- You need to give Uncle Rog a trigger warning.
Hiya he mess up, right?
So bad.
Even his hairline, trying to escape from him.
(loud beeping)
Hello, niece and nephew.
It's uncle Roger.
Today Uncle Roger have a very special guests with me.
Please welcome Aussie Man Review.
- Good day, how are you going Uncle Roger?
- Yes, today Uncle Roger and Aussie man
will review a video of all the cooking fail.
These people so bad at cooking,
but they record themselves cooking.
What a sad life.
- It is a sad fucking life.
- Okay.
Let's start video.
(loud static buzzing)
- [Aussie Man] Kapow, welcome to the kitchen.
Hey Rog, what are we looking at here?
- [Uncle Roger] Oh my God.
This guy is so drunk, his pasta is so soggy.
Wetter than Jamie Oliver's rice.
- [Aussie Man] Yeah, I'm about to yak.
- [Uncle Roger] What is yak mean?
- [Aussie Man] Yak means to puke.
- [Uncle Roger] Ah, vomiting.
- [Aussie Man] Yes, puke.
- [Uncle Roger] Yes, even camera man alcoholic,
also wobbling around.
- [Aussie Man] The shifty kid looks like
he wants to put his finger in the hot water.
- [Uncle Roger] Don't put finger in.
- [Aussie Man] He did it!
He regrets it, he instantly regrets it.
Oh!
Oh fuck me dead.
- He fucked up.
- [Aussie Man] What are your thoughts on flipping food mate?
- [Uncle Roger] Don't do it.
Don't do it.
- [Aussie Man] I agree, but he's done it.
- [Uncle Roger] And he fucked up.
- [Aussie Man] Yeah, I don't think you ever had faith
in this bloke, did you Uncle Rog?
- I don't know.
This guy looked very divorced.
You know, he living in caravan
and he have this fold up chair.
This is the chair you use
when your wife take all your furniture.
- [Aussie Man] Yeah with a bit of practice
maybe he could land that trick eventually.
Like I'm sure Tony Hawk never landed a 10-80 the first time.
- [Uncle Roger] I don't think we should compare
this guy to Tony Hawk.
Tony Hawk, so successful.
He got video game,
but this guy won't ever have a video game after him.
What are you going to call it?
Caravan Man Flipping Omelet.
That is not good video game.
- [Aussie Man] People would play it, I reckon.
I reckon people would pick that up.
You couldn't predict the crushing candy
was going to be a massive hit, but there you go.
- [Uncle Roger] True, true.
Maybe you are right.
- [Aussie Man] What about this fella?
- [Uncle Roger] This video okay 'cause he Asian.
Asian chef very good at fancy trick.
- [Aussie Man] This video is top notch so far.
There's no fuck ups.
It's one big eggy juggling win.
- [Uncle Roger] Wait, how he gonna crack the egg?
- [Aussie Man] Yeah, I'm waiting for the crack.
Ah! What a crack!
- [Uncle Roger] Even paint you heart
with egg white, so romantic.
- [Aussie Man] That is fair dinkum artistic as fuck.
What about this young bloke?
How's he going to go?
- [Uncle Roger] This video won't end well.
He not professional chef.
Yeah, he make mess everywhere.
Lost the egg and also his dignity, no cooking skill.
Fair dinkum.
- [Aussie Man] You just nailed the Aussie slang there,
Uncle Roger.
- [Uncle Roger] Escaping the scene, what a coward.
Trying to impress his date but too bad for you,
little nephew right here,
the date not gonna see you ever again
because you whack egg in her face.
- [Aussie Man] Speaking of Australia,
let's talk about barbecues.
- [Uncle Roger] Ooh sausage.
So tender.
So moist opposite of my ex wife.
- [Aussie Man] Ah, yeah.
The snagging a bun recipe is one of our greatest.
- Is barbecue very common in Australia?
- Yeah, absolutely.
They're everywhere.
- Oh.
- This is outside of hardware store.
- Outside hardware store you can get sausage?
- Yeah.
- That is so nice.
Sometime Uncle Roger wants to buy a hammer
and then I get hungry.
I think I should move to Australia.
- It's our version of street food.
- Oh, okay okay.
Not bad, not bad.
Uncle Roger prefer rice or noodle,
but I think sausage is okay.
Is this street food like Asian street food?
Like do you get food poisoning afterward?
- Occasionally, yeah.
You might get a bout of gastro.
- Okay.
That's how you know it's authentic.
Uncle Roger like.
- I knew you would!
Yeah it's super duper authentic.
They even started serving vegan sausages.
- Vegan?!
- [Aussie Man] Yep.
- Vegan?
I thought all Aussie a carnivore.
I know about shrimp on barbi, not bok choi on barbi.
- Oh well you know, I wouldn't stereotype us, mate.
Some Aussies are really cool headed, you know,
to respect a range of dietary options.
- Eating meat is what makes your country great.
- So I suppose I turn this video
into a fail then?
- Super fail.
I see barbecue, I excited,
and then you tell me it's barbecue vegetable.
Uh yeah, Uncle Roger don't like.
- [Aussie Man] Okay, well here's one you do like: rice.
This looks like perfectly cooked rice to me.
- No! Not good, how?
Have you ever had rice rice?
Rice not supposed to look like DVD hiya.
Why she's so happy?
Posing selfie with fucked up rice.
Rice have to be perfect texture,
soft and fluffy and inviting to eat and slightly sticky.
So you can eat with chopsticks.
If your rise can become weapon,
then you fucked up.
That will be bad, you've go to Chinese restaurant
they just hit you in the head with brick of rice.
- I reckon it looks good.
Here's a bit more rice.
- Where the trigger warning?
The rice look like the burn victim.
You need to give Uncle Roger trigger warning.
- [Aussie Man] It's just crunchy.
Some wankers like it that way.
- [Uncle Roger] Which wanker?
Show me wanker.
Hiya, he mess up rice so bad even his hairline
trying to escape from him.
- [Aussie Man] Meanwhile, while at the buffet,
here's a pack of Chinese tourists.
- [Uncle Roger] Okay, now who the one stereotyping?
- [Aussie Man] I didn't say jack shit yet!
- [Uncle Roger] But Asian people go to buffet.
We don't eat until we are full.
We eat until we recuperate the cost of the buffet.
Very smart, is good business decision.
Good financial planning.
- Ah, so that's what it is.
I thought they were just being greedy.
- No, no, no.
- But it's actually really fucking smart.
- That's true.
You see, when you go to all you can eat Asian buffet.
You see white people, they pick rice.
That is the dumb idea.
Rice the cheapest thing.
We take the King prawn only. - Right, okay.
Shit I got to bloody get involved.
Next time I'm at the buffet on holiday
and make sure I cash in on some of that, fuck.
I suppose it's a win.
- This is win.
This is big win.
- [Aussie Man] Here's a wok being used to pop popcorn.
- [Uncle Roger] No, no, why abuse your wok like this?
- [Aussie Man] Ah, I thought it was cool.
Too much wok abuse going on?
- [Uncle Roger] Wok is for stir fry.
Is beautiful piece of art.
Not for popcorn.
You want popcorn, you go watch movie.
They're not creating popcorn.
They creating mess in house.
- [Aussie Man] All right, fair enough.
Here's a Sheila with a pizza on a stick.
- [Uncle Roger] Sheila!
Are all Australian women named Sheila?
- Yeah, of course mate.
- Okay then what about the surname?
- Sheila.
- Sheila Sheila?
- Yeah.
Most of the time.
- So not creative.
Why is she cooking pizza in bathrobe?
Is this her ideal spa holiday?
Let's go get massage and then cook pizza.
No, no, no.
I can predict this one gonna be fail.
When have you ever seen a good chef cook food in bathrobe?
- [Aussie Man] Let's see how she goes,
she's nursing the pizza in.
Oh, she sent the topping to destination fucked.
- I think this is her trick.
I think she told her husband,
"Honey, I want margarita pizza, no topping."
But her husband say, "No, I want all the meat."
And she say, "Okay, I'll pretend to put meat on that
but I'll fuck it up on purpose.
So I turn this pizza into margarita pizza."
Very smart woman, this one.
So sneaky.
- [Aussie Man] What's happening here?
This pizza is totally on fire.
- [Uncle Roger] If your food on fire, you fucked up.
- [Aussie Man] I agree Rog.
And what's he doing?
He's punching it.
- [Uncle Roger] That is how we put out fire.
You don't know?
That's how fire man put out fire, by punching houses.
This is domestic abuse but for pizza.
At least he wearing face mask.
He COVID secure.
- [Aussie Man] Crikey, I'm done.
Overall, people have made a mess of cookery
for bloody centuries.
- [Uncle Roger] Yeah bad recipe and bad chef
been around for ever.
Just go ask Jamie Oliver.
- [Aussie Man] There's too much fire here.
Wait for it.
- Oh, hiya.
Fuck me dead.
- They fucked up.
(laughing)
(TV static buzzing)
- Niece and nephew,
If you don't want to end up like the divorced guy,
flipping omelet in caravan, smack like button now.
Make Uncle Roger happy.
Otherwise Uncle Roger would come find you
and hunt you down.
- He will.
I've seen him do it before,
and also make sure you come over
and subscribe to my channel.
Just come smack that subscribe button as well,
so you don't end up like the young fellow
that cracked the egg in the poorest way.
Not the guy that did it really well.
So yeah, please come over, come over.
- Correct, correct.
Go subscribed to Uncle Aussie Man,
and subscribed to Uncle Roger also.
See you next week.
Bye bye. - See ya.
- Checking pizza after you punch it that won't--
Okay I don't understand.
I guess some people just like to punch food.
- Maybe it's like in a fight, like in MMA or something.
You can just go check your opponent afterwards.
I suppose it's good sportsmanship.
(loud beeping)
- Fail, fail.
Big fail.
So much fail, hiya.
(loud beeping)
Nope.
Fucked up.
Fail.
Too much fire.
Sprinkler go off, even the ceiling hate you.
That's how much fail you are.
(loud beeping)
- We don't need to spend time on this.
This is clean cut failure.
- Niece and Nephew, don't learn from these people.
Who cook two mushroom?
Is that what you have for dinner?
Just two mushroom, no seasoning, no other ingredient?
Just two mushroom?
- Yeah, I guess he's trying to be
trying to be healthy?
Maybe trying to vegan diet.
- Okay, maybe he wants to have two mushroom with glass.
Maybe that's his whole meal.
(loud beeping)
- This kid, he looks good.
I reckon he's got a big wind coming.
Okay. - [Uncle Roger] Oh, no.
And that's how you messed up your first date.
Try to impress her too much,
but you try too hard and then you whack egg in her face.
Guess what? Somebody's (beep)
not getting sucked that night.
(both laughing)
- Oh god.