-Welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show."
[ Cheers and applause ]
Well, guys, some big news out of Washington today.
House Democrats sent former President Trump
a letter inviting him to testify under oath
at his impeachment trial.
There's no way Trump's going to Washington.
In fact, Trump's lawyers already called this a publicity stunt,
which backfired when Trump was like, "Okay, now I'm in."
And get this -- after the Screen Actors Guild
criticized Trump last month,
today he sent a letter saying that he's quitting the union.
Yep. [ Laughter ]
Trump's out of work and just quit his union.
Even worse, now if he wants medical coverage,
he's got to sign up for Obamacare.
I mean, it just keeps -- It just keeps going.
It's like, "Oh, my God."
Meanwhile, Melania heard and was like, "Um, Donald,
while we're on the subject of leaving unions..."
[ Clears throat ]
But check this out. In the letter,
Trump actually bragged about his acting credits.
This is real. He wrote, "I'm very proud of my work
on movies such as 'Home Alone 2,' 'Zoolander,'
and 'Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps'
and television shows including The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.'"
One day, you're the most powerful man on Earth.
The next, you're bragging about your one line
in "Home Alone 2."
[ Laughter ]
I forgot Trump was on "Fresh Prince."
It turns out he was the third Aunt Viv.
[ Laughter ]
Well, guys, the Super Bowl is just a few days away,
but if you're thinking of throwing a party on Sunday,
you might want to listen to what Dr. Fauci has to say.
-Absolutely not.
I mean, watch the Super Bowl on TV, enjoy it,
have a party in your house with your family.
So, as difficult as that is, at least this time around,
just lay low and cool it.
-Fauci was like, "This is about public health
and definitely not because it's Thursday
and I still haven't been invited to one.
Just want to make that clear.
But had I been or have I been, I would not go.
Of course not."
Listen to this, guys. I read that if the Buccaneers
win on Sunday, Tom Brady will get
a $500,000 bonus.
When he heard that, Brady was like, "Golly.
I better start practicing."
[ Laughter ]
It's a $500,000 "incentive."
I don't even understand why they do this.
Who needs an incentive to try and win the Super Bowl?
It's like, "All right. Now I'll try."
When asked why he had that added to his contract,
Brady said...
"Because it's funny."
[ Laughter ]
Get this. Down in Tampa, the local news decided
to talk to a 99-year-old Buccaneers fan.
She's pretty fired up about the game. Watch this.
-The Bucs is the ones that I love.
Tom Brady. We did it. We kicked [bleep].
Now Patrick is coming to our house to get his [bleep] kicked.
[ Laughter ]
The news anchor was like, "Wow. I did not think
that we needed the bleep button for that segment, but, okay."
Yeah, she and Tom go way back.
She was actually a Patriots cheerleader
during his rookie season.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, she's the only fan of the Buccaneers
who knew actual buccaneers.
This is interesting. I heard that each year
a handful of Super Bowl commercials
are rejected by TV networks. Either they're too controversial
or just not right for the big game.
We got our hands on one of them, and you can see
why it didn't make it, I think.
Take a look.
-Clydesdales. Powerful. Mighty.
And now available
in every scoop of tuna at Subway.
[ Laughter ]
-That is awful. That is awful. That is terr-- That is --
That should not -- That should not air.
That should not air on television.
I agree. Good for them. That's terrible.
-Oh, my God.
[ Laughter ]
-Check this out. In Saudi Arabia,
there's a roller coaster that's opening in 2023
that will travel more than 155 miles per hour.
And they released a simulation video.
This is real. Watch this.
[ Riders screaming ]
♪♪
You know it's an insane idea when even the simulated people
are screaming.
[ Laughter ]
Listen to this. I read about a man in Florida
who was caught trying to board a flight
with 22 pounds of meth in his luggage.
Yeah, luggage with 22 pounds of meth,
or, as it's known in Florida, luggage.
There you go.
[ Applause ] Thank you.
And, finally, as I said before, the Super Bowl is this Sunday
with the Kansas City Chiefs taking on the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.
Now, as you know, after the game,
they give out awards like Most Valuable Player,
but they also give out awards before the game.
I'll show you what I mean.
It's time for "Tonight Show Superlatives."
-♪ Tonight Show Superlatives ♪
♪♪
Our first player is Chiefs quarterback Patrick Mahomes.
He was voted...
Next up from the Chiefs is linebacker Ben Niemann.
He was voted...
Oh, that's...
Here's Bucs tight end Rob Gronkowski.
He was voted...
Next up from the Bucs is wide receiver Mike Evans.
He was voted...
[ Laughter ]
Up next is Chiefs' Nick Allegretti. He was voted...
[ Laughter ]
Up next from the Bucs is Ross Cockrell.
He was voted...
Achoo!
Next from the Bucs is Blaine Gabbert. He was voted...
And, finally, from the Bucs is Tom Brady. He was voted...
There you go. Those are Super Bowl Superlatives.