- It's nice to be out amongst so many people.
I do spend a lot of time on my own, I live on my own.
I do like living on my own though.
When I first decided I wanted to live on my own,
me mam and dad don't really understand
why people would want to live on their own.
Me mam said, "People only live on their own
if they've got no friends."
(audience laughing)
And then my dad made me look up the word hermit
in a dictionary.
(audience laughing)
But my dad, he did give me some good advice
when I was looking for a flat.
He said "I don't think you should get one
that's got a balcony."
(audience laughing)
"Because what with living on your own,
there will be a high suicide risk."
(audience laughing)
Just wondering if I should have been bearing
that in mind when I was viewing properties.
You know, is that oven gas or electric?
(audience laughing)
Is that light fitting really strong?
(audience laughing)
Could it hold a decent weight?
(audience laughing)
Ten stone.
(audience laughing)
Fuck off.
Eleven stone.
(audience laughing)
And a half.
(audience laughing)
And another fucking half.
(audience laughing)
But I do, I like living on my own.
Does anybody else live on their own?
Give us a wave if you live on your own.
We've got a nice lady here.
What's your favourite thing about living on your own, love?
- [lady in audience] The telephone.
- The telephone? I like that you did that.
Just in case, you know, it's just the north I live in,
it's not, you know,
(audience laughing)
the dark ages.
(audience laughing)
The telephone.
What did you, why, did somebody not let you have
a telephone in the old days
when you lived with other people?
You poor bugger.
Did you live under the stairs?
(audience laughing)
In what way the telephone?
- So I can speak to people.
- "So I can speak to people" she said.
(audience laughing)
No, I know what a telephone's for, love.
(audience laughing)
It's going to be one of those nights, isn't it?
(audience laughing)
Who else lived on their own?
Give us another wave.
Hello flower.
Nice lady at the back there.
What do you like about living on your own, love?
- Walking around naked.
There's a confident woman.
(audience laughing)
No, that's good 'cos I've got a friend
who lives on her own, and I said
"what's your favourite thing about living on your own?"
And she said "whenever I do a massive fart,
(audience laughing)
I go, 'good girl."
(audience laughing)
You can have that, if you like.
(audience laughing)
Lady at the back, is it a flat or a house that you've got?
- Flat.
- A flat.
And if somebody broke into your flat
while you were in it, what would you hit them with?
Have you thought this through?
- Not so much.
- No but well let's have a think now, if you're like-
(audience laughing)
We've got to fix her.
(audience laughing)
If you're like, in the living room, for example,
is there something to hand that you could
clobber somebody with?
- A remote control?
- A remote control. You see!
(audience laughing)
Multi purpose, I can watch whatever telly I like
and I can fucking hit somebody.
(audience laughing)
No, because I asked a lady recently
and she didn't know either,
and I said what's normally to hand and she went
"empty bottles?"
(audience laughing)
I said I don't even think you'd notice if somebody broke in.
(audience laughing)
I don't care who you are,
(audience laughing)
shut the door on your way out
(audience laughing)
'cos I can feel a fucking draught.
(audience laughing)
My friend's got a rounders bat down the side of her bed.
I mean for protection, ooer.
(audience laughing)
But she's been told by a policeman that that's not allowed.
It's classed as an offensive weapon.
The only way she's allowed to have a rounders bat
down the side of her bed is if it's accompanied
by something it would normally accompany.
So now she's got a rounders bat and a rounders ball as well.
(audience laughing)
And I'm the same, 'cos I've got a massive knife
and a massive fork.
(audience laughing)
So if somebody breaks in with a big lump of steak
I'm champion.
(audience laughing)
But I live in a flat as well,
and the flat directly opposite mine has been empty
the whole time that I've lived there,
so I just never bothered getting any curtains,
and I regularly wander round in just my knickers
'cos I'm 35 and I don't give a shit.
(audience laughing)
And a friend came round for a cup of tea and she said
"Have you noticed that some young lads
have just moved in to the flat opposite you?"
I said no I hadn't noticed.
She said "don't you think it's time you got yourself
some curtains?"
So as far as I'm concerned if some young lads
are looking at me wandering round in me knickers,
I'm still the winner.
(audience laughing)
I just wonder how long it's gonna be before
they get fucking curtains.
(audience laughing)
Look at me.
(giggles)
(imitates curtains shutting)
(audience laughing)
Please.
(audience laughing)
Hello, it's Sarah Millican here.
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