When I was 20, having children was the last thing on my mind.
I had a fancy riverside apartment, the perfect career, attended the coolest parties
and went on vacation whenever and wherever I wanted.
Seeing my close friends with their babies crying made me enjoy my bachelorette lifestyle even more.
But, that all ended when I met my forever and fell in love.
He was just as much as a bachelor as I was a bachelorette
Saying we would continue our fun lifestyles together.
Truth is, we loved each other far more than our music festivals, traveling and independence
that we wanted to bring a little piece of ourselves into this world.
So, we decided to have a baby.
Days became weeks and weeks became months.
Soon, it was years that passed and we still hadn't gotten pregnant.
I knew something was wrong
So we made the first available appointment with our doctor .
After numerous blood tests and an A.M.H. or Anti-Mullerian hormone test,
he told me, that I had a 6% chance of getting pregnant
and the only way is to go through a procedure called In Vitro Fertilization or IVF for short.
I didn't know how to feel.
I began blaming my bachelorette lifestyle with the partying I did.
The countless festivals, how I told everyone children were difficult or that it wasn't for me.
And now here I sat in the doctor's office with my boyfriend wanting nothing more than our own baby.
And so, IVF would be our last option.
The thought of someone growing my baby in a Petri dish and then injecting it back into my body
bothered me because I wanted to do it the natural way and be able to share the
special moment from start to finish.
But at this point, we didn't have any other option
We'd only get 3 tries.
3 tries at our chance at having a baby.
For weeks, I injected my abdomen with drugs my doctor gave me
that stopped my ovaries from releasing any eggs.
After those weeks, I'd have to inject myself with another drug that would mature and release
as many eggs as possible.
If this sounds like a 0 to 100 stop and go, it was.
My body was completely wrecked.
I had uncontrollable mood swings, crying one moment and being happy the next.
It was difficult trying to control my emotions, but all I could really think about was bringing a 3rd person into my life.
IVF really requires one thing.
Waiting.
Waiting for the doctors to tell you they have your eggs.
Waiting for the doctors to tell you that they have successfully fertilized your eggs with your boyfriend's sperm.
And waiting for them to say that they are viable embryos.
There are no guarantees you will succeed in any part of this but luckily, we did.
We waited for weeks until I was finally able to get my surgical procedure
to have our embryo implanted into my body.
And once again, I'd have to wait another 2 weeks to know for sure if the embryo stayed and we
would have a baby.
At least this time, I'd be one step closer.
This was it.
I knew we were going to have this baby.
I felt it.
We began searching for baby names, started planning the baby room, the toys, the crib.
We looked at our friends and their babies picturing us as them.
We were happier than we had ever been and we'd be able to call ourselves a family
and nothing would get in between our family.
But, as the 2 weeks began to end, I felt sharp pains and small jolts almost like a period cramp but stronger.
I didn't think anything of it taking it as a sign that it was the embryos settling in
But that was what I wanted to believe.
What really happened was my first miscarriage.
I was devasted.
All the hopes and dreams, the happiness and joy we felt were replaced with sadness, anger, and loss.
I know it wasn't the traditional miscarriage, but even for that short time
I couldn't help but feel like an expecting mother ready to do everything for my small someone.
I wanted so badly to be a mother.
I wanted to hold and kiss my own child.
Pick them up from their scrapes and falls,
take them to their first day of school,
hear about their first love and comfort them for their first heartbreak.
I wanted all of this with the family my boyfriend and I had imagined.
I wanted it so badly, we agreed to the second round of IVF.
This time with extra drugs, extra treatments, and more hope.
We were going to have our child.
We were going to be parents.
As much as we believed we would place a photo frame of 3 in our living room,
it still remained the 2 of us.
I had my second failed IVF.
Coming to terms with my realities, I accepted the obvious.
My friends and family encouraged me to go for the 3rd round.
But at that point, my mental health of failed IVF,
the excitement of almost being able to have a child and then not,
and the many thoughts that would run through my mind about our child had gone down.
And failing a 3rd time would send me into a deeper depression than I already had.
I just couldn't bring myself to go through it again.
IVF works differently for everyone with an average success rate of 40% for women under 35 years old.
I was accused by a friend of a friend of “not wanting motherhood as much as she did”
when she was able to conceive after their 7th try.
But I saw the toll it took on her as each time, every 2 weeks,
the doctors would tell her she would not be having a baby for one reason or another.
Luckily, I had the support of my boyfriend who never pushed me for the 3rd round.
He, like I, came to terms that we would not be able to share a baby together .
It took years until we both got out of our slump.
Slowly but surely,
together, we gradually began to rebuild our lives by going back to what we loved.
We had a holiday of a lifetime, went to festivals and enjoyed time outside surrounded by nature.
We learned we didn't need to have a child to be happy and can enjoy the company and comforts of other people's children.
In fact, I’ve become the cool auntie and godmother.
The one that doesn't know how much is too much chocolate cake, or how late is too late for bed.
I just know fun.
And if I am able to share that with a child other than mine, then that is fine by me.
Maybe IVF would have worked the 6th or 8th time for me.
Who knows? Maybe if I didn't go so crazy during my youth I'd have 4 kids.
'Maybe' and 'what if' is all we can ever really think about.
I may not be able to have children like I so desperately tried, but I am here to say,
Don't let any negative experiences define or stop you from living a fulfilled happy life.
Invest in quality time with those around you and enjoy the things that life has offered you.
We can't get everything we hope for in this life,
but we can learn to appreciate all the little pieces that make it a whole and life worth enjoying.