our next guest is a stand-up comedian and he is making his Network television debut with
us here tonight he is also the co-host of short attention span theater on Comedy Central ladies
and Gentlemen please welcome Jon Stewart thank you thank you very much I uh I saw
in the paper recently that Russia has announced plans to pursue foreign investment and tourism
to help their ailing economy now I I don't want to be too negative but are
conditions really optimal in Russia right now to mount an effective tourist campaign
what kind of slogan are they going to come up with and come to Russia it's cold and we have no food
gee honey what do you think Club Med Leningrad bring a lunch
but it's a very strange thing I feel for Russia I'm I'm Russian my grandfather is from Russia
and I had dinner with him last night because I lost you know the coin flip and uh he's a
nice enough guy but he's he's an incredible bigot and you would think being an immigrant
that would be a contradiction but I guess he was just one of those guys who came to this country
got off the boat at Ellis Island signed in and then turned to the people behind him in line and
went now get off my land you foreign bastards I've been here 10 seconds you're ruining everything
there's so many bigots now in the world it seems to be on the
rise I saw this Ku Klux klansman on Geraldo ignorant creep Geraldo but um
are you yes
you know the weird thing about racial violence I never understood is when minorities battle
other minorities like I'm a Jewish guy I never understood why there was so much animosity between
the Jewish community and the black community I mean we come from the same History Two thousand
years of persecution we we've just expressed our sufferings differently as people blacks
develop the Blues Jews complained we just never thought of putting it to music it's very similar
we whine we just have no real sense of Rhythm I guess it's uh she said
my grandmother actually wrote a very lovely blue song recently called gee it's drafty here and uh
he was in a Chinese restaurant it just kind of hit her I guess so much racial violence sexual
violence that's all the televised trials now are all about sex the honest one I thought so
far was the William Kennedy Smith trial William Kennedy Smith what is Kennedy his maiden name
what the hell is that you're Bill Smith the sex offender get over yourself thank you
honestly how many people are gonna hide behind
that what's next Mike Kennedy Tyson for the appeal come on
I should say this a real Kennedy never would have attacked that girl
and been indicted for it because
they had Ted Kennedy up on the witness stand that was magic
you swear to tell the whole truth nothing about the truth to help you God no don't you know who
I am did my people talk to you I look at Ted Kennedy and I just think he has an enormous head
doesn't even look like a head it looks more like a container for a head
listen on
I know he's had a very difficult life it must be very traumatic to be one of the only males
in your family to never have had sex with Marilyn Monroe I think that's uh that's a cross to bear
you know they never let him forget about it I'm sure weekends at Hyannis Port Schwarzenegger's
giving him grief from the living room Teddy come in here Some Like It Hot is on television
[Applause]
but you know what as peculiar as our country is just I mean I'm so glad that we're not
like the Middle East or some I mean there's an area that is just so volatile it's just
the Middle East will never become it will never be settled too many people have too
many claims on too small a parcel of land you know it's like take Israel for example Israel
has a claim to it Christianity Judaism and Islam All Began in Israel All Began
in Jerusalem All Began within like the two block radius of each other
do you realize what this meal Jesus Muhammad and Moses all went to the same High School
where Jesus had been kept into the swim team
oh please I should say Moses was on the swim team but he kept getting disqualified for parting the
water and running across it's just it's an increasingly violent world you know and and
I I guess my big fear is that the next War we have is going to be nuclear and we're all going to die
and you know it's going to feel stupidest at that final moment of the world's destruction
people that have been on ultra slim fast for the past three weeks thanks very much [Applause]