- And I don't care about your past neither.
A lot of times women think guys care. I don't.
I was on a date once
girl told me that before me she used to date
former New York Giants, all star wide receiver,
(audience laughing)
Odel Beckham, Jr.
(audience laughing)
And then she was like
"but I hope that doesn't change anything for you."
(audience laughing)
And I was like, "I'm cool, but if you used to date
a professional athlete before dating me
a lot of shit is gonna change for you."
(audience laughing)
Things are gonna be different now.
(audience laughing)
(fast paced music)
And I think I hate when people try put
especially older parents, they try to put pressure
on you to settle down.
I think they forget that dating today is way harder
than it was back in the day.
I mean, meeting is easier today but back in the day
you ever stop to think when your parents were dating?
You could do whatever you want.
Nobody would know.
(audience laughing)
There's no cell phones with HD cameras
to capture everything.
You could be married, have another family right across town.
Nobody asked no questions.
(audience laughing)
It was no proof.
Even if you got caught red-handed
somebody happened to have a big ass camera on 'em
and they took a picture of you
you'd have two weeks before that picture even got developed.
(audience laughing)
That's why when older men try to talk
to me about dating
I get upset.
Cause I'm like, sir, you don't gotta face the
challenges that young men gotta face in modern dating.
Like you never had to video chat with your girlfriend
at a funeral
because she didn't believe that you were at a funeral.
(audience laughing)
What type of woman doesn't believe you when you tell her
that somebody died and you gotta go to their funeral?
(audience laughing)
And the crazy part is you really weren't going to a funeral.
(audience laughing)
So now you gotta pull up to a random funeral home
(audience laughing)
on your way to the club so you could take a picture
by the corpse and save your relationship.
(audience laughing)
Y'all wasn't dealing with that back then.
(audience laughing)
And the issue is millennials
we put a lot of pressure on the people we date.
That's why nobody's settling down.
We expect a lot from our partners.
I read an article the other day that said
that the number one turnoff for women right now
is men with bad grammar.
(audience laughing)
Which goes to show you how much more sophisticated
women are than men.
(audience laughing)
The fact that you wouldn't sleep with a guy
cuz he has bad grammar.
(audience laughing)
That'll be like a guy
not having sex with a girl because she has
(audience laughing)
um
(audience laughing)
I can't even think of a real reason
not to sleep with somebody.
(audience laughing)
Guys don't care about grammar.
I asked one of my boys.
I was like, "Yo, you care about a woman's grammar?"
He was like, "What do you mean? Like her period?"
I was like, "Nevermind."
(audience laughing)
Both my parents are actually immigrants
from the Dominican Republic.
That's a Latin country in the Caribbean so technically
I'm Hispanic
but nobody ever believes me.
(audience laughing)
Especially white people
when I tell 'em I'm Hispanic they're like
Ian, but you don't look Hispanic?
Like, are you sure
you're not a little bit African American?
(audience laughing)
And I hate that question.
Am I sure?
First of all, I think that's offensive.
And second of all, of course I'm not sure.
(audience laughing)
I know what I look like. I'm just as confused as you are.
(audience laughing)
If you looking for it though, the politically correct term
for me right now is actually African Latino.
And if you've never heard of that basically
we're like the next big thing.
(audience laughing)
Yes. They compare us to Bitcoin in 2011.
(audience laughing)
It's like invest now
'cause the stock is going up, you know?
People didn't even know we were real.
We just came outta nowhere. We were like unicorns.
We just popped up one day outta nowhere, you know?
Talented. Triple threat.
We could do it all.
Dance salsa, speak Spanish and say the N word.
So the opportunities are endless.
(audience laughing)
I'm a proud Hispanic man though.
Lot of negative stereotypes about Hispanic men right now.
I had a girl tell me she don't date Hispanic men
because they cheat and they can't commit to a relationship
but that's the stereotype.
You can't always listen to what other people say.
Like my grandparents
they just celebrated 59 years of being together.
(audience cheering)
Yeah.
(audience clapping)
And things are going great!
So they're thinking about getting married.
(audience laughing)
My grandmother might be the one.
(audience laughing)
Some people try to pretend like last year didn't even exist.
They tried just erase it from their memory.
I don't like people like that.
You gotta hold onto your accomplishment.
Whatever you was able to accomplish last year, hold onto it.
It matters. You know?
Like I found out about wine during the pandemic.
(audience laughing)
Yeah. I didn't know about wine.
(audience laughing)
They don't tell black men about wine.
(audience laughing)
No one tells us.
White women, you know about wine.
(audience laughing)
Yeah. They know.
I found out from my doctor, like did you guys know this?
Did you guys know that drinking one glass of wine
with dinner every night could actually help you feel
like you're better than everybody else.
(audience laughing)
I was like, "Why isn't Fauci talking about this?
(audience laughing)
America needs to know.
Red wine it pairs beautifully with a pandemic.
(audience laughing)
I turned 30 during the whole thing.
I don't know if it was turning 30
or if it was the pandemic
but I turned into a middle-aged white woman
during the lockdown.
(audience laughing)
Straight up. My boys called me during the lockdown
like, "Yo, you watching the game tonight?"
I'm like, "The game? Nigga, Megan Markle is on Oprah."
(audience laughing)
Snitching on the whole family.
You still worried about LeBron? Nigga, you need to grow up.
(audience laughing)
That's a game.
That's what I do now.
I drink red wine and mind other people's business.
(audience laughing)
In private, like an adult.
(audience clapping)
That's my favorite drink, red wine. I love red wine.
Cause you only need one glass to get
to where you need to be.
(audience laughing)
I see people all party and taking shots.
I'm like just order a glass of wine.
(audience laughing)
I don't know how rappers aren't rapping about red wine.
(audience laughing)
I don't, cause rappers
they sell alcohol but it's always the hard stuff.
It's always like vodka or tequila.
But if you listen to their lyrics
rappers get very emotional.
I'm like this don't sound like tequila.
(audience laughing)
Every rap song is always the same thing.
It's always, I'm better than you.
I'm tougher than you.
I got more money than you.
I'm like, nigga you been drinking Malbec?
(audience laughing)
Cause that is exactly how I feel
(audience laughing)
when I'm scrolling through Instagram in my boxers
(audience laughing)
On a Friday night, so.
(audience cheering)
I know what you mean, Gucci Mane, I get it.
(audience laughing)
I was raised too old fashioned. That's my problem.
Like my parents been together a long time.
My grandparents together, long time.
So I think I'm too much of a gentleman.
Like I don't apply to modern dating 'cause I'm too nice.
You can't be too nice in modern dating.
Like I was on a date recently I took this girl out.
First date, I took her out and the bill came
and the bill was $265.
And I paid it. I paid it because I'm a gentleman.
And I'm not the kind of guy that thinks if I take you out
and spend $265 on you, then you owe me sex.
But
(audience laughing)
mainly that's cause I don't think sex is worth $265.
(audience laughing)
I'm the kind of guy, if I take you out and spend $265 on you
now, I think you owe me money.
(audience laughing)
Like even if she wanted to
I wouldn't have sex with her that night
'cause I don't want her to confuse that for payment.
(audience laughing)
I don't want her walking around thinking we're even.
It's like, miss you owe me $145.
(audience laughing)
Do you have Venmo or who do you bank with?
(audience laughing)
I got involved in the stock market last year.
That was a big deal for me. I'm a stockholder.
(audience cheering)
Thank you. Thank you.
I don't know if you guys are doing as well as I'm doing
but if you save up like $37
you could buy a stock in a company.
(audience laughing)
I bought three cuz I had a really good fourth quarter
last year.
(audience laughing)
But you don't gotta start at the top.
You could just work your way up
(audience laughing)
to where I'm at.
(audience laughing)
And I see some young people in here.
I don't know how much y'all know about finance
but I'll teach you guys this.
When you buy stock in a company, you actually become
part owner of that company, so
(audience laughing)
I'm not trying to sound
like I'm better than anybody else here
(audience laughing)
but I'm not just a comedian.
(audience laughing)
I'm also part owner of Delta airlines.
(audience clapping and cheering)
Oh thank you.
Look, that's fine. I appreciate it.
Listen, y'all don't gotta clap. It's cool.
I'm not one of those arrogant CEOs.
I don't need that type of acknowledgement
(audience laughing)
from anybody.
To be honest, I don't even like to talk about it.
I swear to God
You wouldn't even know
unless you check my resume, LinkedIn, or Tinder.
That's the only place I talk about it.
(audience laughing)
I'll tell you guys the truth I don't even think Delta
told the employees yet.
(audience laughing)
I don't think the employees know who I am.
(audience laughing)
I'm serious. I was flying back home from Chicago
(audience laughing)
and I got my boarding pass and I was sitting in zone three
and I was like, Zone three?
(audience laughing)
This is weird.
(audience laughing)
But I was like, you know what?
I'm not gonna make a big deal about it.
(audience laughing)
I guess it's just gonna be like an undercover boss
type of situation.
(audience laughing)
I'ma get to see how my employees work, you know?
(audience laughing)
I didn't make a big deal.
I didn't try to fire anyone or anything like that.
But I did try to board the flight early.
(audience laughing)
When I got to the gate, the gatee just stopped me.
Could you believe she stopped me?
She didn't know.
She didn't know who I was.
She was like, "Sir, we did not call your zone yet."
(audience laughing)
And I was like, "Ha ha ha ha."
(audience laughing)
And I was like, Miss, you must not read your emails
(audience laughing)
but I own $111 worth of this company.
(audience laughing)
So I'll get on whatever the hell I want.
(audience laughing)
Bridget.
I'm always in a good mood. That's kind of my thing.
Like I'm always happy. I'm always very positive.
People think it's weird. A lot of people ask me
like, Yeah, you're never angry. Are you in therapy?
Like how come you're never angry?
I don't do therapy. This is how I deal with my aggression.
You guys can try it if you like.
Before I leave my house, I like to listen to at least
45 minutes of gangster rap music.
(audience laughing)
That's black people therapy.
That's how we work on our issues.
Something about gunshots and police sirens.
It's like a white noise machine for us.
(audience laughing)
Makes us feel centered. You know?
(audience laughing)
And I like old school rap. That's my favorite.
I like old school, like Tupac. He's my favorite rapper.
I love Tupac.
He's been dead over 20 years, but his music still
makes you relate to things you've never been through.
Stuff you never experienced.
You'll hear Tupac talk about it.
You're like, yeah
(audience laughing)
I know what you mean, Tupac.
(audience laughing)
I get it. My favorite Tupac song is "Dear Mama."
Dear Mama. That's the song he writes to his mom.
In it, he got a line where he says to his mom.
He says, "Even as a crack fiend, mama,
you always were a black queen, mama."
And I don't think my mom's ever tried crack.
(audience laughing)
But that did not stop me from writing those lyrics
on her mother's day card.
(audience laughing)
Tupac had me inspired.
I was like, wait till you read this Ma.
This is from the heart.
(audience laughing)
I mean this.
Now I don't think I'll ever understand
what it is that women want.
I used to think I was a good catch.
I used to walk around thinking like
Alright, who wouldn't want date me?
You know?
But I was on a date once girl asked me to tell a little bit
about myself and I had some accomplishment.
I got a little arrogant when I was telling her
I was like, yeah, I went to college.
I got my degree in economics.
After college, I had a nice paying day job.
And at nighttime I was running around doing comedy
following my dreams.
I used to think that I was the kind of things
that women were into.
Bro after I finished telling her that her reply to me was
she was like, You know what, Ian?
If you were over six feet
I would definitely hook up with you.
(audience laughing)
Don't feel bad.
I don't care about what she said.
It's just the way she said it.
Like she was acting like I wasn't being ambitious enough.
Like if I work hard, one day I could be over six feet
(audience laughing)
but I'm just not applying myself.
(audience laughing)
I got upset.
I was like, what are you starting power forwards?
Why you need to date?
(audience laughing)
Why you need to date these giant men?
(audience laughing)
This what she says.
She was like, Ian, listen, women, we like to date tall men
'cause when we're with them
they make us feel more safe and protected.
And I was like, all right
I guess I kind of understand that.
But then I thought about it. I was like, wait a minute.
How much shit are you getting into
that you need to walk around with this extra security
all the damn time?
(audience laughing)
And like, I'm not a tall dude, but I'll still protect you.
What do women think?
I'll protect you.
Like we're gonna be out on a date having a good time.
Some dude's gonna run up to you and grab your ass.
You're gonna turn to me
and I'm gonna be like, Bitch I'm only 5'7"
(audience laughing)
You knew what you signed up for. Protect yourself.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat music)