or frequently misunderstanding the feelings of others, you might
be gaslighting people more often than you realize. 8. The Illusion of Choice
Do you ever ask people questions, even though you’ve already made up your mind?
You might say something like, “It’s totally up to you, but I was thinking we could do this today.”
At face value, you’re giving them a choice, but you and I both know your mind is made up.
You may not realize it, but statements like these limit other person's options
by creating a sense of obligation. Either they agree with what you say,
or they feel like a bad person. It seems like they have a choice but really it’s just an illusion.
9. Lingering Guilt Guilt is a powerful tool for manipulative people,
used to control people’s choices and emotions by making them feel like they owe you something.
There are many ways to create guilt but resurfacing old problems may be the most common. A
manipulative person will bring up broken promises, old arguments, and embarrassing mistakes. You may
think you’re just being funny or giving them a hard time, but what you’re really doing is
creating guilt and lowering their self-esteem. In healthy friendships and relationships,
no one is keeping score or holding problems above each other’s heads. Not only is this
behavior frustrating and unfair, but it’s far more manipulative than you realize.
10. Passive-Aggression
Have people ever told you that you are passive-aggressive?
Passive-aggressive behavior is a common tool used by manipulators to express anger and frustration.
Oftentimes, you want someone to rectify a problem on their own — or perhaps read your mind.
So, instead of voicing your frustrations, you drop passive-aggressive hints until
they fix their mistakes. Unfortunately, is neither helpful nor constructive.
Sly remarks, backhanded comments, and other forms of passive aggression create emotional distress,
confusion, and self-doubt. They force people to second-guess their decisions,
damage their self-esteem and, in some cases, create unnecessary conflict.
11. Acts of Punishment Manipulative people find small ways to punish or
get revenge on anyone who does not bend to their needs. Let’s say a friend refuses to do you a
favor. You might punish them by giving them silent treatment or talking behind their back. You may
think they deserve it, but punishment and revenge are never as helpful or constructive as you think.
Not only are you creating unnecessary conflicts in your relationship, but you’re making it harder for
both of you to forgive and move on. 12. The Power of Silence
Some people can manipulate others without uttering a word. Giving someone the silent treatment,
for example, makes people feel like they’ve said or done something wrong. If you stay quiet
long enough, most people will assume the worst, apologize, and find ways to make it up to you.
But, at the same time, silence drives people crazy with worry and self-doubt, often shattering
trust and creating emotional distress. Next time you give someone the silent treatment,
think about how you’re making them feel. You may think they’re getting what they deserve, but
manipulation and punishment are never the answer. Thank you for watching TopThink and be
sure to subscribe because more incredible content is on the way.