I was assigned to handle some church affairs.
It was a physically demanding duty and involved some overtime.
Sometimes I couldn't have meals or attend gatherings on schedule.
I didn't mind at first,
feeling that it was an honor for the skills I had to come in handy during my duty.
I wanted to put everything I had into it.
Then there was a period during which work became busier
and my duty got pretty hectic.
I got kind of worn out after some time and I started to feel a bit resentful.
In a gathering one time,
a sister suddenly told us we needed to go help unload some materials.
She said that the matter was urgent and needed to be dealt with right away.
I didn't really want to do it.
I wondered why it couldn't wait until after the gathering,
and if it was so urgent, someone else could do it!
Why did it have to be us?
Were we nothing more than hired hands?
Although I did go,
with this feeling of internal resistance, I really dragged my feet.
I didn't put my all into it, and just went through the motions.
This was normally how I was.
When something came up at the last minute,
everyone else worked their hardest to deal with it,
but I cut corners wherever I could.
If I could get away with less, I shirked the hard work.
Whenever I had to work a few extra hours I felt resentful and unwilling,
as if I were being terribly wronged.
I got the job done on the surface, but it was done grudgingly.
I'd want to take it easy once I'd finished the task the team leader had assigned me
and didn't want to help out the others who weren't done yet.
I figured that was their business and had nothing to do with me.
The team leader reprimanded me and dealt with me,
seeing me dragging my feet,
but I didn't reflect on myself—
I thought he was just nitpicking and had taken a dislike to me.
I did my duty really passively this way,
content with the bare minimum.
Seeing the other brothers all working so hard,
I even secretly laughed at them.
One time, transporting some lumber,
I was carrying just one bundle at a time,
while another brother was carrying two at a time.
I thought,
"Why are you killing yourself?
There's no need for that even if you have the strength.
You'll wear yourself out. It's idiotic."
In fact, I was younger than him,
so carrying two at a time would have been no problem for me,
but shouldering that much would make me sore.
I was having none of it.
Seeing me dilly-dallying in my work,
the other brothers reproached me and told me to be more attentive in my duty,
but I still didn't care.
I felt like I was getting it done, so there wasn't any harm in it.
Since I refused to correct my attitude toward my duty, I was replaced.
In July 2020,
the team leader told me that I'd always been lazy in my duty
and that my humanity was lacking,
so I wasn't fit for the position.
I had a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach when I heard this.
I thought:
Without a duty, wasn't I done for?
Did I have any hope of salvation?
I got more and more upset and really sunk into a depression.
I prayed to God right away:
"Oh God!
You've allowed this to happen to me today,
but I don't know what I'm supposed to learn.
Please guide me to understand Your intention."
I felt much calmer after my prayer.
With my things packed, about to leave,
I gazed at the other brothers off in the distance,
all rushing to and fro, working enthusiastically
while I had lost my duty.
I felt awful.
I'd been a believer for over 10 years, who could make sacrifices.
I didn't have any kind of conflict or quarrel with the others
and got along with everyone for the most part.
Why had the team leader said my humanity was lacking?
I felt like there wasn't anything wrong with my humanity.
I'd always pulled my weight—
why had the leader said that I'd been slacking off in my duty?
I didn't understand,
but I knew that God is righteous,
so if I'd been doing my duty well, I wouldn't have been replaced.
The problem was certainly of my own making.
After losing my duty,
I didn't have to work so hard and didn't suffer,
but I felt really disappointed, really downcast.
I was coming before God in prayer all the time,
asking Him to enlighten me to know myself.
At one point I read this in God's words:
Reflecting on God's word,
I realized that I thought my humanity was good
because I measured it by some surface good behaviors,
but this wasn't really in line with the truth.
God judges a person's humanity
based on their attitude towards the truth and their duty.
It depends on their actual performance of their duties
and whether they can uphold the interests of God's house.
Someone with truly good humanity is devoted to God in their duty.
They can suffer and pay a price.
At critical moments they can set aside their own interests
and uphold the work of God's house.
I started to reflect, in light of God's words,
on whether I really possessed humanity or not
and what kind of attitude I had in my duty.
Then I read this passage:
God's words totally laid bare my perspective, attitude, and state in my duty.
I was entirely convinced,
and I saw that God truly does see into our hearts and minds.
He observes our every action, our every move, our every passing thought.
I remembered when I was just starting out in my duty,
I was full of resolve to repay God's love.
But over time,
work became greater and demanded more effort and suffering,
and my true nature showed itself.
I started cutting corners and trying to get away with doing less.
When we were working,
everyone else threw themselves into it, not afraid of wearing themselves out,
but I was dragging my feet, cherry-picking the easier tasks.
When I saw someone else working so hard,
I even silently laughed at him for being foolish,
thinking I was the smart one,
that I could get my duty done without wearing myself out
and still enjoy God's blessings afterwards, have my cake and eat it too.
I was so cunning, so despicable!
Where was my humanity!
I had laughed at others for making all that effort, for being such fools,
but of those I had considered "fools," not a single one had been replaced.
I, however, had lost the right for my duty
even though I'd thought I was so smart.
I was the victim of my own "cleverness."
I was the one who deserved to be called a fool
for doing my duty in a way that was disgusting to God.
Doing his duty well should be the calling, the life mission of a created being
and it's something that the Creator entrusts to mankind.
But I'd been acting like I was nothing more than a day laborer,
just muddling through it, not taking any responsibility.
I'd totally lost the conscience and reason that a created being should possess,
I was worth less than a family watchdog.
At least a dog can serve its owner, watching over his yard,
and it will be loyal to him no matter how it's treated.
By contrast, I was being provided for by the church,
enjoying God's blessings and grace
as well as the watering and provision of His word,
but I wasn't completing the tasks He'd assigned to me.
I was less than a beast, unworthy of being called human.
Being removed from my duty was brought on entirely by my rebelliousness.
I didn't have the slightest doubt.
I later read this in God's words:
When I pondered God's words,
I realized that considering the interests of God's house in all things,
seeing God's house as my own house,
and being responsible in my duty to please God and bring Him comfort
was the only way to be a member of His household.
I had been doing my duty in God's house,
but because of my attitude and my approach to my duty,
I wasn't truly a member of His family.
I was like an employee of God's house, just doing labor on the surface,
going through the motions without putting my heart into my duty.
I wasn't personally invested in anything that didn't directly affect me.
I saw I really was totally devoid of humanity and had no integrity whatsoever.
I wasn't even worthy of being called a service-doer—
I was a nonbeliever.
I was totally unworthy of doing any duty.
After that, I often reflected on why I had this kind of attitude in my duty.
What was the root of it?
I read this in God's words:
Comparing God's words, I found the root of the problem.
I had been living by Satan's laws of survival,
like "Every man for himself and the devil take the hindmost"
and "Let things drift if they do not affect one personally."
There's also "Always get the upper hand, never the short end of the stick."
These satanic poisons were deeply rooted within me
and had become my very nature.
I lived by these things and had become increasingly selfish and despicable.
I only thought about my own interests in my duty,
and I did whatever was beneficial and easiest for me.
I wasn't giving any thought to how to care for God's will in my duty.
I thought about how God became flesh and came to the earth,
enduring immense humiliation and suffering
to express the truths to cleanse and save mankind.
God had expended so much for the salvation of mankind.
But I'd been enjoying the rich material provisions
and watering of the words bestowed by God
without any sense of gratitude, resenting the slightest hardship in my duty.
I was totally devoid of any conscience and reason.
Lacking in caliber,
I couldn't do any kind of important duty, and God didn't reject me.
He arranged for me to have a fitting duty,
giving me the chance to experience God's work and to understand the truth.
This was God's salvation.
But I couldn't tell the good from the bad, and was lazy in my duty,
which God detests and is saddened at.
At this thought I was filled with regret
and hated myself for being lazy and slipshod in my duty.
I particularly hated myself
for the depth of my satanic corruption and lack of humanity
and I didn't want to live that way anymore.
I resolved that no matter what duty I was given after that,
I would do my best and work my hardest,
and I'd stop being slipshod, or deceitful toward God.
I came before God in prayer:
"God!
Before, I was taking my duty too lightly,
being selfish, despicable, and devoid of humanity.
I'm willing to repent to You.
I will work hard to do my duty and repay my debt to You,
to comfort Your heart."
After that, I began putting all of my time and effort into sharing the gospel,
wanting only to do that duty well to make up for my past wrongs.
Over a month later,
the leader saw that I had turned around my attitude toward my duty
and notified me to take on my previous duty again.
I was incredibly excited and said quietly,
"I give thanks to God for giving me another chance to do my duty."
Tears welled up in the corners of my eyes when I hung up the phone.
My heart was overcome with gratitude and debt toward God.
Considering my attitude and rebelliousness in my duty in the past,
I was filled with regret and shame.
I knelt before God in prayer,
weeping and thanking Him ceaselessly.
I wanted nothing more than to offer up all of myself for God
and to put everything into my duty to repay God's love.
Regaining my duty after having lost it, I learned to really treasure it,
I no longer thought that
doing physical labor is suffering, that it's degrading,
but that it's an honor.
That's because it's a commission from God.
It's what He requires, and even more so, it's my duty.
I used to be under the mistaken impression that there was no difference
between doing work in God's house and doing work out in the world,
that it was nothing but toil.
This experience taught me that
working out in the world is just to make a living,
and any hardship is for personal gain.
It's meaningless.
And though in God's house it is also performing labor,
it is doing my duty.
No matter the hardship, it has value and gains God's approval.
This adjustment of my duty allowed me to truly see God's salvation,
as well as see clearly my own selfishness,
and that I was lacking in humanity and sense.
Recalling my past duty, I felt especially in debt to God.
From my heart, I didn't want to just be an employee in God's house anymore,
but to seek to be part of the family.
Now, I've just been bursting with energy in my duty.
Sometimes things are a little difficult or tiring,
but I don't complain anymore.
I can throw my whole heart and all my strength into doing a good job.
It is God's judgment and chastisement
that has turned around my absurd perspective toward my duty
and transformed my attitude toward it.
Thanks to God!