WELCOME ONE AND ALL, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, CHILDREN OF ALL AGES,
TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
THE BIG STORY CONTINUES TO BE DONALD TRUMP'S ALLERGIC REACTION
TO THE CONSTITUTION, AND TONIGHT, I'LL STAB YOU WITH THE
EPIPEN OF FUN IN THE LATEST INSTALLMENT OF "DON AND THE
GIANT IMPEACH."
( CHEERING ) >> I HAVE THE RIGHT TO DO
WHATEVER I WANT AS PRESIDENT.
>> STEPHEN: TODAY, THE HOUSE JUDICIARY COMMITTEE DEBATED
WHETHER TO SEND TWO ARTICLES OF IMPEACHMENT TO THE HOUSE FLOOR.
BUT FIRST, THEY SPENT HOURS PROPOSING HIGHLY SPECIFIC AND
ASININE AMENDMENTS.
LIKE ONE FROM FLORIDA CONGRESSMAN AND HUMAN-HANGOVER
HYBRID, MATT GAETZ.
( BOOING ) GAETZ ARGUED THAT DEMOCRATS ARE
FOCUSED ON THE WRONG BIDEN.
>> THIS AMENDMENT STRIKES THE REFERENCE TO JOE BIDEN AS THE
CENTER OF THE PROPOSED INVESTIGATION AND REPLACES IT
WITH THE TRUE TOPIC OF THE INVESTIGATION, BURISMA AND
HUNTER BIDEN.
IT'S A LITTLE HARD TO BELIEVE THAT BURISMA HIRED HUNTER BIDEN
TO RESOLVE THEIR INTERNATIONAL DISPUTES, WHEN HE COULD NOT
RESOLVE HIS OWN DISPUTE WITH HERTZ RENTAL CAR OVER LEAVING
COCAINE AND A CRACK PIPE IN THE CAR.
>> Stephen: WOW.
WOW.
LISTEN, I'VE GOT TO SAY, I FEEL SORRY FOR WHOEVER GOT
THAT CAR AFTER HUNTER BIDEN.
( LAUGHTER ) YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THEY CHARGE IF
YOU RETURN THE CRACK PIPE UNFILLED?
( LAUGHTER ) PRETTY BALLSY FOR A CONGRESSMAN
TO BRING THAT UP WHEN HE WAS ARRESTED FOR D.U.I. IN 2008.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) NOW, YOU MIGHT NOT HAVE KNOWN
THAT, BUT GEORGIA'S HANK JOHNSON DID.
>> THE POT CALLING THE KETTLE BLACK IS NOT SOMETHING THAT WE
SHOULD DO.
(LAUGHTER) I DON'T KNOW WHAT MEMBERS, IF
ANY, HAVE HAD ANY PROBLEMS WITH SUBSTANCE ABUSE, BEEN BUSTED IN
A D.U.I., I DON'T KNOW, BUT IF I DID, I WOULDN'T RAISE IT AGAINST
ANYONE ON THIS COMMITTEE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: WOW.
WOW!
THAT IS A MASTER CLASS IN PASSIVE AGGRESSIVENESS!
"I WOULDN'T WANT TO SAY ANYTHING NEGATIVE ABOUT A CERTAIN MEMBER
BECAUSE HE'S SUCH A FRAGILE LITTLE BITCHY-BOY.
BUT -- ( LAUGHTER )
I YIELD BACK THE REMAIRPD OF MY TIME."
THE JUDICIARY COMMITTEE TRIED TO WRAP THINGS UP AT A REASONABLE
HOUR BECAUSE THERE WAS A CONGRESSIONAL BALL AT THE WHITE
HOUSE AT 7:00 TONIGHT, AND A NUMBER OF JUDICIARY MEMBERS--
PARTICULARLY REPUBLICANS-- WERE EXPECTED TO ATTEND.
"WE HAVE TO GET TO THE BALL!
WE HAVE TO GET TO THE BALL!
BEFORE THE PRESIDENT TURNS INTO A PUMPKI-- AH, SHOOT.
TOO LATE."
( LAUGHTER ) "TOO LATE, I FORGOT.
WE HAVE TO GET TO THE BALL!" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
♪ SOME DAY! ♪ IF THE ARTICLES OF IMPEACHMENT
DO PASS THE HOUSE, TRUMP WOULD STAND TRIAL IN THE SENATE EARLY
IN THE NEW YEAR.
AND ONE SENATOR SAYS, THE TRIAL WOULD TAKE "APPROXIMATELY TWO
WEEKS IN JANUARY" AND WOULD FEATURE NO WITNESSES.
OH, THAT'S GOING TO BE SOME COMPELLING TELEVISION.
( LAUGHTER ) REMINDS ME OF THE FAMOUS
COURTROOM SCENE FROM "A FEW GOOD MEN."
>> DO YOU HAVE AN ANSWER?
( LAUGHTER ) I'D LIKE AN ANSWER TO THE
QUESTION, JUDGE.
DID YOU ORDER THE CODE RED?
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: WOW, HE'S GOOD.
CRUZ DOESN'T NEED AN ACTING PARTNER.
THAT'S HOW GOOD HE IS.
>> Jon: YEAH >> STEPHEN: NOW, THE PRESIDENT'S
PUTTING A BRAVE FACE ON IN PUBLIC, BUT IMPEACHMENT SEEMS TO
BE GETTING TO TRUMP.
AIDES SAY HE HAS APPEARED DISTRACTED AND UNFOCUSED DURING
CONVERSATIONS.
YES, DISTRACTED AND UNFOCUSED -- UNLIKE THE OLD LACER-FOCUSED
DONALD TRUMP.
(AS TRUMP) "MY FELLOW AMERICANS, I COME TO
YOU TONIGHT TO ANNOUNCE THAT AMERICAN GROUND FORCES ARE--
HEY!
THERE'S A GUY I KNOW!
ANYWAY, CHINA, GIVE ME DIRT ON JOE BIDEN.
BING BING, BONG BONG!
FLUSH YOUR TOILET 15 TIMES."
"GOOD NIGHT."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BUT IT'S NOT JUST IMPEACHMENT
THAT'S GETTING ON HIS NERVES.
IT'S WHY HE'S BEING IMPEACHED.
ONE ADVISER SAID, "FRANKLY, I THINK HE'S A LITTLE SURPRISED
IT'S THE UKRAINE THING THAT'S DONE IT."
YEAH, ME, TOO!
AFTER ALL THE SHADY DEALS HE'S BEEN INVOLVED IN, HE GETS
TRIPPED UP BY A PHONE CALL?
TRUMP GETTING IMPEACHED FOR UKRAINE IS LIKE PAUL NEWMAN
WINNING AN OSCAR FOR "THE COLOR OF MONEY."
HE DEFINITELY DESERVES IT, BUT IT SHOULD'VE HAPPENED WAY
EARLIER.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
TRUMP IS ALSO ANNOYED AT HOW IMPEACHMENT IS PLAYING OUT ON
TV.
HE'S REPORTEDLY FIXATED ON HOW THE NEWS MEDIA IS PORTRAYING
HIM, WITH ONE ADVISER SAYING, "THE COVERAGE BUGS HIM."
(AS TRUMP) "I DON'T GET IT.
WHY DOES THE MEDIA ALWAYS PAINT ME AS THE BAD GUY?
ANYWAY, SOMEBODY PHOTOSHOP ME TO LOOK LIKE THANOS."