When I heard the word, you know personality disorder I was mortified. It’s like you
know what’s wrong with me? Why am I you know?
It sounds awful doesn’t it?
Yes, why have I got like a bad personality? That’s what I thought. What have I got a
bad personality? Where did I go wrong? The one thing that goes with DBT is people think
that you’re never going to be able to live a normal, if you call it that, life.
Yes.
And it’s just you get this diagnosis and it’s downhill.
And it’s the end.
Yes it’s the end of everything and I mean as you know it’s not is it.
I think I first started [inaudible] like problems when I was 14 I had some eating issues.
And I suppose at the time now I can reflect. I was confused because I was gay but I didn’t
know what it was and I’d also had a lot of trauma early in life. Again I didn’t
connect the two. I started with that, eating issues and then self-harming. But it all came
to sort of a head when I was 18 and I took my first overdose. When they
taught me that when you have BPD you feel emotions a lot more than other people like
you feel like you’re on a high…
You’re more sensitive to what people say and how you perceive things.
Last year I was in a therapeutic community and I received DBT it was like a yearlong
programme and I…
And you completed it then?
Yes I completed it and it’s changed everything. Before I went in there I was bouncing in and
out of hospitals, I was overdosing every other day, I was self-harming loads, not eating
properly and every behaviour you could use I was using it. And then I went there and
DBT was really helpful, I won’t say every single bit of it was helpful for me but I
think certain bits were.
You see like I went into it then I was sectioned in hospital and I had to drop out.
So I’ve restarted it. But like now I don’t know, I think all the skills…
I don’t know how I think you can apply it to everywhere.
Yes you can. I think a lot of it is invaluable and it’s for teaching emotional regulation.
Yes, everyone can use it can’t they?
Do you experience voices?
Yes. Hallucinations yes. That’s what I’m finding the skills most useful for, mindfulness.
I think that’s brilliant. I do that all the time.
Yes well even my sister uses mindfulness and she’s not got any mental problems
Yes I think it’s like you can anything mindfulness for. I think you
can use it for everything. It calms a situation doesn’t it?
It does. I get so caught up in thinking about things that I’ve got to do. You know
you get absolutely worked up thinking about the future and I’m not leaving there.
That’s it isn’t it? You get the anxiety of the future. How you going to deal with
it? And then you live in the past as well. I don’t know about you, but you know like
with emotions one thing that I stay really mindful of is them being… I don’t know
whether you were taught it, like a wave, it’s a wave of emotion and you have to ride the wave.
Yes ride the wave. That’s a really DBT term.
Yes ride the wave until it peaks. Yes I think I got to keep playing that in my head.
Yes we got that said to us a lot in the therapeutic community group.
I think it really helps when you’re in a stressful situation or if you’ve got an
emotion that you know, how to deal with.
For the emotions I’m thinking I’ve felt this before and I’m still here.
Yes. Challenge them.
Yes.
Challenge emotion myths. Having a bath and using all your senses, you know like lavender
oil, music… Music’s massive for me.
Oh yeah I use that.
But I like dissolve into music. I don’t know. Exercise as well now. I’m really into
the exercise.
Yes I use exercise a lot.
That sort of channels a lot of emotion.
I have to say bath’s my idea of a nightmare.
Is it? And it was always on people’s lists. It is.
But I just can’t stand it here.
That’s the first thing I think people get told have a bath. And everyone…
Everyone’s different now aren’t they?
Yes everyone has a different… I mean you just have to apply it to your life don’t you.
I think the same with you with music. Exercise which is a surprise for me because I wouldn’t
normally do it. Food I can use, but sometimes I might abuse that. So that’s still a behaviour
that kind of hangs around for me, problems with eating. And stroking my dog and I’ve
got a kitten, so I’m absolutely covered in scratches, but it’s my kitten not me.
Yes I’ve got a Papillon and she’s been an absolute brilliant distraction. She takes
up so much energy.
SP They do keep you occupied don’t they?
Yes they do but in a good way as well because you have to look after them and you’ve got
to think about them as well as yourself so you can’t hibernate for the day and you
know let the dog sort itself out.
Do you take medication?
Yes I do take medication. I’ve been like really bad with it before though, not compliant
with medication.
I’ve had periods like that, but I recognised I was just doing it to harm myself. Like I knew that…
I was like that, but I also felt ashamed. I did feel like really ashamed of taking medication,
being on mental health medication.
Yes.
But I think as I got better in my recovery I can see that. It’s not about being ashamed
because obviously everyone has experiences with mental health.
If you got diabetes you take medicine life.
Exactly, that’s what I’ve had to understand is that it’s just the same as a physical illness.
Yes.
It’s just, we need help as well. But I know that not everybody needs medication.
I feel conscious that I’m on it and think I shouldn’t be on this.
Yes well I do sometimes.
But if I’m stable and managing to go to college and go to find entry jobs then…
Yes. You have to look past it don’t you?
Yes.
Not judge it.
Yes. Not judge yourself there. That’s the hardest thing.
That’s the biggest thing I’ve learned in DBT, not judging yourself especially about
medication. My family have been absolutely amazing. I mean like diagnosis took a while,
so we didn’t even understand what was going on and stuff like that. But then I think if
your family can work through it as well and be open.
I don’t know how I would have done it if I didn’t have the support. But I think
it’s possible especially with DBT skills. The further I’ve gone along it’s like
you know I am actually proud. I am proud because I know how strong it takes to be somebody
with BPD. The skills that we have to use every day and it’s not just one day a week, it’s
every single day for me.
Yes I’ve had to work when I’m asleep.
Exactly we’re not just dealing with like one problem. We’re dealing with trauma that’s
happened in life and it may not be just one trauma it could be a lot of trauma. And then
you’ve got like you say the symptoms of you know post-traumatic stress, sleep problems, depression.
Definitely. Hallucinations and…
Yes I think the stigma it goes along with it. It’s really outdated.
I took the same with you, I argued with it and I don’t know if I’ve got to pride
yet but I’m certainly not ashamed of it anymore.
No I’m definitely not ashamed.