THERE ARE SO MANY DECISIONS TO MAKE FOR A SHOW LIKE THIS.
THERE ARE SO MANY THINGS I COULD TALK ABOUT RIGHT NOW.
SO MANY THINGS HAPPEN IN THE WORLD.
BUT SOMETIMES I CAN'T MAKE UP MY MIND.
I CANNOT DECIDE WHAT WE'RE GOING TO TALK ABOUT ON THE SHOW, SO
SOMETIMES I LEAVE THOSE DECISIONS TO ONE OF MY TALENTED
PRODUCERS OR SOMETIMES I LEAVE THAT DECISION TO MY GOOD FRIEND
JACK DANIEL'S.
AND A LOT OF TIMES I LEAVE THAT DECISION TO RANDOM CHANCE.
THIS IS...
>> Audience: WHEEL OF NEWS!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: NOW, LONGTIMERSS
OF "WHEEL OF THE NEWS" KNOW WE HAVE INSTALLED A GIANT SPINNING
WHEEL IN THE CEILING OF THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER WITH IMPORTANT
NEWS TOPICS LIKE "POLITICS," "ENTERTAINMENT," AND "FREE
SPIN."
WHEREVER THE WHEEL LANDS, THAT'S THE STORY I TALK ABOUT.
AND TO OPERATE IT, I JUST PULL A HIGH TECH LEVER, WHICH IS HELD
UP BY MY UNDER-THE-DESK GUY, BRENDAN.
COME ON OUT HERE, BRENDAN!
GIVE IT UP FOR BRENDAN, EVERYBODY.
BRENDAN.
BRENDAN, I COULD NOT DO THIS WITHOUT YOU.
BRENDAN, YOU KNOW,UN, YOU KNOW, THAT YOU ARE A CREDIT TO LEVER
HOLDERS EVERYWHERE, AND I ADMIRE YOUR SKILL AND DEDICATION.
>> THANKS, MAN, THAT MEANS A LOT.
>> Stephen: OKAY, GET IN THE HOLE, GET IN THE HOLE.
GET DOWN THERE.
ARE WE READY TO DO IT?
ARE WE READY?
>> WAIT.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE A BIG MAN FOR SUCH A TINY HOLE, BRAND AN,
I HAVE TO SAY.
WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO START GREASING YOU UP PRETTY SOON.
ARE YOU READY TO DO THIS, BRENDAN?
>> I'M READY.
>> Stephen: LET'S SPIN IS ITT!
CRIME!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) PEOPLE LOVE THE CRIME STORIES.
IN CRIME NEWS, A LITTLE GIRL IN RENO, NEVADA, RECENTLY WITNESSED
AN ATTEMPTED ARMED ROBBERY OF A CONVENIENCE STORE.
NOW THE GIRL'S OKAY, AND SHE EVEN OFFERED TO HELP POLICE BY
DOING THIS DRAWING OF THE SUSPECTS.
THAT'S HIM ON THE LEFT.
AND THIS PICTURE OVER HERE ON THE RIGHT IS EVIDENTLY HER
SISTER BEING BITTEN BY A SHARK.
THIS IS AN ALL-POINTS BULLETIN, FOLKS.
EVERYONE, BE ON THE LOOKOUT FOR A MAN WITH EITHER HAIR OR A HAT,
NO KNEES, AND 5:00 SHADOW THAT IS WIDER THAN HIS FACE.
ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S SPIN-- EXCUSE ME, SIR.
YOU LOOK VERY FAMILIAR.
>> WHO, ME?
>> Stephen: YES.
WERE YOU AT A CONVENIENCE STORE IN RENO RECENTLY?
>> NO.
NOPE.
JUST A BIG FAN.
WHOO!
WHEEL OF NEWS!
SPIN AGAIN!
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: OKAY, THAT CHECKS OUT.
THAT CHECKS OUT.
SORRY, SORRY.
HERE WE GO, NEXT STORY.
FOOD NEWS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: MY GOOD NIGHT!
>> Stephen: IN THE WORLD OF FOOD, THERE'S A NEW
PLANT-BASED DRINK ON THE MARKET CALLED RIPPLE THAT, ACCORDING
ITS MANUFACTURER, IS SOMETHING CALLED PEA MILK.
THAT IS GREAT NEWS IF YOU ARE LACTOSE INTOLERANT, OR IF YOUR
DOCTOR SAYS YOU SHOULD BE DRINKING MORE PEA.
MILK SUBSTITUTES HAVE NOW OFFICIALLY GONE TOO FAR.
FIRST, WE MILKED THE SOY, AND I SAID NOTHING.
THEN WE MILKED THE RICE, AND STILL I REMAINED SILENT.
NEXT, WE MILKED OUR NUTS.
ALMONDS, CASHEWS, COCONUTS.
NEXT THING WE KNEW, WE WERE EVEN MILKING OUR MUSCLE AND OUR
"OF MAGNESIA."
AND NOW WE'RE BEING ASKED TO DRINK PEA MILK.
WELL, I FOR ONE UBELIEVE-- LOOK OUT!
>> AHHH!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
>> Stephen: I'M SURE HE'S FINE.
I'M SURE HE'S FINE.
NO, I'M SURE HE'S FINE.
I'M SURE HE'S FINE.
LET'S SPIN IT!
SUDDEN, HEARTBREAKING AWARENESS OF MORTALITY!
JIM, LET'S PUT FIVE SECONDS OF AWARENESS ON THE CLOCK.
( BUZZER ) OKAY!
SPIN HER AGAIN!
SNACK NEWS!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) A GREAT AMERICAN TRADITION HAS
FALLEN.
I'M TALKING, OF COURSE, ABOUT CRACKER JACKS.
I HAVE A BOX EVERY TIME I AM AT THE BALLPARK.
IT SPRINKLES OVER MY NAWCHOSE.
IT'S DELICIOUS.
RECENTLY, CRACKER JACK CRACKER JACK-SLAPPED US WITH THE
ANNOUNCEMENT THAT CRACKERJACK IS GETTING RID OF THE TOY IN THE
CRACKERJACK BOX.
APPARENTLY, INSTEAD OF A PRIZE, YOU GET A
STICKER WITH A Q.R. CODE ON IT THAT TAKES YOU TO AN ONLINE
GAME.
IT COMBINES KIDS' TWO FAVORITE THINGS: DELAYED GRATIFICATION
AND NOT GETTING TOYS.
IF YOU ASK ME, THIS IS THE WORST THING TO HAPPEN TO CRACKER JACKS
THING TO HAPPEN TO CRACKER JACK SINCE...
TO HEAR THE PUNCHLINE, SIMPLY SCAN THIS Q.R. CODE.
THEN WHEN YOU GET TO THE WEB SITE, CONFIRM YOU ARE OVER 18
AND ENTER CODE "CRACKERJOKE," THEN, AFTER A 30-SECOND CHASE
SAPPHIRE CREDIT CARD AD, LAUGHTER IS YOURS!