You know what it is? I'm a very fashionable guy.
You see the jacket.
Like, I'm one of the few out here wearing a velour jacket.
But what I like about this is
the way we dress tells a lot about ourselves.
For example, I wear glasses
'cause I know it makes me look safe.
That's the honest-to-God answer.
[ Laughter ]
If I take my glasses off and look at you all like this,
it looks like this angry black guy that's onstage right now.
But I'm-a keep this face and put the glasses on.
Now it looks like I'm thinking about something.
[ Laughter ]
We dress a certain way.
This is what we do.
Like, this is my white-folk friendly outfit, for real.
That's why I wear skinny jeans.
And women -- y'all got to stop messing with dudes
like me in skinny jeans.
This is ridiculous.
Isn't it? Is it not?
Like, skinny jeans is some other stuff that's happening.
I don't know what this is about.
Like, here's what happened for me.
This homeless guy came up to me, he was like,
"Hey, young blood, do you have any spare change?"
I was like, "Nah, man, I ain't got nothing for you."
He's like, "Why you lying?
There's two quarters in your left pocket, right there.
I can't get those two quarters right there in your left..."
I'm like, "What?"
He's like, "Yeah, 1984 and 2003."
You can see the year, the date?
I'm hot.
He was like, "Well, you might want to get your lymph nodes
checked while you're at it. They look swollen."
And I was like, "You can see the lymph nodes?"
Skinny jeans.
And I'm walking off, he's like, "That's fine,
I'll just get that credit card number from the back."
We got to stop this, fellas. We got to stop this.
This is getting ridiculous.
Like, I was just at the club,
and I'm over here dancing with this chick.
It's a lot of upper-body movement
when you're wearing skinny jeans.
You're really restricted down low.
So I'm sitting here, dancing with this little chick,
and she's like, "Hey, how about we get out of here?"
I was like, "A'ight, cool."
Fellas, there's nothing sexy about bringing a woman home,
pulling into your bedroom, getting on the bed,
sitting her down, and being in her ear like,
"Hey, baby, you think you can pull these pant legs
over the heel of my foot?"
[ Laughter ]
Now she mad 'cause she got to drag you around the house
to pull these skinny jeans off.
You hitting your head against doorways,
pulling down the kitchen.
And you're over there like, "Once I get out these pant legs,
girl, you gonna get it."
[ Laughs ]
This is my life.
This is what I choose to do just to look cool.
This is ridiculous.
Like, even putting skinny jeans on is ridiculous.
Like, it's the worst.
Like, it's good when you get all the way until right here.
And then you got to do that little whole jump,
jump, shirk, twerk.
The skinnies -- like, you got to almost take a dance class
just to put skinny jeans on.
You got to five, six, seven, eight.
Skinny.
I caught myself in the mirror one time doing a little
five, six, seven, eight, and I just seen my ancestors appear.
They're like, "We did not walk 54 miles from Selma
so you can't walk at all."
Like...
[ Sighs ]
Here's what worse,
the worst thing that's ever happened to me.
So, one day I'm at this chick's house,
I put the skinny jeans on, I'm starting to leave,
and she was like, "Hey, um,
those are my skinny jeans right there."
I was like, "Woman, no they're not."
She said, "Uh, look at the tag and tell me what size you see."
I look at the tag, and it says, "Size 10?"
Hell, yeah, I'm thick as hell.
Like -- And I leave.
I leave wearing her skinny jeans.
'Cause once you get skinny jeans on,
it's an all-day commitment.
There's no switching out skinny jeans.
So I leave, right?
It's a 12-hour commitment when you're wearing the skinny jeans.
I'm walking down the street, and this girl checks me out,
she's like, "Oh, my God, are those..."
I'm like, "A size 10?
Yes, bitch. Yes." [ Laughs ]