(upbeat music)
- Hey everybody.
Today I wanna talk about expectations.
The reason I wanna talk about this is because,
the holidays are upon us, dun dun.
And with that means, amazing things, right?
The holidays can be great, there's great food.
We get to see a lot of great people.
A lot of times,
this means we get to go home to see people,
and that could be good, if we really like our family.
But the thing that I don't think enough of us talk about,
are expectations.
They're gonna be expectations around the holidays,
and this can lead to them being super stressful,
and overwhelming, and even sometimes kind of toxic.
And what I mean by expectations are things like
your family expecting that you stay with them,
not in a hotel, how rude, how dare you, right,
the guilt, oh.
So they can expect that.
It can be expected that you do all the cooking,
or that you're the peacemaker.
You're the one that's gonna make everything right.
You know like, oh, let's say I'm the peacemaker.
I'm not by the way in my family.
But let's say I am, my mom's like,
"Katie talk to your brother, get him to get."
Yeah, people putting stuff onto you,
making you responsible for things,
then expecting you to do them, right?
It can be overwhelming.
And there can be all of these things that are placed on us,
and if expectations aren't met, it can lead to resentments.
What's the saying is, it's like
"Expectations uncommunicated are resentments in the making."
I think that's it.
Anyways, so that's what I wanna talk about this, because
I think these expectations exist.
We all know of them,
and even as I mentioned the ones, just some examples.
I'm sure you had some pop up in your head.
You're like,
"Oh my God yes, I'm always forced to go to that party
because if I don't,
my mom doesn't wanna have to explain to my aunts
that I don't like them or whatever."
Not that she would have to, but you know what I mean.
So I think that we all deal with this in one way or another.
And what I was realizing the other day is that,
sure these expectations can exist.
It's fine, we all have expectations.
Whether we realize it or not,
we have expectations about how people interact with us,
how we interact with them,
and what we expect out of each and every situation.
We have preconceived notions,
can't help it.
However, expectations can be adjusted
when there is clear, direct communication.
And what I mean by that is let's say
I don't like staying with my family on the holidays,
I'd rather stay in a hotel.
Before, let's say like a month before or even a week before,
before I'm expected to go.
I sit my mom down or my dad or my brother or my sister,
whoever is expecting me to stay with them.
I sit them down, I give them a call.
I do whatever, right?
And I make time to explain to them,
why I'm going to stay in a hotel this year.
And it could be anything from the like,
the short explanation of,
"Hey, it would just be easier for us
if we stayed in a hotel"
or it could be, you could dive into a little bit,
you could say,
"You know, there isn't really a ton of room in your house,
I always feel like I'm in the way."
I know that's not how you want me to feel,
but that's how I feel, and I would just be more comfortable,
if I stayed in a hotel."
Or you could even just say,
"With everything going on,
and people coming over to your house,
and you know mom's in the spare bedroom
'cause she's just got the surgery on her foot,
and my brother coming in." You know you can say,
"It's just easier for me,
and I sleep better if I stay in a hotel."
There can be a lot of different ways
we can communicate about what we're going to do and why.
Now I would encourage you,
and something that helps me is to practice ahead of time,
write down what you wanna say,
what points you wanna get across,
and say it out loud a couple of times.
And maybe even role play with your spouse,
or your partner or your friend,
or someone so that you can get a feel
for what it's like to say that stuff out loud.
Doing all this practice ahead of time
can set us up for success,
because then we're prepared to go in.
We already thought about what they might say back,
and we know what our rebuttals gonna be, right?
Because the thing that I've realized more and more,
maybe it's as I get older,
maybe it's just being a therapist,
and having patients year after year, bringing these up.
Or even you telling me that this is something
that bothers you year after year is that,
so often when we're going into the holidays we think,
I don't have a choice, just gotta a white knuckle it,
just deal with it.
Deal with that jerk of a cousin, or that rude uncle,
or my mom who's always controlling things,
or whatever it might be.
I gotta deal with it,, I don't have a choice.
And I'm here to tell you that you do have a choice.
It's just making the choice that's right for you
usually goes against what I like to call "The family dance."
It's like your whole family is doing this one dance,
maybe it's the polka.
I don't know how to demonstrate the polka.
I don't really know how to polka, but let's say that I do,
and my family does the polka and then I move away.
And I start doing the polka out in the world,
and I'm like, I don't really like this dance,
it doesn't really work for me.
No, instead I like to do,
I don't know, the two-step,
I'm in Texas, I like the two-step, right?
So I learn a whole new dance.
I prefer that dance, It's a healthier dance for me, right?
Then I try to bring that dance back,
and my family is like, "absolutely not,"
and I find myself going right back into the polka.
Are you guys following what I'm saying?
It's like, we hear that music, we're so used to it.
We go right back into it.
And that's why we end up feeling like
we don't have a choice.
We revert back into who we used to be.
I'll be the first to admit that when I go home.
Back in the day, when I would go home from college,
I would feel like I was so much older.
Even when I was in graduate school, I was like,
I'm 24, I'm an adult.
And I would go home and I would revert back
into like 16 year old Katie.
I be like an annoying teenager.
I'd be like, "I can't," my mom would say like,
"can you be home by like 11?
I don't wanna stay up listening for you."
And I'm like, I don't have curfews, I'm an adult.
I would like push back, and like stomp, and be frustrated,
and act like a teenager.
Like "I don't, that's too early."
It was crazy.
And I would like leave the house after fighting with her
about this curfew,
and I'd be like, "what the fuck is wrong with me?
What am I doing? What am I doing?" Right.
And so, know that no one's immune from it,
but we can be aware.
And then instead have thoughtful conversations about it
versus reverting right back into it.
And this opens us up to actually having choice..
So that, instead of feeling like,
I just don't have a choice, I gotta go here.
I gotta go to this party where I don't like anybody.
I gotta have lunch with that aunt who's such a Dick wad.
I gotta stay with my parents
when I don't even have my own room,
I have to sleep in the living room on a blow up,
It's not comfortable.
You know, there can be all these things that we're doing.
I'm here to tell you, we don't have to do those.
We can have conversations ahead of time,
about what's best for us.
and why we're going to stay with our sister,
or at the hotel, or whatever.
And remind them again, I love you so much.
But I just have to do this for myself,
so that I can get a good night's sleep,
so I can continue having a good time here, right?
I talk about this all the time on our live streams,
"the hug and roll."
If you need to know how to have a difficult conversation,
"the hug and roll" is your friend, are you ready?
How do we do a "hug and roll," first step hug,
hug meaning, tell them something you love about them.
So let's say I'm having this conversation with my mom,
and I'm trying to tell her that I'm gonna stay at a hotel.
So I'm like, mom,
I want you to know how much I appreciate you
always hosting year after year,
and bringing me in from out of state,
and all the wonderful things
that you've done over the years.
I really appreciate you, I love you so much.
She'll be like, "oh yeah, of course, of course."
Then we roll, okay.
And the roll is,
But, this year I'm gonna stay at a hotel,
because I just feel like I don't have space at your house,
and I'm sleeping on the blow up, you know, and I'm 38,
my back hurts.
Sean and I need a little bit more space.
I love you and I will be your house
first thing in the morning,
but we're just going to stay at a hotel this year.
I hope you understand, okay."
Now I know there can be pushback,
but a hug and roll is very effective,
because you've complimented,
and you've loved. Love, love, love, loved,
and then we roll away.
And I find that to really help
when we have these difficult conversations,
because otherwise we get caught in this like,
"I don't have a choice, I just have to do it.
Just gotta white knuckle and put up with it and that's it."
And I'm here to tell you, you do have a choice.
We don't have to just keep putting up with it.
We can do what's best for us,
we can stay for a limited amount of time maybe.
We can not go to that one party.
There are things that we can do to make it work for us
so that we can actually enjoy our holidays and not feel like
we're just barely hanging on through it.
But I don't know, am I off base? What do you guys think?
Do you feel like you don't have choices
when it comes to your families?
I know there can be repercussions,
and families can be, like throw on the guilt
and stuff like that.
We can talk about that maybe,
maybe that's a whole another video it's,
"How to like manage the guilt from your family."
But I hope that helps, because yeah.
Do you feel like you have choices?
You think that was helpful? What things have worked for you?
What "hug and rolls" have you done?
Or how did you manage these difficult conversations?
Let us know all that in the comments down below.
Thanks for watching. I'll see you next time.
Bye.
(soft music)
Oh my God, I just saw her whole head up above it.
Did you hear her on the door?
Oh.