- I'm a teacher, that's my day job.
I teach.
I teach Intro to Writing at USC.
I hope that nobody here is affiliated with USC.
If you are keep
everything I say a secret.
I had one of the star football players in my class.
I told the class they can write a story about anything.
He wrote a story about wanting to fuck his teacher.
(crowd laughs)
Honestly, very nice.
(crowd laughs)
My name is Amy Silverberg,
and that story the teacher's name was Jamie Goldstein.
(crowd laughs)
Very close.
(crowd laughs)
In that story he said,
that he wanted to have sex with the teacher
on the handlebars of his bicycle.
And then afterward she would like it very much,
and feel fulfilled.
(crowd laughs)
I was like, you took the teacher's pleasure into account?
B+ baby, right?
(crowd laughs)
Not everybody does.
You have to reward them when they do.
I look young so the female students always email me
really familiarly in like lowercase letters.
(crowd laughs)
One of my students emailed me, and she goes
Dear Amy, I won't be coming to class today.
I took the morning after pill, and I don't feel well.
Dot, dot, dot, you know how it is.
(crowd laughs)
I was like, why do I know,
of course I know how it is.
I was like stay home, I use the Nuvaring.
It's very confusing.
It comes out on the dick half the time,
like a hula hoop.
(crowd laughs)
We're still figuring it out, you know.
I got a fan letter.
I got my first fan letter.
(crowd cheers)
Yes, thank you, thank you.
It wasn't from stand up.
It was because I published a story in a magazine,
and a man emailed me through my website,
and he said, I just want to let you know that,
that story you wrote kept me up at night,
especially the scene where the woman's in the kitchen, wow.
And I wrote back, and I said,
thank you so much for saying that.
And then he wrote back, can I cum on your tits?
(crowd laughs)
What an elaborate troll.
(crowd laughs)
This guy read my fiction.
People don't read, he analyzed it.
So I wrote back, and I said, it's may I cum on your tits?
(crowd laughs and cheers)
Cause you got to get the grammar correct.
I myself went to a big party college.
Yes, yes.
I went to UC Santa Barbara.
I used to have a friend at that time who would get so drunk,
she would come home, take out a frozen waffle,
be too drunk to put it in the toaster.
Go up to her top bunk,
put it in between her hot thighs.
(crowd laughs)
And eat it like that, partially defrosted.
(crowd laughs)
This friend's now 30.
I reminded her of this, she goes,
Oh yeah, the waffle trick.
(crowd laughs)
I still do that sometimes on the way to work.
(crowd laughs)
I was like, that's so deranged.
(crowd laughs)
You could eat a protein bar.
You could intermittent fast.
And she said, I like to eat the Eggo
from in between my leggos.
(crowd laughs)
Which is such a good motto.
I was like, you got to keep doing that.
I'm of the age where I'm going to
a lot of bachelorette parties.
I don't know if anyone here has been
to a bachelorette party.
- [Audience] Yeah.
- Yes, good.
Last one I went to we played this game where
we asked the future husband a bunch of questions,
recorded his responses, and then in real time
asked the future wife, see if their answers matched up.
The questions were like,
Where's the craziest place you had sex?
Or, when did you know you were in love?
We asked her, what's your deepest, darkest secret?
She said, well this is incredibly embarrassing,
but I know that this is what he would've said.
So, I'll just say it,
I like having my nipples played with, and sucked.
That's your deepest, darkest secret?
(crowd laughs)
She goes no, no, no, no, no, no,
she says, I'm afraid that when I have a baby,
it's going to nurse, and I'm going to get turned on,
(crowd laughs)
and cum.
(crowd laughs)
We said, what the fuck is wrong with you!
Then we played her future husband's response on the monitor,
and he goes, her deepest, darkest secret,
she once had Jack In The Box five nights in a row.
(crowd laughs)
She said, please don't tell anyone.
(crowd laughs)
Alright, I'm going to leave you guys with one more.
Have any of you been skydiving?
(crowd cheers)
That's great.
I went skydiving for the first time recently.
When you go skydiving for the first time
you get attached to someone.
I was attached to someone very tall.
When he saw me, he said, oh good I like em small.
So I was like, this is great, this can't go wrong.
I was then attached to his dick.
(crowd laughs)
When he walked my legs flailed in the air.
Then we sat in the plane for what felt like a lifetime.
And he whispered into my ear, You'd make a great jockey.
(crowd laughs)
Not the worst compliment a man has ever given me.
Right before he jumped out, he goes,
do you want regular or extreme?
I was like, I want regular you fucking loon.
I've never been skydiving before.
(crowd laughs)
So then he jumped out, me attached.
Proceeded to give me a tour
of his hometown of Lompoc, California.
Wind rushing through his hair,
he's like that's The Cheesecake Factory,
where I met my girlfriend.
That's the park where she fucking broke up with me.
That's my duplex.
I have a roommate, we get a pretty good deal.
We have a balcony.
We grill out, weather permitting.
(crowd laughs)
Then when we landed he goes,
ooo I barely felt you.
That's why I like em small.
I feel as though I'm on my own.
This guy gave a tour to himself.
(crowd laughs)