Unlimited continuing education for $59 at AllCEUs.com
hey there everybody and welcome to today's presentation on ghosting and Trauma what's the connection I'm your host Dr Donnelly Snipes let's face it most of us get ghosted at one
point or another and it is really unpleasant there's just no two ways about it but what
is ghosting ultimately we want to look at what is this Behavior saying remember we talk about
Behavior being communication when you get ghosted the person is abandoning the relationship so the
question becomes why was it me a lot of times the answer is no it wasn't so why do people ghost a
lot of times people are seeking happiness in the wrong places they're hoping that if they meet
quote the right person that they will suddenly be happy and their world will suddenly brighten up
and their problems will go away and that's just not realistic but a lot of people do do that
some people ghost because they have the scent that The Grass Is Always Greener and apps like Tinder
have done a lot to really promote that where if you're talking to somebody or interacting with
somebody and they're not exactly perfect like immediately that maybe there's somebody else
out there that is so you can just keep swiping and swiping and swiping and it wastes a lot of energy
and ultimately the reality is nobody's perfect but that's we'll talk about that in a few minutes
some people ghost because they're trying to avoid confrontation they've learned growing up
that confrontation is not safe or maybe they don't have the assertiveness skills that they need but
instead of communicating to their partner hey this isn't working for me or I really wish you would
fill in the blank they just say you know what no I don't like what's going on so I'm just going to
leave unfortunately when they get into the next relationship and the relationship after that
they're probably going to have the same problem of having something that's not exactly right but not
having the skills or willingness to address it and the last reason people ghost that we're going to
talk about today and I know there's lots of other reasons can be insecurity if they start feeling
vulnerable in a relationship if they're starting to get close to somebody and care about them
if they've had abandonment experiences in the past it may start feeling too scary to stay in that
relationship so they'd rather just cut bait and move on than to stay in the current relationship
practical tools available to everybody by supporting the channel you can donate
any amount at docsnipes.com donate or on cash app doc Snipes you can become
a member of the YouTube channel and get perks you can go to docsnipes.com
join or purchase a super thanks on any videos that are particularly helpful
back to the video when people get ghosted it may reopen old abandonment traumas if you've been
ghosted in the past or maybe you were abandoned and or had an insecure attachment even with your
primary caregivers then when somebody in the future ghosts you when they fail to
um hold up their end of the relationship it can feel like you're back there all over again and you
might start asking yourselves the same thing you did back then what's wrong with me why did they do
this when people get ghosted it negatively impacts their self-esteem because they personalize it
many of us will look at a situation and say okay what did I do wrong or how did I bring
this on and a lot of times it isn't you it is them because they're looking for Magical happiness or
the grass being Greener they weren't able to communicate with you what they needed in the
relationship or or something else now sometimes it may just be a bad fit but a lot of times it
has to do more with their stuff so it's important to step back and evaluate the situation and go
you know did the relationship seem like it was going okay and
if so you know if I felt like I wasn't doing anything wrong in the relationship
um and this person suddenly ghosts is that a person I really want to be in a relationship with
anyway because when we get into a more serious relationship if they ghost how much will that hurt
and when people get ghosted it may cause them to withdraw because it seems to be a waste of
energy to try and form relationships they start talking to somebody they get ghosted they start
trying to talk to somebody again they get ghosted again and it can feel like a pointless endeavor
so what do you do about it well seek support and feedback talk with your friends about their
experiences of what's going on because that can be really validating when you hear that they
are experiencing the same thing getting feedback can also be helpful from a trusted friend who is
willing to tell you you didn't do anything wrong or yeah it seemed like you were being a little
bit pushy in this relationship or something so feedback can be really helpful from supportive
others in your life avoid self-blame even if you were being too pushy for example all right well
if the person would have told you and said you're moving too fast I need to slow the pace a little
bit you probably would have been fine with it so maybe something you did contributed but something
they didn't do also contributed their lack of communication about what they needed or what they
were feeling contributed to the situation reframe The Narrative and consider alternate explanations
for why somebody may have ghosted and it could be if you were talking to them online and then they
suddenly ghost maybe their significant other came back from vacation or something like that or again
maybe they just decided that they were trying to find some Rush that they weren't getting from this
interaction which I didn't mention that on the last slide but new relationship energy is another
thing that may cause some people to ghost because when you get into a new relationship there's
excitement and you're getting to know each other and there's a lot of endorphins and other hormones
that are going crazy and once you've been together for a little bit that subsides and that's normal
but some people are constantly chasing the high of the new relationship energy so that's another
reason why you may get ghosted feel your feelings and explore their Roots if you feel disappointed
if you feel depressed if you feel betrayed those are all normal emotions feel those feelings and
explore how the current situation triggered those feelings and how to regain a sense of personal
power and self-control and it's also important to look back and see is this opening Old Wounds
sometimes we get into relationships with people who are unavailable or likely to ghost us because
we've been in those relationships before and we're trying to get it right this time
we're trying to force somebody to stay in a relationship with us so it is important again
not to only consider this context this time but to make sure that there's not unresolved
stuff from the past that is contributing to your current level of hurt and disappointment
practice self-care as I said it never feels good to get ghosted so practicing self-care allowing
yourself to feel your feelings allowing yourself to be disappointed or angry for
a period of time taking care of yourself instead of ignoring your feelings is going to be important
when you're in relationships set boundaries and communicate needs if you are not telling
a person it's really important if we're in a relationship that I hear from you periodically
they may think that you were just talking once a week and that's plenty and you may not feel that
way or whatever your needs are it's important to communicate this is what I need in a relationship
and hear what they need in a relationship and then you can potentially work out a compromise
now obviously you're not going to do this the first day you start talking you want to
do it inappropriate time but it is important to make sure there's not a misunderstanding about how
frequently you want to have contact or how serious you think the relationship is and then stay open
to new connections but consider the context if you are trying to meet people on Tinder or a similar
app the chances of you getting ghosted are a whole lot higher than if you are meeting at a social
club or you're establishing relationships with people that you encounter throughout your work day
so that is also important people are a lot less likely to ghost you if you are if you have a
relationship in real life if they're going to run into you throughout the you know the days
the weeks whatever then they're less likely to ghost than if they are pretty well guaranteed that
you will never run into them and they will never have to deal with answering for their abandonment
most everyone gets ghosted and it's uh when you find yourself dwelling on a particular
ghost ask yourself if that person is worth your energy and if there is a better way
that you could use your energy to move toward healthy fulfilling relationships