-Welcome, everybody.
Welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show."
Thank you for being here. Thank you for watching at home.
Thank you for tuning in.
[ Cheers and applause ] Let's get to some news.
Well, guys, a lot of people are talking about this.
It was just revealed that the Pentagon deleted
all January 6th-related text messages
from the phones of key Trump defense officials.
Yeah. When she heard, Hillary Clinton was like,
"Well, well, well...
Wow."
I actually think Trump had nothing to do with this.
If he was involved, the phones wouldn't have been wiped.
They would have been flushed.
Listen to this.
FEMA just warned that if the software for
the National Alert System isn't updated,
it could be hacked to send out fake emergency alerts.
[ Audience "Oohs" ]
Even worse, FEMA heard and was like,
"Oh, no, that message didn't come from us."
Some more news from Washington.
President Biden's still testing positive for COVID,
but his doctor said that he's feeling good
and that his only lingering symptom is a loose cough.
-Oh, gross! Please don't say those words.
-Say what? Say loose cough.
-Come on, Jimmy. I can't hear that phrase, man.
Don't say it again. -What? What?
I'm just telling people the news.
President Biden has...
-A loose cough.
-"Loose cough."
-A bit of a loose cough.
-Loose cough. -Loose cough.
-Loose cough. -A loose cough.
-Jimmy, come on, man. Seriously.
I'm going to throw up in my hat.
-From what? From what? From just hearing this?
-The president's doctor says he has a loose cough.
-...but has a loose cough. -A loose cough.
-A bit of a loose cough. -A loose cough.
-Kind of loose cough.
-Alright, man, enough. You won. Just talk about something else.
-Like what? -I don't know.
Something bland, like the weather.
-Okay, then.
-A moist feeling hanging over the city right now.
-Sticky mugginess.
-Still hot and sticky.
-Steam, sticky, sweaty. -Yes.
-Are you proud of yourself now?
-Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I am a little bit, yeah.
Moving on. Tariq Trotter, everybody.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Moist weather. -Moist!
-He has a moist cough. -Moist cough.
-Moving on, I read that The White House
has sanctioned a woman who is believed to be
Vladimir Putin's girlfriend.
-Ooh!
-It's weird when your girlfriend breaks up with you and says,
"It's not you, it's the international sanctions."
Some business news.
Tinder just announced that their C.E.O. is stepping down.
Yep. She's been there less than a year, but, ironically,
it's still the longest-ever relationship on Tinder.
Yep, since it's Tinder, I'm surprised it wasn't
announced and then the C.E.O.
didn't just ghost the company.
But this was nice.
On her last day, the whole staff made her
a giant collage of unsolicited naked selfies.
-Aww! -That was sweet.
Well, guys, everyone loves TikTok,
but, sometimes, you just want to skip the boring parts
of a video and get right to the good part.
Well, we are here to help you.
For instance, if you are watching this video,
you can skip this part.
Yeah.
And just go right to this.
We're here to help. We... [ Laughter ]
She tricked the dog. -Yeah, tricked that dog.
-Really tricked that dog. -She got that dog.
That dog's dumb. -Yeah, that dog is dumb, right?
-That dog is dumb, man. -Yeah.
-Can't figure out nothing.
Whack! -Idiot of a dog.
-Did they build their house wrong?
-Let me... [ Laughter ]
Let me give you another example.
During this production of "Peter Pan,"
you can skip this part.
-Yeah, yeah. And just go right to this part.
Wow! That's an entrance.
[ Laughter ]
That's an entrance right there. I love that.
And this one.
Oh, man, this might be my favorite.
Here's the final example. You can skip this part.
-Cheers. -Cheers.
-You won't believe it.
And you go right to this part.
-Oh! Oh!
-Wow! -Oh! Oh-ho-ho!
Oh! Moist cough.
-Yeah, loose cough.
[ Coughs hoarsely ]
Some entertainment news.
Warner Bros. spent $90 million on its upcoming "Batgirl" movie,
but following poor test-audience reviews,
they decided not to release it anywhere.
-Ooh!
-I've got to say, if this is part of a marketing scheme,
it's working, 'cause now I really want to see this movie.
I mean, this is rough.
I mean, there's a TV series about Alfred the butler,
but this is where they drew the line?
How bad could it be?
I mean, not only did "Cats" get released,
it was in theaters for two whole months.
Well, we asked Warner Bros. to send over the best parts of
the movie so we could judge for ourselves,
and this is what we got.
♪♪
There you go. Okay.
Yeah. -Wow.
-Hey, guys, listen to this.
I read that CNN is really struggling right now,
as their ratings have plummeted nearly 30% since last year.
The bad news is, CNN had to report the story.
The good news is, nobody really saw it, you know?
So...
Apparently, CNN is losing so much money,
they just took Wolf Blitzer and Anderson Cooper
to a pawnshop and tried to sell them as silver.
-What? -Yeah.
Guys, we're always trying to put a positive spin on the news.
So to make things seem a little lighter,
we took some news clips and put a Snapchat filter on them.
It's time for "Filtered News." Check this out.
[ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪
-♪ "Filtered News" ♪
-Two top aides to former vice president Pence
have now testified before a federal grand jury.
-In Washington, President Biden is in isolation again
after another positive COVID test over the weekend.
-Sources say the Homeland Security
inspector general first learned of
missing Secret Service texts in May of 2021.
-The Federal Reserve is expected to raise interest rates
for the fourth time this year.
-In Washington, a troubling report on the U.S. economy
is raising new concerns about a recession.
-Sox are falling apart,
but let's build for the future of the least.
-John, that was expert work.
You turned the Mega Millions into book promotion,
then into Red Sox promotion.
-CNN can now reveal how Russia stopped democratic change
over 6,000 miles away in Sudan.
That's right. There you go.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Hey, you guys, get this.
It was just announced that private companies
flying to the International Space Station
will have to be chaperoned by a former NASA astronaut.
Yep, space chaperones.
Yep, they make sure everyone
keeps their rocket in their pocket.
Yeah. Of course, they'll have that one fun chaperone
who's like, "Hey, I spiked the Tang."
And finally, it's now the middle of summer.
And, obviously, the big trend of summer '22 is,
of course, coastal grandmas.
Everyone's talking about it.
You got grandmas in Monterey,
grandmas in the Hamptons, Cape Cod.
I'm talking floppy hats, linen outfits, giant sunglasses.
It is the biggest thing.
In fact, it's the hottest song in the world right now,
and we're about to debut the music video.
So here it is, the world premiere of "Coastal Grandma"
with a little help from Jane Fonda.
[ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪
♪ You don't know what your body's doing to me ♪
♪ It's like all your cool comes naturally ♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪ Tell me what you call this, I'm in agony ♪
-Coastal grandmother.
-♪ Oh, okay ♪
♪ Oh, oh, okay ♪
♪ Statement necklace, floppy hat ♪
♪ Breeze in your linen pants ♪
♪ Ain't nothing wrong with that ♪
♪ Nothing wrong with that ♪
♪ Your gardening gloves, they just drive me crazy ♪
♪ Only you could wear 18 shades of beige and navy ♪
♪ Open-concept kitchen, sensible shoes ♪
♪ Divorce your husband and then binge "The View" ♪
♪ Go to the beach and put some shells in a jar ♪
♪ Put it in the bathroom near the towel bar ♪
♪ Near the towel bar ♪
♪ Coastal grandma ♪
♪ $5 check in the mail ♪ ♪ Coastal grandma ♪
♪ She's fine as hell ♪ ♪ Coastal grandma ♪
♪ It's plain to see ♪ ♪ Coastal grandma ♪
♪ Got me eating dinner at 3:00 ♪
♪ Coastal grandma ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪ ♪ Coastal grandma ♪
-Now, anybody need a Tums? Hmm?
[ Cheers and applause ]
-My thanks to Jane Fonda.
Her new movie, "Luck,"
will premiere on Apple TV+ this Friday.