*Guitar riff*
SheiIa: I packed you all lunches for the trip.
Tucker: Thanks Sheila, that was really nice of you.
Donut: Not really. all my bag had was an air filter and a thermos full of brake fluid.
Sheila: Make sure to wash your exhaust pipes every day!
Tucker: Bye Sheila! We'll come back for you soon.
*teleportation noises*
Sheila: I'll be waiting!
Sheila: Church! I thought you left with Grif! Back already?
Future Church: I hate to tell you this Sheila, but none of us are comin' back.
Is there any way I can take you with me? Maybe transfer your program into a disk or something like that?
Shelia: Sorry! But I'm hardwired into this equipment!
That's what happens when you're built by the lowest bidder!
Future Church: Yeah, tell me about it.
There's just one more thing you can do for me before I say goodbye.
It's the last thing I can do to hopefully set all this stuff right.
Sheila: What is it?
Future Church: Here's what I need you to do.
I need you to.....(indecribible planning)
Sheila: Alright.
Future Church: (More Indecipherable planning)
Sheila: You got it!
Future Church: Thanks Sheila.
And uh....
Sorry that I blamed you for killing me all this time.
Sheila: That's okay. I'm sorry I enjoyed blowing you up so much.
Future Church: Yeah, I don't think it was necessary to tell me that.
Anyway, I guess this is goodbye Sheila.
(whoosh sounds)
Sheila: Maybe I should shut down now, and save a little power.
Wyoming: Ah yes, dear Tex.
After I take care of your little friend Tucker, I'll be taking care of her as well.
Present Church: When I get outta here-
Wyoming: But you won't.
Everyone here is dead now.
No one even knows where you are.
So I suppose now you'll just have to starve to death!
Haha! Cheerio!
Future Church: Oh there is no way Grif can disarm that bomb.
I better let them out of there and go find Tex.
She can shut it off.
Grif: You should try showering in Cell block C!
Those guys are animals!
Present Church: Alright, here goes.
Grif: You opened the doors?!?
That wasn't scary at all!
Present Church: What- I didn't do that!
Somebody on the outside must of done it!
Alright, let's go!
Grif: FREEDOM! IT SMELLS SO SWEET!
Let's go rob a liquor store on the way home!
Future Church: Alright. Now to find Tex.
Wyoming: Sorry about this Allison, just following Omega's orders.
Omega: WYOMING! I NEED YOU TO GET IN POSITION!
DON'T FORGET THAT VIC FELLOW IS GIVING US A BONUS IF WE KILL TUCKER!
WOULD REALLY HELP FUSE THE WHOLE CONSPIRACY THEORY HE MADE UP.
Wyoming: Righto mate!
Doc: As the one person here who really does work for Red and Blue,
I think what we're doing is despicable!
O'Malley, can't you look in your heart and see that maybe if we do this right, that Red and Blue can work together?!?
Maybe we can end this crazy war!
Wouldn't that be great!
Come on guys let's live the dream!
Omega: I LIKE THE WAY WARS END NOW!
WHEN ONE SIDE IS COMPLETELY DEAD, AND THE OTHER SIDE WASTING AWAY IN NUCELEUR WINTER!
Doc: It's pronuced "nuclear"
Omega: Oh shut up.
CRYING AT THE FOLLY OF THEIR OWN HUBRIS!
Doc: Wars also end in treaties.
Omega: AHHH, SHUT UP ALREADY.
Future Church (on radio): Come in Tex.
I need you to meet me in the middle of the canyon right now.
This is Church.
Uhhhh, I have money.
Oh man where is she!?!
Future Church #2: Psst, hey!
Hey buddy, hey!
Future Church: What? Who are you?
Future Church #2: Huh? Oh, I'm you!
I'm just a different version of you!
Yeah see, I keep trying to fix the bomb, just like you're doing, except I don't do it right and get blasted back through time!
Then I come back, and try to fix everything all over agian.
I just want to let you know,
When you get back, meet us at the top of the ramp!
Future Church #1: Us? Who's "us"? Back from where?!?
What's going on?!?
Church #1: Man this blows you guys suck!
Tucker: WHAT THE HELL?!?
Wyoming: Sorry Private Tucker but I always get my man.
Say goodbye mate.
Simmons: Uh, guys I hate to interrupt, but, zero seconds.
Tucker: Uh-oh.
Present Church: What? Oh son of a-
Gary: See you in a few hundred years.
Future Church #2: Computer, you've gotta send me back.
Gary: To Blood Gulch?
You just left.
Future Church #2: Nonono, not to Blood Gulch, to Sidewidner!
Man, I totally screwed everything up!
Gary: How?
Future Church #2: Well, I didn't keep the bomb from going off, so I just got blasted back here!
(pop noise)
Future Church #3: Yeah me too.
Future Church #2: What the-
Future Church #3: Yeah, lemme just put it this way pal:
Your next plan?
Goes about as well as the first one does.
Gary: Uh-oh.
Churches: (Incomprehensible mumbling)
Future Church: What the hell is all of this?
Future Church #8: Dear god in heaven-
Future Church #2: Oh, here he is.
Late again.
Future Church: Who are you guys?!?
Future Church #2: We're you, DUMBASS!
We just keep screwing up and getting blown back to the computer terminal.
Then we teleport here to try again.
Future Church #4: I know that man you told me last time!
Future Church #2: I'm not talking to you, I'm talking to the NEW you.
Future Church #4: Oh, right.
Sorry about that I'm still getting used to all of this.
Future Church #9: Dumbass.
Future Church #4: Hey, shut up.
Future Church: How did all you guys screw up?
Future Church #2: Well, when Tucker points the rocket launcher at us,
I tried to explain the situation to everybody,
and oddly, Caboose is really the only one who understood it right away.
Anyway, by the time I finished answering questions, the bomb went off and I got sent back in time.
Future Church #3: Right,
Then I teleported back to Sidewidner,
and thought, "If I can shoot Wyoming before he shoots Tucker, then I can fix everything!
But I shoot Wyoming, Tucker shot me with the rocket launcher, the bomb went off anyways, and I got sent back in time.
Future Church #4: Then I teleported back, then just decided to kill everybody that I could see.
Future Church: Why did you do that?
Future Church #4: I dunno, seemed like fun.
I think I went a little nuts there for a while.
Future Church: What did you do?
Yellow Church: Dude. Don't ask. Trust me, it-it didn't work.
Future Church #72: So now we all come back here beforehand to discuss what we did, and see if we can collectively figure out a better plan beforehand.
Future Church #2: You said beforehand twice.
Future Church: Oh! Well in that case, what I thinking of doing-
All Churches: That won't work.
Future Church: Hey I got it! Who's the last Church?
Future Church #4: Huh?
Future Church: Which one of you is the latest version of me?
Future Church n: Um, I guess that would be me.
Uh I've already tried all the stuff that all these other guys have done.
Even him.
So, I guess that makes me the latest version.
Future Church: Well that must mean you're the one who gets it right then!
Future Church n: What do you mean?
Future Church: Well, you're the last Church, so you must be the one who fixes everything!
Otherwise, there'd be a thousand other Churches here, trying to get it right!
Future Church n: I see.
Future Church: Wait, why am I explaining this to you?
If you're the latest Church, then you've been me, explaining this to you already!
Future Church n: Uh yeah, I know. I just didn't wanna steal my own thunder.
I thought it was a pretty good idea.
All Churches: Thanks!
Future Church n: Ok, I'm gonna do whatever it is that fixes all of this.
Wish me luck guys.
Future Church: What are you going to do?
Future Church n: Y'know what? I'm going to just free Tex, and wing it.
Because every time I've made a plan, it's fallen apart.
I figure, "Why not just improvise?".
Future Church #2: So what DID you do?
Yellow Church: Oh man, it seemed like SUCH a good idea at the time.
Tex: Church! O'Malley and Wyoming tied me up!
Get me outta here!
Church: You got it.
Wait a second, could this be a good thing, or a bad thing?
Tex, annoyed: How is setting me free a bad thing?
Church: I'm not sure.
If I set you free, will you promise not to get close to me?
Tex, pissed: I'm already close to you.
Church: No no not me, me. The other me, me.
The one with the bomb.
Tex: What?
Future Church n: Oh right I forgot. I already st Tex free one of the other times.
Oh sweet! Then that means I'm the guy that interrupts me and confuses Tex!
Tex: I'm totally confused.
Future Church n: Oh don't worry Tex. I'm supposed to tell him that it's ok to set Tex free.
Church: It is?
Future Church n: Well, that's what I said to me when I was you!
And it seemed to work ok.
Tex: Seriously, this is really confusing.
Church: Ok, you're free Tex. Now to execute the second part of my plan.
I'm gonna posses Lopez, and use his lighting machine to defuse the bomb.
See ya!
Future Church #548: Good luck!
Yeah, that's totally not gonna work.
Tex, I recommend you get down there, and try to defuse the bomb that's in Church's stomach.
I think that you're the only one here that can do it.
And Tex,
the one thing I didn't realize before was this:
Maybe I'm not the last Church because I fixed everything,
but because I died and there's no way I can come back.
If that happens, I just want to let you know that I'm sorry.
Sorry I got you mixed up in all this stupid stuff.
Sorry I wasn't a better guy than I should've been.
I'm sorry for-
for- for a lot of stuff.
But if we DO survive this,
Then it's TOTALLY because of me, and you should build a fucking statue in my honor.
I'M SERIOUS!
SOMETHIN' COOL!
LIKE ME ON ON A HORSE!
NONONO WAIT- A MOTORCYCLE!
Tucker: What the hell!
Wyoming: Sorry Private Tucker, but always get my man.
Say goodbye, bitch.
Simmons: Uh guys, I hate to interupt, but- zero seconds.
Tucker: Uh-oh.
Caboose: CHURCH!
Church: What can I say dipshit. For better or for worse, I'm back.
(Explosion)
Sarge: WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!
STARTING WITH GRIF!
EVERYONE, GET READY TO KISS YOUR ASS GOODBYE!
Simmons, you can have the honor of kissing mine.
Church: Hey everybody, what's up.
Caboose: I am so happy that you made it in time to die with me.
We will get to be smithereens together!
Church: That won't be necessary Caboose.
Hey Gary how you doing?
Gary: Not bad.
Although my static ion-matrix is a little itchy.
Simmons: Computer can talk?!?!
Grif: The computer's name is Gary?!?
Gary: How have you been, Church?
Church: Good, thanks for asking.
Listen could you do me a favor?
Could you shut off the bomb please?
Gary: No problem.
Sarge: GARY YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THAT YOU COULD'VE TURNED OFF THE BOMB THIS WHOLE TIME?!?
AND YOU DIDN'T SAY SO?!?
AND DON'T SAY I DIDN'T-
Gary: You didn't ask.
Sarge: (Indecipherable mumbling)
Church: Man it is really great to see you guys.
Tucker: You seem like you're in a good mood.
Church: I learned a very valuable lesson in my travels, Tucker.
No matter how bad things might seem-
Caboose: They could be worse.
Church: Nope.
No matter how bad things might seem, they can't get any better, and they can't get any worse.
Because that's the way things are, and you better get used to it Nancy.
Quit yer bitchin'
Caboose: WHERE have you been?
Church: You want the long version, or the short version?
Caboose: I will take the easy version please.
Tucker: Aw, I wanna hear the long version,
But can you tell me in three parts?