So many of us struggle with behaviors
that create problems in our life
and that make it difficult
to reach our goals.
Self sabotage is a part of all our lives,
is it not?
Today, I am going to tell you "No"
and I am going to tell you why.
[Intro music]
There Is No Such Thing as Self Sabotage
The first thing we need to do is to look at some examples
of self-sabotage;
We have something to do,
but we procrastinate it.
We hold onto addictions like binge eating or drinking.
Consciously, we really want a relationship to work
but we keep pushing the other person away
or doing and saying things to create conflict in the relationship.
We consciously want a job,
but we suddenly say things in the interview
that makes the boss check us off his list of candidates.
You get the idea.
Self sabotage is essentially thoughts,
words and actions,
in other words, behaviors that are self defeating.
They work against you when it comes to attaining something you want.
Clearly, given all of these examples I’ve just given you,
which is just the tip of the iceberg,
it’s obvious that self sabotage is a reality,
so how the hell can I say that it is not a reality?
If you haven’t done so before,
you have to pause this video right now,
and before you watch the rest of this video,
because I want you to come back to it,
I want you to watch the video that I have created that’s titled;
Fragmentation (The Worldwide Disease)
Consciousness can and does split itself
so even though you may identify yourself
as one person because you call yourself by one name,
the truth is you are more of an amalgamation
of parts or selves.
We are more like a mosaic
or a stained-glass window.
And our degree of internal suffering is about the degree of harmony
or lack thereof, between these internal selves.
If you are experiencing self sabotage,
it is because not all of your internal selves or parts
agree with your conscious desires.
One or more of them are resisting or opposing
the part that contains your conscious desires.
I am making a bold claim here,
which I am perfectly capable of supporting,
because this is what I am saying;
If you are experiencing
any kind of self sabotage,
what is actually occurring
is that one or more parts within you
think that you going in the direction
that you consciously want to go in
is actually the road to ruin.
This means there is no such thing
as an internal saboteur
and no such thing as an internal abuser.
Any of these opposed parts
are doing so because they think it's in fact in your best interest to do so.
Obviously, if something thinks
that it is in your best interest to do something,
or it thinks it’s saving your life
by preventing you from doing something,
we can’t really say it’s against you,
can we?
And it’s very important for us to understand
that this is the dynamic that is actually occurring,
for us to do anything about it.
So you can understand this point more intensely,
I’m going to give you some examples;
We have something to do but we procrastinate it.
In this scenario, one fragment, a part within us,
the one we are consciously identified with,
has made the decision to do something.
The other part thinks that doing that thing
will lead to discomfort or some kind of pain,
therefore it is trying to prevent you from experiencing that pain,
by keeping you from doing it.
We hold onto addictions like binge eating or drinking.
In this scenario, one part, the one we are consciously identified with,
has decided it is committed to stop the addiction.
The other part believes that the life you want
is not actually possible to achieve.
So, it thinks that letting go of the addiction
will simply make it so you are in hell alone
and now you just have to sit
in the agony of that misery permanently.
It would rather you have the "Novocaine",
so to speak.
Consciously, we really want a relationship to work,
but we keep pushing the other person away
or doing and saying things that create conflict in the relationship.
In this scenario, one fragment or part within us,
the one we are consciously identified with,
has made the decision to be in a relationship and to make it work.
Another part knows that relationship
has been so painful in the past
and that it has been abandoned,
and therefore thinks abandonment is inevitable.
So it's trying to save you from the pain of getting attached to something
that you are inevitably going to lose.
You consciously want a job,
but you suddenly say things in the interview
that makes the boss check you off his list of candidates.
In this scenario,
one part of you has decided the best idea is to work at that job.
The other part thinks that job
is not what you should be doing at all.
That is the opposite
of your authentic essence
and that therefore life would be drudgery and effort
if you take that job.
Obviously, self-hate has to be the exception to the rule, right?
That’s where you think you've got me beat.
Think again.
When you discover the parts involved in self hate,
what you find is that a person internalizes their external abuser.
Essentially, one part feels
that by hating and punishing
and therefore trying to get another part to change,
it is preventing them from getting that hate and disapproval and shaming
and punishment from the outside,
from another person.
By doing so, it is trying to get the person
the love they so desperately need from the outside.
Did you notice what all of these examples
and any example of self sabotage
has in common?
Is that there are two parts or potentially more,
that are completely opposed to one another
because one believes
that going in this direction is the best thing
that could possibly happen,
and the other one thinks
that going in that direction is the road to ruin.
We have to understand this
for us to create any kind of alignment
between these two parts.
We can’t be focused at the one
who is the saboteur,
as if it doesn’t have our best interests at heart,
as if it is in fact our enemy,
because it isn’t.
It is only when we empathize completely
with the self preserving nature of these parts
that we can do anything
to remedy this opposition within us.
One of the best methods for exploring these parts,
is that we can close our eyes,
we ask to see the aspect in us
that is opposed to our conscious desire.
So, let’s say
you have a job interview to do
and you keep sabotaging the job interviews.
Ask to see the part of you
that keeps failing at the job interview.
Now as you close your eyes,
in your mind’s eye,
I want you to see that part
just as it appears to you.
What does it look like?
What does it need?
What is its actual motives for doing that?
Ask this part of you, in your mind’s eye,
as many questions as you can
as if you are interviewing (with love and compassion)
another person.
And you want to explore that part’s
relationship to other parts.
So, for example,
talking to the aspect that keeps sabotaging jobs;
How do you really feel about the one that really wants to get this job?
Alternatively, what we can do,
is we let go of the perspective of wanting that thing.
So, we let go of that aspect of us
and we choose to completely become only the aspect of us
that does not want that thing we think we want.
It’s almost like we are channeling
just the part of us
that does not want to go in that direction.
Just the internal "saboteur", so to speak.
When you do it this way
you are deciding to let the consciousness of only that part
to take over your body.
As if it were another person within you
and you were simply getting fully into its perspective only.
You can state internally to yourself,
or chose with your intention:
"I accept to become the part of me
that _________."
Such as;
"I accept to become the part of me that shows up late."
Or...
"I accept to become the part of me that wants to keep drinking."
Then we surrender and allow the energy
to fill in the spaces within our whole body
Then we can write as that part,
but when we write, we write in terms of "I",
but "I" will be this part speaking, not you.
I don’t want you to think a lot about
the answers you are giving.
This is almost like a stream of consciousness type of a thing.
Just allow that part to write through you.
But you're gonna do the same thing
that I suggested with the first way to do this exercise.
What does it want? What does it need?
What are its motivations?
How does it feel about other parts?
Become as aware as possible with compassion for this part
that you are now playing, as you can.
Now, the goal is to find some course of action
or some thing that can be done here to create resolve,
so that these currently opposed parts
can be going in the same direction.
An agreed upon direction.
It’s almost like your conscious mind
becomes a loving mediator
that finds a way for both of these
to be on the same page,
instead of pulling against one another.
It must be a win-win for both.
You cannot get into a scenario with your internal aspects
that’s a lose-lose.
But I need you to be open to something.
Sometimes when we allow ourselves
to really explore both of these opposed aspects,
we find that what we thought that we wanted
is not what we actually want,
or that a different course of action
is actually more true to ourselves.
So be open to the idea
that when you do this,
your course of action might have to change.
We will see an end to the self sabotage
when we chose to resolve the pain
contained in this part that is keeping it fragmented from the rest.
We can meet its needs with our imagination
and subsequently implement the changes this part of us needs
in our day to day life.
We can also improve the relationship that this part has
with that part within us that it is opposed to.
By doing this we create internal peace and integration.
We can restore ourselves back to a state of internal peace.
If we experience self sabotage,
we don’t trust ourselves.
We feel like part of us is against us.
But this is me standing here today
saying it isn’t the case.
If you are experiencing any form of "self sabotage"
all it means
is that these two aspects within you
disagree upon the best course of action
for you specifically,
the best decision,
whatever it is.
But they are doing so,
because they want what is best for you.
And it is the purity of that motive
that makes it so that there is no such thing
as self sabotage.
Have a good week.
Subtitles by: Melody & Tanya Duarte