[Allison] I've saved the worst for last.
Our Triple Feature ends with Voyager, truly the pinnacle of UPN's many achievements.
I've been getting a lot of messages questioning why I've not included the original Star Trek in this marathon
and I don't know if you know this, but there's 50 years worth of material here,
so I'd appreciate a little patience with my watch time.
I do know from the comments I've probably already got an episode selected for the future though,
but I guess I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.
Yeah, I haven't watched the original series yet, so what?
You already accepted that I watched Enterprise first so I got nothing else to lose in admitting that.
but I can tell you immediately it's gonna be better than Voyager
because, oh man, rarely has a show not held up so badly as my revisiting this mess.
It is a mean-spirited clunky show constantly falling short of its potential,
but with some occasional moments of brilliance hoisted up by a talented cast.
And that's something that's new to me because I remember sort of liking it as a kid.
If we're gonna be pedantic about this, Enterprise really wasn't my first Star Trek.
My dad's a trekkie and he didn't care for Deep Space 9, so the Trek I saw as a kid was Voyager.
Two things of note, one, I was not terribly invested in it,
and two, I remembered next to nothing of it rewatching these as an adult.
Though Voyager and Enterprise are probably the reasons that for so long
I associated Trek with boring status reports and technobabble.
I did however recall thinking Seven of Nine was cool,
and since I was a kid with terrible taste and my favourite character was always the most annoying and loathed,
I liked Neelix.
But all of this was sort of images in the periphery of my mind.
I couldn't really tell you about specific episodes or plots,
or even really the premise of the show outside of people in space.
One episode, however, that I have a vivid recollection of seeing the night it aired was "Threshold",
and, oh man, what an episode to stick with me all these years.
I had no context for why anything was happening however,
so here's something new for adult me to gape at in horror.
Let me be a little fairer here.
Voyager did improve after the first two or three seasons in pacing and character moments.
They did backslide in the sexism department, but I guess that's a whole other can of worms.
Well, "Threshold" comes to us smack dab in the middle of season two,
so not only is it bad, it's a bad episode that stands out in a season of bad episodes.
In fact, it is infamously Voyager's worst episode ever, so let's cross the threshold together.
We begin with Paris running simulations to reach Warp 10,
something that's never been done before, a hobby he's testing out, oh, in his downtime.
of course a nice bonus of reaching Warp 10 would be getting Voyager out of the Delta Quadrant and back home,
the downside is that he keeps making a shuttle go boom.
Now might be a bad time for me to mention that I am not a terribly scientifically inclined person,
so while this episode might get a lot of stuff wrong,
if you want a mission log style analysis of the how and why, me too stupid.
So I don't know, you try and suss out this word salad.
[Scientists discuss science while Neelix 'helps']
The short version, our crew of space nerds can't figure out how to go Warp 10
because it's a theoretical impossibility, if you ignore all of those other times in Trek
where people went Warp 10 or more, and also the very premise of the show.
But maybe Neelix, comic relief hedgehog and self-proclaimed first chef in Star Trek,
can throw a little quantum warp theory magic their way.
-Infinite velocity.
-Got it, so that means very fast.
He does not.
If however someone did manage to break Warp 10 they'd be going at infinite speeds,
meaning they'd occupy all points of the universe simultaneously.
But with the discovery of a new form of dilithium, this theoretical impossibility might just become possible.
A short anecdote by Neelix gives Paris an idea that can maybe stop
their shuttle from falling apart once it reaches the threshold.
So basically six minutes into this, Tom Paris has solved a theoretical impossibility over lunch.
This is just like a means to a very stupid end in this episode.
It's super important to Paris personally that he completes this flight and breaks Warp 10,
because of his lingering daddy issues, and thirst to prove that he's more than the man
who ended up in prison for crimes against Starfleet.
I find it suspect that Janeway is telling him he shouldn't risk the flight due to a 2% chance of his death.
"Well, I weighed my options, and when given the choice
between needlessly endangering a crew member and destroying their dreams,
I went with the one that is the most prolonged amount of suffering."
-Please.
-Please, let me make the flight.
"Beg for your life, cretin."
"Hey it's me, Raphael Sbarge. And I'm still here.
Stay tuned for the epic conclusion of my multi-episode arc
where I get thrown into a big green fart hole by Neelix."
[Farts]
"A Cuchi Moya, am I right, Captain?"
"Shut up, Chakotay, you're on report."
"Just poop the shuttle out and away we go."
[Farts]
Sure enough our hero shatters the world record and reaches Warp 10,
truly a momentous occasion as you can see.
-Warp 10!
-Yes.
[Farts]
They get a little worried when he disappears for a bit,
but it's just for a dramatic commercial break and he manages to swing back around.
-Yes.
Considering his plan literally boiled down to occupy all points of the universe simultaneously
and then brake really fast, I'm kind of baffled he was able to control where he ended up somehow.
Being everywhere all at once wipes Tom out, so he takes a little trip to sick bay.
-Can you wake him?
-I don't see why not.
-WAKE UP LIEUTENANT.
The doctor is the best, he's got to try that trick on Chakotay sometime.
-For a moment I was everywhere.
-It was like...
-Well, no, it wasn't like anything.
Truly a life shattering experience.
Well, that's never gonna be brought up again.
Hey, we gonna get to the dumb salamanders or whatever?
Look, I've never traveled Warp 10 but I'm gonna call bullshit on their computers
somehow being able to map and store information on every part of the universe.
Also, this doesn't come up again either.
-If we could figure out how to come out of transwarp at a specific point...
-This could get us home.
Well duh, just do what Tom did. Magic.
"Wait 'til Sisko hears about this. Please care about my plot."
The biggest mistake Paris makes however is drinking some of Neelix's coffee.
"Damn you, Neelix."
"The ship is mine now, hehehe."
"Chakotay, you're on report."
"Whoa, these dingle dong readings are off the charts."
Well, things aren't going so good for Tom right now.
In fact, for some reason he's slowly mutating into something else.
-Pepperoni!
-God, I'd love a pepperoni pizza with Kavarian olives right now. I'm starving!
He's got bad-line-itis, it's too late for him now.
Better start grooming Harry to be his replacement.
-Yes.
"Tell Harry I never really liked him. I just hung out with him because he made me look cooler."
[Flatline]
Dying's the least of Paris's problems however, because pretty soon he's back, and flakier than ever.
[Music: Frosted Flakes commercial]
His transformation into Brundle Tom is almost complete.
-Pretty disgusting, huh?
By the way, this episode won an Emmy for makeup,
and I'm not knocking on it because Michael Westmore is great and this is suitably gross,
but it is also hilarious to me that you can truthfully say Emmy Award-winning episode "Threshold".
Maybe that's why you can go to eBay right now and buy a mutated Tom Paris action figure for 5 bucks,
because that's what kids wanted in 1996, or ever.
Not only is Tom changing on the outside but he's changing on the inside as well.
Sure he's transforming beyond recognition, but come on, he was a total disappointment before.
-How do you know this isn't the best thing that's ever happened to me?
"Noted. Doctor, shoot him out the airlock."
Heheh. Gross.
"Hey man, you'd tell me if I looked stupid, right?"
"Oh yeah, totally."
"Do I look stupid?"
"Well, you know, the design needs some work."
"What the Hell man, this episode won an Emmy for makeup effects."
"Yeah, but not like... not for yours."
"You know what, screw you man, Carnosaur sucked."
"I was also in The Hidden."
"The Hidden was alright."
"The Hidden 2."
"This call is over."
[Hangs up]
-I believe the answer lies in forcing his DNA to revert to its original coding.
-Once that occurs his body should return to its former state.
-The only place on this ship which generates antiprotons is the warp core.
-We'll have to take the warp core offline, then i'll need about three hours to set up an interface.
You know, maybe Paris was right, maybe this was the best thing that's ever happened to him.
Some sort of primal instinct is taking over leading Tom towards some other destination.
So via the lamest off-screen fight ever conceived, he breaks out of his restraints and runs away.
I can't believe Janeway's skull is made out of paper mache.
-Someone's depressurizing shuttlebay 2.
-What?
Holy shit, don't fly off the handle, Chakotay.
-What?
[Farts]
Well, I know Janeway and Paris went Warp 10 and occupied all places in the universe,
but lucky for Voyager they landed, I don't know, right over there.
As they close in on their missing crewmates after three days of searching space blindly,
the doctor thinks he has an explanation for what's been happening.
-The changes in his DNA are consistent with the evolutionary development of the human genotype.
-Increased brain capacity, the loss of vestigial organs.
-Are you saying lieutenant Paris is evolving?
Pardon? Ex-queeze me?
-What?
Okay so, apparently, by going so fast he was everywhere at once,
Paris sped up the natural human evolutionary process by millions of years
and became humanity's future... so okay Voyager, why don't you show us what's in store?
[Allison bursts out laughing]
Okay, okay... no, come on now, come on. This is not really it, come on.
You try and explain to me how this is what humans are going to evolve into.
Like, what traits specifically were an improvement?
I was unaware that this is how evolution works but looks like Star Trek set me straight.
The only thing I can possibly think of during the scene is the poor puppeteers,
who had to get into the salamander suits and crawl around on their bellies,
pretending to be mutated Paris and Janeway.
Behold, evolution!
[Muppet Show theme]
Wait, how long is this gestation period? They were only gone for three days.
Holy shit, salamander Janeway and Paris get around.
Well, lucky for them they were able to cure evolutionary salamander offscreen, easy peasy.
But wait, why would they want to go back to being puny old humans
when they can be super amphibious humans from the future?
So question, if this is so easy to cure, why don't they just use Warp 10 to get back to Earth
and then just fix everyone after? They've got at least one crew member who we know won't be affected,
so really this is a viable solution, but oh well, guess this story is gonna be forgotten, as we all wanted.
"Hey, captain, do you think it's a bad idea for the show to have an episode
where we turn into salamanders and have children together
and brush it off with no psychological consequences?"
-What makes you think it was your idea?
-Sometimes it's the female of a species that initiates mating.
Oh, that makes it okay then.
In probably the only thing that works about this story, Tom realizes that breaking the threshold
was really just a quick fix for him and his true happiness has to be found within himself.
And the only reason this was included was because Robert Duncan McNeill helped them
rewrite the scene so he could find something deeper to ground this story.
So basically he was trying to find the nugget of gold in the salamander stew.
Well, "Threshold" has a deserved reputation.
It's pretty hard to justify any of the science and, you know, it's just plain silly.
But here's what credit I'll give it: the makeup is fantastic and the body horror is satisfyingly gross.
While it is ridiculous, it makes the journey leading up to it really interesting to watch.
Robert Duncan McNeill is acting his heart out, and through pounds and pounds of makeup.
And I think that's something that's really hard to do so props to him.
Everything, about "Threshold" falls apart under any scrutiny,
but you can definitely enjoy a laugh at its expense.
And you might disagree, but maybe, you're just not evolved enough to get it.
[Voyager theme]