There once was a sickly child born with debilitating asthma
His palms were sweaty, knees weak, arms were heavy
There was vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
That kid decided to bulk up and train for the rest of his life so that he wouldn't be a wimp
His name? Theodore Roosevelt, the youngest president in the history of the U.S.
After graduating from Harvard, Roosevelt started making a name for himself
By openly fighting corruption in the state of New York
Everything was going his way when both his wife and his mother died on the same day
Now, most people would just roll up in a fetus position, cry and possibly OD on Prozac
But most people are sissies!
Teddy chose to go Clint Eastwood mode and traveled west to become a cowboy for two years
When he returned, Teddy was appointed the police commissioner
If you were a policeman at the time, Teddy was a real pain-in-the-ass boss to have
He brought in physical exams, as if it was important to be in shape
He’d also go outside at night and see if you were sleeping on duty
It was at this time that one of the policemen coined the phrase: “C’mon bruh…”
Afterwards, Roosevelt was appointed the Main Navy Dude. That was the official title
At the time, Spain was in charge of Cuba. There wasn't anything particularly wrong with that
Except for the fact that it would be better for the U.S. if, you know, they just weren't
Fortunately, an American ship stationed in Havana exploded, which was a great opportunity for Cuba
To get a taste of some good old American freedom
The president at the time decided to be diplomatic. He wanted to use words, what a p----
Roosevelt didn't really care though, and already gave out orders to prepare for the war without the president knowing
To be fair to Teddy, the war was bound to happen anyway, he just pushed it forward a little bit.
Now, as someone who believed that the greatest human virtue was physical bravery
Teddy was never gonna stay at home and change diapers while the men fought
Naturally, he formed his own regiment of volunteers and landed in Daiquiri, ready to rumble
The Spanish-American War ended successfully for the Americans, and Roosevelt was a sort of a national hero
He became famous for his charge up Kettle Hill. Teddy positioned himself in front of the soldiers and was like:
We need to do this. It will be amazing! Trust me, there’ll be like explosions, hot chicks
Loads of cash, you know, all that stuff!
And for some extra motivation, how about I shoot anyone who starts running away?
Teddy received the Medal of Honor for all this
When he returned, Teddy was extremely popular but his political views opposed
The leaders of the Republican Party at the time
So, they decided to name him Vice President, which, unlike today, was just a ceremonial position
Oh wait, it was exactly like today...
In hindsight though, they probably shouldn't have done that, since after the assassination of the president
Roosevelt automatically became the new president at the age of 42
As president, Roosevelt was pretty unique. He had quite a dictator-ish approach
And was meddling in all presidential and non-presidential decisions
For example, he wanted to influence the rules of football, he changed the designs of some coins he disliked
And wanted to change the spelling of around 300 words, for which he was mocked
According to Teddy, the word 'believe' has an unnecessary 'i' in it and, I mean...
I… I really don’t know what to think about that. Maybe? I don’t know...
Once president, Teddy went crazy with preserving nature. He created five national parks
And more than 200 national forests and animal reserves
All this was done simply by issuing an executive order
See, the first 25 presidents issued a total of 1.262 executive orders. Roosevelt alone issued 1.081
So, you know, he was quite a busy guy
Teddy was the first American president to receive a Nobel Peace Prize and he got it for stopping a war
Roosevelt organized peace talks and was responsible for the end of the Russo-Japanese War
I can’t really name a lot of people who received a medal for both being peaceful and for kicking ass in the war
President Teddy also wanted to make a canal that would connect the Pacific and Atlantic Oceans
He chose Panama for its destination. Panama at the time was a part of Colombia
Hey, I wanna build a canal across the whole length of your land
Yeah, the French already tried that, it’s not gonna work…
We can call it the Panama Canal
Not the greatest of names, but still, Colombia says no
And the canal will connect the two oceans together
It’s like you’re not even listening, bro, Colombia says- oh, wow, we’re a country now! Alright, that’s cool…
But wait a minute, what if Colombia decides to attack – daaamn that’s a lot of ships!
Jesus, dude! Okay, I guess we’re making a canal...
During his presidency, Roosevelt was close friends with Secretary of War, William Howard Taft
Teddy tutored Taft, despite their lifestyle differences. For example, Teddy was exercising his whole life
He loved to box even after it left him blind in one eye, a fact they, of course, hid from the public
On the other hand, Taft was shoving food in his mouth while Teddy talked
Working relentlessly on becoming fatter
Or - he was just disabled, depending on how many genders you believe there are
When Teddy’s second term was coming to an end, he publicly endorsed Taft and helped him become the new president
Roosevelt decided to distance himself and let Taft be his own man. He left for an African safari expedition
There, Teddy and his company killed more than 10.000 animals, including 1.000 large animals and 6 white rhinos
Those are the ones that you really shouldn't kill, not even back then
He shipped a lot of them back to America
When he returned, Teddy realized that, much like their eating habits, his and Taft’s politics differed
Since Taft was the Republican candidate, Teddy ran for president on his own
During the campaign, Roosevelt was shot in his chest before delivering a speech
I’d probably die just from knowing that I was shot, but that’s why I’m not Roosevelt
Teddy told doctors to back off, after all, he had a speech to make
After speaking for an hour and a half, yes, an hour and a half with a gunshot wound in his chest
He was like: “Alright, medics, you can help me now, I’m kind of dying over here”
And still, that wasn't enough to win
Woodrow Wilson won and Teddy wanted to run again but his health said no
At the age of 60, Theodore Roosevelt died in his sleep
"Death had to take Roosevelt sleeping, for if he had been awake, there would have been a fight."