I cannot, for the life of me,
imagine why you all chose me to be the speaker of today's graduation.
I have nothing to say to you.
And I know the names of maybe three of you.
In asking me to be today's speaker, you've...
really just signed up for a whole bunch of inspirational quotes, so...
Let's begin.
Well, guys, we made it!
And after this I will be collecting 50 dollars from each of you who bet...
that I wouldn't be graduating with the class of 2021.
That's right! It turns out you can party every night...
and get a university degree.
Who knew?
A special thank you to literally all my professors...
who gave me several extensions for assignments.
The fact that you all think that this piece of paper...
is going to make your lives better is absolutely ludicrous.
I could burn it later tonight and that wouldn't change the fact...
that in five years time I'm still gonna be an absolute boss.
I have been waiting four years to be able to do this.
Here is my list of exactly where each one of you has fallen short...
of your potential over the years.
And I'll be going through the list alphabetically.
Abram, Sofia.
In first year, you told us all that you wouldn't be waking up...
past 8 a.m. every morning.
Please see the email that I've sent you detailing your exact wake-up times...
over the last eight semesters.
I think you'll find the data to be quite telling of just one of the lies...
you've been telling yourself since day one.
So...
We're about to head out into the real world, and...
Can I be honest with you?
I'm a little bit scared.
I'm sure you can all relate.
No? Can't relate?
Surely, you're a little bit scared.
The idea that you have to be your own person...
while simultaneously knowing that you can't be everything...
that the world wants you to be.
No?
Well...
You're right. It's no big deal.
I don't even think that much about it...
and it certainly doesn't keep me up at night.
Okay, I did prepare palm cards because, as we know,
I'm incapable of sticking to time limits on speeches.
This is such a great occasion and I'm so glad that I get to share it with you, guys.
Guys, for real though!
You're all just such incredible human beings,
and I'm so incredibly blessed that I get to share this with you, guys.
Also, can we just appreciate the decorations?
The graduation committee absolutely nailed it!
Stunning!
Also, speaking of stunning, Amy, your dress: gorgeous!
Also, does anyone else feel like a wizard right now with these sleeves?
For those of you who are graduating today: Well done. You deserved it.
For those of you who didn't make the cut for graduating today...
You also deserved it.
For those of you who are somehow graduating today...
even though you shouldn't be...
Make no mistake, your laziness will catch up to you one day.
Because let me tell you a secret:
The only thing standing in the way between you...
and the person you want to be in five years...
Is you.
"Stop speaking in platitudes!"
Now I'll pretend that I didn't hear that, Jeremy,
because we all know that there's something deeper going on there.
We all heard you crying in the bathroom the other night.
Oh, spicy!
Get therapy.
No, seriously. We all need to get therapy.
I believe it was Pablo Picasso who said:
"Only put off until tomorrow what you are willing to die having left undone."
You gotta chase your dreams, guys!
This moment is gonna expire soon.
That moment just did.
And that moment.
Well, I'm suddenly aware of how much of your time I'm taking up...
and how little I've thought about this speech.
I see a lot of confused faces, because you've no doubt done the math...
that I'm not, in fact, this year's chosen speaker.
That's because your beloved Jessica Cartwright...
is currently being held hostage in an undisclosed area.
Let's see what a university degree does for her now.
I don't know how much more clearly I can say this:
You've all been running around in circles.
You're going to get a rude awakening today when you leave and realize that the world...
doesn't care if you're top of the class and you've got the literature exam.
It doesn't care if you're a captain of the chess team...
and it certainly doesn't care if you're a good person;
because guess what?
The world is a money-chasing machine and it will crush you.
What? You weren't ready for that message?
Well, then, you shouldn't have given me this platform.
People have told us along the way that...
life's gonna be hard.
But I think we can all agree that we have our friends,
our family, our ambitions and the awesome study habits...
that we've learned together at this university.
So we're gonna be just fine.
Hi, everyone!
For some reason you've chosen me as this year's speaker, and...
I can't tell you how much that baffles me, but...
I figured that I would say something about my experience at this university.
This was just a necessity that I had to go through in order to get a job.
I found little value in the whole classroom experience.
I'm a fan of knowledge, and...
You all seem to have learned something during your time here, so...
That's good.
I've loved every second of our time together, guys!
And this doesn't have to be the end of our friendship.
You've all got my phone number; and for those of you who don't,
I've put it up on the screen for you.
Now no prank phone calls.
Okay, maybe a few prank phone calls.
It's funny to me that you've all chosen me as this year's speaker...
when I've literally been saying to you since day one that you're all a bunch of sheep.
(laughts)
No, no. Stop clapping me and get your own opinions.
(laughts)
No, really. You're going to fail in life if you don't start thinking for yourselves.
(laughts)
(claps)
All right, whatever. I'm the best!